Open Relationships

I was talking with an old friend who told me that he has an open relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years.  As I said the other day, I'm really interested in how the dynamics of how open relationships work, so it was great to be able to talk through how the dynamics of their relationship work.

They've been together for 5 years, and apparently, after about 6 months, he started sleeping with girls outside of the relationship.  Apparently, they operate on a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, where she knows he sleeps with other girls, but doesn't want to know the details.  It sort of sounds like she's not very happy about the whole situation but just puts up with it because he doesn't want to loose him.  I don't really know enough about their individual situation to know that for sure, but that's how it came across to me.

Apparently, he usually sleeps with girls 2 - 3 times a week, with the same girl anywhere from once to years at a time.  He doesn't have a problem with sleeping with multiple 'extras' at a time; in fact, he told me that he once was sleeping with 6 girls over the same period in addition to his girlfriend.  Apparently everyone is happy with this arrangement.  From my perspective, as long as everyone has consented to it, he is being safe and getting STI checks regularly - condoms can't protect you against everything.

Somehow after talking to him, I don't quite feel that his girlfriend is happy with the idea.  He made it sound like she tolerated it, but wasn't actually happy about it.  While I'm all for the idea of full consent, I also think it's important that people take responsibility for their own actions or inaction.  If you're not happy with the way something is going or you're not happy with a relationship, let your feet do the talking, if real talking doesn't help.

I'm the last person to judge situations like this, and of course, I've only heard part of the story.  I think it's quite possible that they are both happy with their relationship.  He is obviously into her enough to want to be with her, and she clearly has a lot of trust in him to feel comfortable with him sleeping with other women.

I don't think I could be in an open relationship with a don't ask, dont tell policy.  I have a curiosity that borders on morbid; I have to know all the gory details.  It's probably not the best thing for my mental health, but I have a hunger for knowledge, so it's important to me that I hear all the tiny details.  I'm not a terribly jealous person, but I don't think I could stand not knowing.  Maybe I'd be happy not knowing who the girls were, although I think that could lead to staring at everyone walking down the street and wondering if they were the one.

I would absolutely have to have a rule that no sex with other people could happen in my house.  I'm quite private about my space, and I would feel like it was an intrusion into my private space, my little sanctuary.  To be totally honest, I'd rather not even have sex in my space, it would be good to have a sleeping bed and a sex bed.  I think it's good to keep those two things separate, although I'm not sure if or how that would work in reality.

So what about you? Could you handle an open relationship? What would your rules be?

Love

I was reading 'The Ethical Slut', and one bit jumped out at me.  It said 'Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that our capacities for romantic love, intimacy, and connection is finite, that there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking away some from another.'  According to the authors, this leads to people becoming 'very possessive about people, things, and ideas that matter to them. They see the whole world in a limited light, so that anything they get comes from a small pool of not-enough and thus must be taken from someone else...'


I know in my household growing up, this mindset was something my parents wanted me to avoid having.  Both of my parents worked, and they were very devoted parents to myself and my brother.  Family was, and is, extremely important to me.  Holidays, weekends and evenings were spent with people, and I was taught that anything you have, including love, is useless if you fail to share it.

Both of my parents have always been involved in a lot of volunteer work where the focus is on imparting their skills on others.  As a result of this, I have become involved in similar things to what my parents do, and volunteer for things in my own right.  I tend to spend about 15 hours a week volunteering my time; I say this not to boast, but instead to illustrate how important this is to me.  I don't begrudge any time I spend volunteering (well, I try very hard not to, but there are sometimes people who test my patience!).  I have always been taught that volunteering is a way to make myself better, and to give back - the love that I share with people isn't something that's going to run out because I do it too much.

My first boyfriend's parents did not have a good relationship.  They used to fight all the time, and one day while I was sitting with the mother, she burst into tears and said 'I only have so much love to go around, and I love my kids to death, my business is my baby, I love my husband, and that means I don't have enough love left for me.  If I don't love me, who will?'  This has stuck in my mind for nearly 10 years.  At the time, I just felt uncomfortable and sad, and I remember that being the moment where I first started seriously thinking that kids might not be such a good idea for me.  Sure, it took a long time after that to really feel confident in the fact that if I don't have kids, I'm less of a woman, but it was at that moment that the idea seemed realistic.

I always understood, maybe inherently or from the way I was brought up - maybe both - that until you love yourself, you can't love someone else.  Love, in my mind, is sort of like a plant.  If you nurture it and feed it and water it and look after it, it will grow and multiply for you.  If you neglect it, it will get smaller and smaller, and eventually, you'll end up like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons.

I don't think there's ever a question of not having enough love.  You can always love more. There is no 100% of love, with 10% allocated here, and 20% here.  Love it something you can aways give more of, and you can always find more to give.  Love isn't something you should ration.

In saying that, love isn't something you can give if you're not prepared to get hurt.  Sometimes, from the greatest risks, come the greatest rewards.  Yes, you do risk rejection and heartache and pain, but it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

T S Eliot said 'Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.'  Live like this. Live with no regrets.  Love totally and without reservation, always.

