Who Pays?

This morning on Twitter, @KristynMaxwell asked whether it was okay to use a voucher to pay for a first date.  There has been quite a bit of discussion about it this morning, and I think I should add my two cents.

In regards to the voucher, I don’t really think there’s an issue with using a voucher to pay.  I know there’s that whole being worried about being seen as cheap, and I really don’t think it’s an issue.  If you are a person who uses vouchers all the time or sometimes or barely ever, that’s fine.  Why does it matter if the other person knows that you use vouchers, for god’s sake?

Anyway, my bigger issue is with what came out of the conversation; the presumption that the guy should pay, at least for the first date.  Come on people, it’s 2011.  I don’t have any problem at all with the guy paying, but I hate the expectation that the guy will pay.  I also think that it makes things really awkward – historically, the guy was expected to pay, but things have changed now.  The guy is still sort of expected to pay, but the girl has to do all that kefuffle with messing around with her wallet and taking out money and pretending to pay, all the while knowing that chances are, if he doesn’t want to look like a douche, the guy will have to pony up.

I think it’s so silly that we have all this bullshit around money.  I mean, we all know we have to use money and spend money and that things cost money, so what’s the big deal?  I do think that the money situation should be discussed before hand, it gets it out of the way and makes it less awkward.

A friend suggested that the first date should be paid for by whoever asked the other person out on the date.  After the first date, they go dutch, or make other arrangements, like they pay for alternative dates.  I think this is a great idea – if it was universally known, it would save a hell of a lot of hassles and awkwardness.

I don’t think guys should be expected to pay – but I don’t think that girls should be expected to pay either.  The status quo, unless you’ve talked about it before hand, should be that you each pay for your own meal/ticket/whatever.  I also think that if someone offers to pay, you should give in gracefully – no one wants to fight over it, and it shouldn’t be a big deal.  Arguing about it makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be, and that’s silly.

I have to say, the leas awkward dates I’ve been on are the ones where I’m either told ahead of time that it’s his (or her) shout, or we’ve discussed who’s paying for what.  It means that you don’t have that awkward moment when you go up to pay – you know exactly what you’re in for.

The other problem is when couples start keeping a mental tally of who’s paid for what, and who ‘owes’ more into the relationship.  I think this can be a source of contention in a relationship as you’ve got one person (or worse, both) constantly trying to even up the score.  It shouldn’t be a competition or an issue, you should just roll with it.  I understand that to some people, money is an issue, and it is something that sort of needs to be kept track of.  My argument is that the individual should keep track of their own spending, but comparing it to the other person’s isn’t a healthy thing to do.

Money isn’t a a good way to judge how well a relationship is going or even a method to begin judging how how much another person values you.  The more you talk about money, the less awkward and scary the whole conversation is.