Charlie's Big Op, and a letter

Most of you will have seen my tweets about my kitten Charlie and the big operation she needs to have to fix her leg.  Most of you will also have seen her blog I have set up to help raise some money towards her operation.

I posted the link on Facebook, and Marcus' sister commented saying "you could sell the big screen tv, sound system, wii, i-pad or even the aquarium."   Nothing more than that.


I took it as a super bitchy comment.  It really upset me, and made me cry.  She has no idea what my financial situation looks like, so I wrote her an email to explain.  I didn't send it to her because Marcus went off his nut at her and made her apologise for the comment, but I thought I'd post it here, because I had already taken the time to write it.

I wanted to email you and explain our situation. I feel like the comment you made on facebook this morning was because you really have no idea about our financial situation.  It's not usually something I discuss, not because I'm uncomfortable about it, but because other people are.  I'm not telling you this because I think you deserve to know, or because I want you to feel sorry for us.  I'm telling you this so you know I'm doing the absolute best thing I can for my cat, which is all that matters.

When Marcus lost his job in last December, we went from 2 almost full time incomes (I was working about 35 hours a week also) to 1 part time income as my hours were reduced after Christmas.  For about 3 months, Marcus couldn't find a job at all, so we lived on about $250 a week.  Our rent alone was $350.  We even went to WINZ for help, but because we were students, there was nothing they could do to help.  In order to survive, we had to borrow money.  We sold pretty much all of the tangible things we owned, everything we could that would have a good enough return on investment.  If we were to sell the TV, we would lose about $4500 on it, which makes it not worth selling at all.

When Marcus did get a job, he was working less hours and was on MUCH less pay.  We were earning enough to cover rent and power, and that's about all.  The settlement we got from XX was enough to buy Marcus his iPad, which he deserved after going through hell for 6 months, and pay back some of our debt.

When he finally got a full time job at xx, things started getting better and we were in a position where we could afford to live without borrowing money.  We got Charlie as a gift to each other for dealing with all the crap we had been through.  We knew she was going to cost us money, and we could afford that (although we never dreamed it would be over $2500, which is how much it will have costed for her vet bills and operation and recovery).  We also knew that she was abandoned and deserved a good home, and the most love anyone can give her.

Our budget is finely tuned so we can afford to pay rent, power, insurance, petrol and food for us and the cat, as well as paying back the debt we got when Marcus lost his job.  We have two student loans to pay, and also had to recently pay for Marcus' graduation.  You don't know what this is like, your parents paid for your entire education, and you never had to work through uni or pay rent until you got a full time job.

We don't go out, and the only things we have purchased for ourselves since Marcus lost his job are our speaker system (we paid $100 for a $1500 system), a skimmer for my fish tank because my old one broke, and Charlie.  I bought our christmas presents because I sold some things and worked extra hours.

To make everything worse, I've been underpaid by Bunnings and am now owed over $1000 in wages.  We were also screwed over by underwater hockey new zealand, which cost us about $500.  

I'm doing everything I can to ensure that Charlie gets her operation quick enough so she doesn't have ongoing issues.  We followed what our vet told us to do, and the surgeon even said that in a young cat like Charlie with a trauma, he would have recommended cage rest also.

I'm very lucky that I have some great friends who have been following Charlie's life, injury and recovery who want to do something to help her.  They suggested making a blog for her where people can follow her progress and recovery, and make donations so that she can get her surgery more quickly.  Without help, it will realistically be 3-4 months before we will be able to afford it.  The people who have donated have known Charlie since she was a kitten, and have been following her injury.  I'm not too proud to say no to people who offer to help off their own back, especially when the other option is putting her down.

What upset me the most about your comment is that over 500 people have viewed her site, and the only negative comment I got was from you.  I understand that you don't know our financial situation and because it's something we obviously can't discuss with either of our parents you couldn't have known.  Can you imagine what your mum would say if she knew we had to borrow money to eat?  Still, I would expect that as an animal lover, you would support doing anything that is going to help Charlie.  

I love it when you call me names

On Sunday at work, a customer called me 'hot'.  It sort of got me thinking - does being told I'm hot make me feel good?  When writing this blog, I found a post on Fetlife along a similar vein - basically asking if being called hot was something that you found flattering.

I think that being called 'hot' or 'sexy' refers only to physical characteristics, not to a person's personality, or 'insides'.  It's not something that offends me if I'm called it, but if someone is always calling me hot and nothing else, then I know they're not legitimately interested in getting to know me.

Is it a word men use because they don't know what else to sad and it's just become a space filler, or do they really mean it?  It there an equilvent that girls use when referring to boys?  Did I always not like it, or is it just because I'm getting older and possibly even more mature, and want someone to like me for me, rather than shallow reason?

Maybe I'm the only one that finds it condescending.  Sure, in the right context, it's fine.  Good, even.  Of course I like to be told I'm attractive, who doesn't?  I do feel like it's forcing me to conform to societal norms - you know, 'girls should be pretty and quiet and well-mannered, and make food for the men-folk'.  I'm not even really against objectification - that's fine, if that's what you want to do and you're not hurting anyone, go for it.

I think the real reason I don't like it is because it's so unoriginal.  It takes no thought to tell someone they're hot or sexy.  You don't have to actually look at me and comment on my eyes or my hair or whatever; it's a generic comment, much like sending a standard reply on a dating website.  It's cheap.  And it reeks of cheap.

Does this bother anyone else?  What would you rather be called?  Do you like being called 'hot'?  What's the male equilivent?

The Ethical Slut

I've been wanting to read a book called "The Ethical Slut" for a while now.  Finally, on Thursday, I took myself off to the Wellington Public Library to borrow it.  The Ethical Slut is described as 'a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures'.

I've been interested in the idea of open relationships for a while, and I've never really brought into the whole idea of monogamy despite being involved primarily in monogamous relationships.  I don't believe in love at first sight and I don't believe in soul mates.  I think relationships are something that require commitment and hard work; if you're willing to put that hard work into more than one relationship, what's the issue?

Of course, in the real world, it's not that simple.  People are jealous and vindictive and spiteful, so often, things don't go to plan.  Did I mention that people are jealous?  This jealously isn't necessarily a bad thing, like people tend to think of.  Jealousy can stem from other reasons, like love, instead of simply being a 'I don't want to share my toys' sort of thing.

I can see that open relationships probably wouldn't work for all people, but how would you know if you don't try?  Clearly, it's not something readily accepted by society in general.  In fact, most people I've spoken with it openly dislike the idea.  It seems, in my experience, that girls are much more open to the idea than boys.  I wonder if it's because girls are better at multi-tasking, or if it's just because boys don't like to share?

I'm very interested in reading this book, and I'll be keen to see if or how my attitude changes after reading it.

So I was talking to this guy...

The other night I had a conversation with a guy from Canada who has been in the BDSM scene for about 20 years.  He said some things that really made me think in a different way about submission and sex and relationships in general.

The first thing he said was: submission is voluntary, it rests on the choice to submit.
I really loved this statement.  He's right, submission is something you choose to do.  It might be something that you feel more or less inclined to do, but it's not like just because you feel inclined to submit that you go around submitting to everyone you see who feels like dominating you today.  In fact, I think it's hugely important be very picky about who you choose to submit to - even more so than the pickiness you should have when choosing who to have sex with.

I'm a pretty picky person at the best of times, but I'm even more picky about choosing partners that I will be involved with BDSM with than I am with normal sexual partners.  I think a lot of it, for me, anyway, is that I recognise the risks that are involved.  Potentially, this person could hit too hard or choke me too long - and cause permanent harm or death.  Trust is a huge thing for me, even in the early stages.

The next thing was: submission must lead the sub to do things they would otherwise not do.
This was something that really made me think.  It's true though; I'm not actually submitting if I'm doing something that I would be happy to do anyway.  But then I wonder - if I'm happy to do everything up to my hard limits, aren't I actually not submitting until I allow those hard limits to be broken?  Or is it enough that I'm doing something I wouldn't usually, even though it's not something I've say, never done before or something I wouldn't want to do?

The more I think about this idea, the less I tend to agree with it.  I can submit to someone else's will without doing something I wouldn't do at all otherwise.  The important thing is that I'm doing it because they want me to rather than because it's something I want to do right now.  It doesn't necessitate me doing something I absolutely don't want to do; it's more about doing things because it's what I've been ordered to do, rather than because it's what I want to do.

The next thing: the sub and dom are intimately linked roles, like a coin; two sides, but one coin.
I agreed with this.  He said: a dom is to serve the needs of a sub, who needs to submit and serve the needs of a dom. A sub needs to serve the needs of a dom, who needs to dominate and serve the needs of a sub.  This was an interesting perspective for me - it showed me that there really isn't that much difference between a sub and a dom - neither can exist without the other.  The coin metaphor illustrates to me how important it is not not necessarily settle for the first dom-type you find - that person has to fit with you and your lifestyle and what you want.  There's not a 'one sized fits all' when it comes to any relationship.

It's for that reason that I don't agree with generic sub or slave training - a sub or slave needs to tailor him or herself to what her dominant wants, rather than assume all D-types want the same thing out of their subs.  The D/s relationship should be something that evolves over time, and should be founded on communication.  Now, don't get me wrong - I have no problem with formality in a D/s relationship (like names, positioning and that sort of thing), but I don't think it's something that needs to be set in stone on the third date, or anything like that.  Evolution of relationships is the thing that allows them to withstand changes in people and environments - this is exactly why I think that contracts in BDSM relationships are the most stupid thing I've ever heard of.  I'll write about that another time, because it deserves a whole freaking blog to itself.

While I agreed with most of what this guy said, I did not agree with one thing.  We were talking about the power dynamic, and I mentioned how the power of dominance attracts me, but I'm concerned about being dominant myself because of the responsibility that goes along with it.  He said: 'Responsibility is an illusion. Why? Because of the voluntary nature of submission'.  He is of the school of thought that a sub is purely using the dominant as a tool to 'meet his need to submit', whereas I think there's more to that.  At least, there is to me.  There is trust and respect involved.  Maybe it's an old fashioned view, but I really think that a dominant has a responsibility to protect their sub, even if it's only to protect the sub from themselves.

I spoke earlier about potentially trusting my dom with my life; this is something that I don't take lightly, and it's something that I expect that he doesn't, either.  Luckily, that sort of issue is easy to overcome with communication. Isn't it funny how we keep coming back to that?

Running and weightloss

So after some issues with a broken shoulder, I've finally reached that point in my C25K journey.  My next run will be my 'graduation run' - the very last run I need to do to complete the program.

If you had asked me on the 12 October 2010, the day I started the program, if I thought I would complete it, my answer would have been no.  If you had asked me any time in November if I thought I would finish it, my answer still would have been no.  In fact, if you had asked me in December, I would have said no.  Really, it's only been the last couple of weeks that I've considered myself a 'runner'.  I don't exactly know what that means for everyone else, but for me, being a runner is having that craving to run, and going, 'you know what, I'm going for a run'.

I am so, so proud of myself, both for finishing the program (well, nearly) and for how far I've come in the last few months.  I never ever thought I could bring myself to like running.  I used to watch people running, and they would look so peaceful and happy, and I never thought that I could be that person.

Running by numbers:

• I started W1D1 on 12 October 2010.  I will be completing my graduation run tonight, 24 January 2011. That means it has taken me just under 15 weeks to complete the 9 week program.
• I didn't run for 4 weeks when my shoulder was really painful.
• I lost 16kg during that period.
• I lost 37cm over my calves, thighs, hips, waist, boobs and arms.

Blogs along the way:

• Day one
• Day two
• Day three
• Week two - motivation issues
• Starting to take it seriously - I signed up to be a Heart Racer for the NZ Heart Foundation for AMI Round the Bays.  I'd still really appreciate any donations, and thanks lots to everyone who has already donated.
• Week 7 - an update on how things were going.

Would I recommend the C25k program?
Absolutely, unreservedly.  Anyone can do this.  Anyone.

The first week I started, I thought the program was okay.  I got through week one pretty easily, then week two was really really hard.  Week 4 was another challenge, and W5D3, a 20m jog with no intervals was hard.  W6D3 was the end of intervals, and in retrospect, it was here that I started feeling like a 'real' runner.

What's next?
I am going to do the One Hour Runner program next. It's based on one long run a week, and two shorter runs. The aim was to have the OHR program completed or mostly completed before the AMI Round the Bays, but this clearly isn't going to happen any more. I'm not too worried.



Thank you so much to my twitter family for supporting me though this whole journey, I really could have done it without you.  Congratulations also to @the_liberator, who's doing really really well with the program - today he ran 5k!!! Also to all of your who are at your various stages of your journey, please comment or tweet @ me and I'll add you to my baby wall of fame :)

The Wall of Fame:
@the_liberator
@MissNickiBee

Choices

The other day, I had an interesting conversation on twitter with @nessliddell and @meliharris about the blog I wrote about respect. We discussed how sometimes, it's really hard to separate a person from their actions, and how if you don't separate the two things, it makes it really hard to respect the person.

I think it's really important to respect people.  It's one of those fundamental things that every human deserves.  However, I do not have to like or respect the actions that a person does.  I can respect a rapist while condemning his actions.   I see this similarly to how you should raise children - you can love the child, but not love their actions (like this tweeter whose darling cut off their fringe last night!).  Now, I'm not a parent, nor do I want to be,  but I think the deal with kids is that you're supposed to say 'I love you but I don't like what you've done'.

This same theory holds true for adults - I can respect and even love you as a person, but not like the choices you have made.  We don't have to like all of the choices someone makes.  It's natural to disagree with people.  The thing that makes choices important is that everyone, always, has a choice.  Sometimes, we don't have good choices.  Sometimes, we can be stuck between a rock and a hard place, and we have to just choose the best of two evils.  But most of the time, we have the ability to choose between the good road and the bad road. There's a saying 'Even if you choose not to decide, you have still made a choice.' It is such a true statement.  People who drink drive and kill someone had a choice - they could choose to drink or not.  There was a moment when they were drinking that they could choose to keep drinking and get really drunk, or stop.  They could choose to drive and risk killing someone, or they could choose an alternative mode of transport.  It's not good enough that we say 'oh, but they were drunk, they didn't know what they were doing'.  They weren't always drunk.  There was a point where they made a choice, or in this case, a series of choices that led to the outcome of drink driving.

It's for this reason that I don't think it's okay that people blame their bad choices on their childhood.  There are people who have had horrible, horrible childhoods.  There are some things that, not matter how hard you try, will haunt you forever.  Some things happen to people that are the things of nightmares.  But at some point, they still made a choice.

Take the example of a mother.  As a child, she was terribly abused by her own mother.  She was hit, and kicked and slapped and yelled at, and she grew up hating herself.  There is no way, in 2011, that you can tell me that she thinks that that sort of behaviour is acceptable.  Maybe 50 years ago, but not now.  Maybe at the time when she was growing up, she thought that it was normal because that was her reality, but she also experienced first hand how horrible that made her feel and probably hated every minute of it.

So what's her excuse for abusing her own child?  She knows how it made her feel, and she knows that the abuse causes her own daughter to feel like she did.  It's not good enough to say that abuse is all she knows.  It's very very rare (possibly impossible) to find a person who was abused by every single other person that he or she came into contact with, all the time.  The mother in our example knows that not all people do this, and she knows that's it's not okay.  So why does she make the choice to do it to her own child?

Your bad childhood was not an excuse.  Sure, it might explain some things about you, but at the end of the day, each time you raised your hand to your crying child, you could make the choice to walk away.  Take responsibility for what you do.  It's not good enough to blame your past, or some abuse that you've suffered or some other excuse.

The good news is that most choices won't affect you tomorrow.  Most of the time, you will not be defined by one of the thousands of choices you have to make a day.  But there are some things that may - like the choice to drive drunk or to raise your hand to another person.  My rule about choices is to think first 'will this matter tomorrow'.  If  no, I can go ahead and make my choice.  If the choice is yes, I need to think more about it.  It isn't something that takes hours.  It's a split second process, and one day, it may save your life. Even if you choose not to decide, you have still made a choice.

Burn them!

Today, this story was all over the media.  A lesbian couple who live just north of Warkworth, in Mangawhai Heads had their property graffiti-ed on, and a shed burned down.  Understandably, they are hurt and scared and angry that people in their community could do something like this.

I hate graffiti.  I think it shows a complete disrespect for a society and the people who live there.  Porirua used to have huge problems with graffiti.  Maybe it still does, but I spend much less time here so don't notice so much anymore.  There is a group here who go around painting over graffiti.  The idea is that graffiti breeds more graffiti, so if you get rid of it straight away, it can help to prevent more from happening.

Anyway, the graffiti in this case was totally thoughtful stuff like 'dirty dyke'.  Firstly - who still says that?? And second, what the hell sort of society do these people think we live in? Just because you don't agree with someone else's opinions/sexual preferences or whatever doesn't mean it's okay to abuse them.  Why can't people get this through their heads??

You might not be a lesbian, you might think it's disgusting.  You might not think that lesbians should even be allowed outside in public.  That's fine, it's your opinion, and, retarded as it is, you're entitled to it.  But you need to understand that these women (or other women or men) are not doing anything illegal.  They're not (presumably) having sex in public or luring your children into their 'sordid' world.  They're just having a relationship, just like everyone else, and they're allowed to do that.

You don't have to like everything, or accept everything or have an opinion of anything at all, but you do have to respect that other people have the right to disagree with you.  They have the right to do things you don't agree with and to live their own lives.  Stop shitting on other people because they don't think like you.

Today I woke up

Today I woke up feeling depressed. Not that sad feeling you sometimes get when you break a nail or forget to set your alarm, but full blown too-empty-to-get-out-of-bed depressed. I'm lucky, it doesn't happen often, doesn't typically last long, and usually, I recognize it early enough to nip it in the bud before it takes over.

There doesn't necessarily have to be a trigger for it, although, in this case, there was. I find a really great way to make myself feel better is to clean while listening to music. It's a pretty awesome outlet; my house gets cleaned, and in the process, my soul gets cleaned too. It's win-win.

While I was on my mad cleaning spree, I listened to and watched the video for Fuckin Perfect by Pink. It helped me to remember that no matter how awful things are right now, there's a possibility that tomorrow isn't going to be so bad. And that no matter how bad things get, there are billions of people in the world; one of them HAS to love me. It's simple statistics.

When it's bad, remember that it's not always going to be bad. When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. And up is pretty cool sometimes. : )

Sex Fame

Yesterday, I asked for suggestions on what I could blog about. @honorarykiwi suggested blogging about my 'feelings about my new-found status as Twitter's go-to source for fetish and sex information'.

I think it's sort of a weird thing to happen. I'm totally happy to share my knowledge and opinions, and I'm also happy to talk to people who are interested in what I have to share. I'm definitely not a perfect source of information, there are lots and lots of people out there with way more experience than I have. I do have a bit of a weird obsession with thinking things through, probably too much. There are some people out there who can attest to that and it was evidenced in my blog about relationships.

I guess the biggest thing about why people are happy with sharing things with me is that I don't judge them for their preferences. It's not my place to do that, and it's honestly none of my business. I don't like the thought that other people judge me for my choices, so I need to set the example by not judging others. It's a very freeing way to interact with people, if you haven't done it before, I would recommend trying it. The next time someone says something that seems really strange or foreign to you, instead of allowing judgement to be the first things that jumps into your head, instead, relate the thing to you somehow. It doesn't matter if you have to come up with something totally tangential, what matters is that you have some way to relate to this person.

If you see the person as similar to you, judgement falls aside, and the focus is on empathy. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with their thoughts, just recognise that their opinion or thoughts are valid. You don't have to agree with their thoughts, you just have to recognise that they deserve an opinion, just like you.

No Regrets

One of my biggest rules in life is to live with no regrets.  Sometimes, it’s really hard.  Sometimes you do things that were totally stupid and irrational, and the only way you can justify not having regrets is to call it something else, like a ‘learning experience’.  Other times, something that you initially felt was the wrong thing to do could turn out to be an awesome, awesome thing.
 
Following this blog, I told the guy the thing I was talking about.  His reaction wasn’t exactly what I hoped for, and I almost got to the stage of regretting telling him at all. 
 
After sleeping on it, I realised - shock horror - that I can’t actually control what other people think or feel.  It sounds ridiculous that at almost-22 I haven’t figured that out yet.  Maybe I’m just a slow learner.  Anyway, I woke up this morning (well, I was woken up by a text from a certain someone) feeling good, and at peace with my choice.  I’ve always thought that you can really tell how you feel about a choice you make based on the feeling you have when you wake up the next morning.  Think about it -  who you brought home last night; whether you should have had the chicken, or if the new hair cut actually suits you.  Sometimes sleep makes everything clearer.
 
Back to the story.  I decided that if he doesn’t like what I had to say, he knows where the door is.  Seeing as he had something he wanted to talk to me about so much as to wake me up before 9am on a Thursday, I’d assume that he’s okay with it.  And even if he’s not, there’s not a hell of a lot I can do about it, so I shouldn’t beat myself up about it, I can’t control his feelings.
 
I’d much rather be honest with myself (and with him) than pretend that things don’t exist or ignore feelings.  It’s only with all the facts that you can make informed decisions, and I really think that in 99% of situations, honesty is the best policy.  Maybe not when your girlfriend asks if her bum looks big in this dress or if your mother-in-law wants to know if you like the meatloaf, but generally, honesty works pretty well.  Besides, I’m a terrible liar, so I should really avoid lying at all costs.
 
I’m all for living in the moment, but I’m also one of those people who love to make plans for the future.  I love dreaming about next week or next year or what my life is going to be like in 10 years, and that’s okay.  As long as your dreams don’t get in the way of you living in the moment, there are no problems.  So, what if this thing doesn’t work out?  Well, like always, I’ll survive.  I’ll move on to something new.  But in the mean time, I’m going to live in the moment, and enjoy every minute of today.

The blog we've all been talking about

Okay, this is going to be a very personal blog, about my 'innermost, romantic feelings' and soppy shit like that. If you don't think you can read it without being an ass, please don't. And please don't give me shit on twitter about it, I already feel weird enough without being mocked relentlessly by people whom I've never met.

Actually, after writing that intro, and talking to Kassh, I've decided not to write it. It's not worth ruining anything over, and I'm enjoying what I have right now. This might seem like a bit of a cop-out, and to be honest, it is. But telling the world before the person goes against my whole 'communication in relationships' rule - and that's the out I'm using here. If you really respect a person, no matter what it is you have to tell them, good or bad, it should be face to face. I was going to by text, but that's a terrible idea. There are some things you don't do via text, like telling someone you're pregnant or breaking up with them (I'm neither, to be clear).

I guess this would lead into a good post about respect and relationships, and the link between communication and respect. This segue is awesome, go me!

So, what do I think about respect? There's that general adage that respect should be earned, and I totally agree with that. However, I also think that we as humans have a responsibility to respect other people as people - even if we don't like them. This means that we have to respect women and children and murderers and rapists. Everyone is somebody's baby, even if we don't like what they have done. That doesn't mean that we need to respect them as anything more than a person, it just means that we have to treat them like people. On top of that, people can earn our respect by doing special things. I sort of think of it like a kid's sticker chart, except way cooler because I got to colour it in myself. What they can do to earn respect varies from person to person.

For me, a big part of respect is someone respecting me. It sounds circular and silly, but if someone respects the things that I do and the reasons why I do them, I will respect them a lot more than if they either don't care, or worse, actively discourage me from doing what I do. I think respect in relationships is super important. Too many people seem to forget that their partners are, before everything, people. You wouldn't scream abuse at a person on the street, and you probably also wouldn't yell profanities at a person on the bus, so why is it somehow okay to treat your partner like that? You also wouldn't just totally ignore the girl at the library counter if she said something you didn't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand getting angry and frustrated with your partner. However, has yelling ever solved a problem? Has shutting down and ignoring the person you have the issue with ever actually fixed anything?

I'm a firm believer that communication is the keystone to a relationship - and also, that yelling isn't communication. I think that if there are issues, they should be talked about. I've been in a relationship with someone who, when he got annoyed, would totally shut down and refuse to discuss the issue, or anything else, for that matter. It would drive me insane; personally, I hate going to bed angry, and I find it really hard to let go without discussing the issue and 'kissing and making up' so to speak. I would never be with a guy who shut down like that again. It sent me into a bit of a depression because I felt like I was being ignored. Now I realise that it was just his way of dealing with it, but it would have been much better for both of us if he were to say 'I'm angry, I'm not discussing this now, we can talk about it in 2 hours'.

I've never been with someone who yelled at me. I don't do yelling very well, it makes me cry. I think a guy who yelled at me would be a deal-breaker. There's no excuse for it. My aunty used to be terrible at yelling at my uncle and her children. She didn't do it because she was a horrible person, she did it because it was the only way she thought they would listen. My grandmother sat down one day with her and told her what she was doing. She took it to heart, and it took a while, but she very rarely yells. Maybe that would work in other relationships also, but it's not something I'm willing to be involved in.

I think conflict is totally normal. People will never agree on everything, and no one should have to go along with everything their partner says just to prevent conflict. The issue lies in ensuring that conflict is dealt with in the right way; that is, with respect for the other person. If I respect you enough to kiss you and spend time with you or live with you or sleep with you, I respect you enough to make the effort to treat you and your opinions with respect. Sometime's it's hard, sure. But there is never an excuse for belittling your partner. The way you show respect is through the way you communicate with someone.

Whenever I'm really really frustrated with someone I love, I take a second to remember why I love the person, and think about how they make me happy. It might not work for you, but it works for me. If I'm really really frustrated, I'll put myself in time out. Sometimes having a shower or sitting outside or going for a drive can take the anger out of the situation. Remember, anger is your problem, no body else's.

Consent continued

Although the consent issue is very clear in my mind, I know others, especially others who don't understand the dynamics of Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationships. Keep in mind that I'm not an expert on this - and anyone who professes to be one should be avoided at all costs - but I'll do my best to explain how consent and being a submissive or slave can co-exist.

As I've already discussed here and here, consent is about an active decision to participate and be involved with something. This can sometimes create issues because subs, or slaves especially, will sometimes be ordered to do something they don't necessarily want to do.

This is where limits come in. Now, there are two main schools of thoughts on this, and I'll briefly explain them both, then argue for the side I agree with.

The first school of thought is that submissives shouldn't/can't have limits. Many people who subscribe to this school of thought are actually okay with subs having limits, but not slaves, because they are 'owned', and are therefore an object to be used, rather than a person with thoughts/feelings. The idea behind this thought is that when they agree to become a slave (or become collared, as the process may be), they give up their right to make choices to their Master - this is their consent to anything that the Master wants to do.

There are a couple of ways that Masters get rid of their slave's limits - the most common being breaking the slave and 'top down'. Breaking is just what it sounds like; the slave is worked until their spirit is broken, and they will blindly follow whatever their Master's will is. More and most often, it's seen as unnecessary, and even dangerous. 'Top down' is my term - it's more working with the slave to break through their limits through trust. Lots of limits are based on a lack of trust.

The second is that subs and slaves can have limits. There are soft limits and hard limits; soft limits are something the sub/slave is potentially willing to change their mind on, with the right person in the right situation, and hard limits are end-of-story no-way. That's not to say that they can't be changed, but they should always be respected by the Dom. A sub or slave has the right to veto hard limits, and depending on the relationship dynamic, may have the right to veto activities if they're not feeling it for that day/scene. This can either be through a pre-arranged safe-word, a conversation before hand, or a simple 'no'; whatever works for the specific relationship.

This is the school of thought that I subscribe to. I like being ordered to do things, but all of those things should be within my personal limits. It doesn't mean that my partner needs to get permission every time he or she touches me, but they should refer to my checklist and know what I'm okay with, and what I'm not. Hard limits should be respected, soft limits should be discussed, but anything I've marked as okay or up is fair game. I don't generally use a safe word because I don't play with people I don't trust to be able to read my body language and notice that something is wrong. Other people swear by them, and that's okay too.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do to ensure your consent and your partner's is to talk to them. Know what they like, know the sorts of things that they are happy to do off the cuff, and know things that they prefer to be planned. There's no one right answer because it changes with every partner and situation.

A side note on safewords - don't think that just because you have a safeword, it means that you are safe. You are only ever as safe as your partner is; if you're restrained and they choose to ignore your safeword, it's as good as useless.

How far does consent go?

I know we've covered safe, sane and consensual, but I saw this today on fetlife and had to say something.

I am married to my sub/slave bev. I enjoy humiliating her to the point of tears.

I have written on her, spit and pissed on her but I am looking for something a little more extreme.

I was thinking about taking her out in public, in the middle of winter wearing only post-it notes. Force her to walk a crowded city block and I will pick her up when she is done.

The post-it notes would cover her privates and nipples and be attached to other parts of her body. Saying that she is a fat ass. That she is a dumb fucking whore. That she has rolls and cellulite. One by her mouth saying to piss in it.

Maybe have a "tailed" butt plug shoved into deep into her ass for her walk.

As long as her privates are covered I don't believe we are in violation of any laws.
I think this sounds hot and I would love to watch her reaction before, during and after.

Any suggestions to make this better? If this is not your thing please don't criticize.

Okay class, hands up who can tell me what's wrong with this picture?

Let's ignore the fact that this guy obviously wants to humiliate his sub - there's nothing wrong with that as long as she consents, even if it's not something you're into. Let's ignore the name calling - it might be unpalatable to you (and me, if I'm going honest - seriously, take note - calling me dumb and fat will not get you anywhere with me!), but it is obviously something that they like, and that's okay.

SSC stands for 'safe, sane and consensual'. The scenario above probably isn't going to be unsafe, especially as this person is pretty sure they aren't breaking any laws. I'd beg to differ, but if he believes they're not, that's on him. Sane - without putting our own views in there, I'm sure that he can argue that it's sane. He likes it, we can assume she likes it, or at least has consented to it by being his slave.

The issue here lies with the consensual part. He's clearly consenting, and we assume her consent through her slave status. But what about all of the people in public, who will see this near naked woman covered in insults walking down the street? Unless everyone was 100% aware that this was going to happen and had the choice to go somewhere else or avoid it, they're not consenting. In a public street, there are likely to be children who are underagedand therefore unable to consent.

The other thing is there is a general rule that you won't impose your kink onto any people who have not consented. This is, I think, especially important with 'vanilla' people - like the un-expecting people doing their shopping at lunch time. Most of us probably wouldn't want to see two people having sex in public, or a husband hitting a wife, or someone defecating in public, so why would it be okay to assume that other people want to witness something that usually happens 'behind closed doors'? And before I get jumped on for the domestic abuse thing; I'm not for a second implying that it's okay if it happens in private, that's ridiculous.

The only caveat I have to this rule about not imposing kink on others is the fact that I don't think sex should be some secret, private thing that we should feel ashamed about. If we keep sex, kinky or otherwise, a secret, then we are perpetuating this shame. That's an issue for me, because sex really shouldn't be so scary and embarrassing. In saying that, I still don't think sex should be imposed on unwilling participants; at the end of the day, consent is the trump card.

I'm making a website and it's really hard

I'm building a website. I've done one before, but nothing this complicated, and it's quite a scary prospect to brush up on my HTML, learn PHP, MySql, CSS and Javascript to do this. It's been insanely frustrating and rewarding, and I really feel like I'm getting somewhere with it.

Obviously, I haven't done this alone. There have been lots of great people who have helped me massively, and I just want to thank them. If I've forgotten to add you on this list, sorry!!!! You have helped, I just have a terrible memory!

• @iClnt - found me video tutorials, and actually told me I wasn't crazy for doing this, even though it's probably a total lie
• @Simon_w - This dude has been my very own mac tech-support :D
• @JAMMAN2110 - I don't know why, but James has even helped me at 3am!
• @Brian_NZ - read through all my code, AND was super nice about it!
• @ardrigh - found the solution to the problem I had been stuck on for 6 hours in a matter of minutes, AND fed me. Thanks! :D

So, basically, I'm enjoying the journey of learning all this crazy stuff. I can see why people enjoy it, but no, @jethrocarr, PHP is not like sex.

Let's talk about sex, baby

Okay, say you're interested in kink, but you've been involved with your partner for a couple of years, and until now, you've had a totally vanilla sex life. Maybe you're just interested in some relatively tame stuff; light spanking and wrist restraints. How do you bring this up with your partner?

I think that communication in relationships is super important. Lots of people overestimate how well their partner can pick up on their non-verbal cues, and this can lead to frustration, misunderstanding and resentment. At the same time, people are embarrassed about telling their significant other what they're thinking and feeling.

It is scary to bare your soul to someone. I'm not going to lie, it's terrifying. You face possible rejection and ridicule, and it's hard to take that first step. But if you don't take any steps, know that you're settling for less than what you could potentially experience.

I can never understand couples who can't talk about money or sex. They're both hugely important and can be deal-breakers. Imagine marrying someone, and 3 years later, finding out that they owe huge amounts of money. Imagine finding out when they declare bankruptcy. Isn't money something you should talk about and be upfront about? There are some conversations that you should have early in a relationship; I'm not talking on the first date, but within that first year:

• what's your personal money situation? How much do you owe, are you managing payments and what's your credit rating like?
• do you want kids? Are you prepared to negotiate?
• do you see yourself wanting to leave the country in the next 10 years?
• if you won lotto, how would you spend the money?

Seriously, those are important questions. The sex one is a bit sticky, I'll admit. Your sexual preferences and likes and dislikes develop throughout your life; what you like today may not be the same things you'll like five years from now. With that in mind, I think sex should be something that you touch base with your partner about often.

In my first major relationship, within an hour of sex, we would rate how we found it out of 10, and give each other one thing we loved and one thing we would like to try next time. It often sparked further conversations, and lead to some pretty amazing things that we tried on a whim. It was nothing serious, more like a game that we did, but it made a huge difference to the openness of our sexlife and how we felt to talk about it.

In my second major relationship, we had a box in the bedroom. Every week, we would each put at least one thing we would like to do in the box. They could be something totally new, or something we did before. Whenever we were in a bit of a rut, we would take turns pulling things out of the box to try. We each got to veto 3 things, which went back into the box, then we would do the first thing we could either both agree on, or the 6th thing out of the box. That was a really awesome way of making sex fun and exciting, and also a great way of introducing new things without having to feel weird about it.

I think that openness about sex gets easier as you do it more. If you never ever talk about sex, of course it's going to feel weird at first. You will feel self-conscious; hell, sometimes I feel self-conscious talking about sex!

I think the best thing to do is jump in and talk about it. A simple conversation of 'you know, I had a dream last night of you doing *** to me' can open up a whole new world. If you don't want to talk face to face, text, email, write a letter if you have to. Remember, if you're feeling self-conscious, chances are, your partner is too. Make the conversations short at first; and don't pressure them. But whatever you do, for the sake of your sex life, don't ever give up.

But I don't like it...

Someone asked me how I interact with people who are into kinky things that I'm not into. This sort of had me puzzled. How do I interact/get along with people who have different views from me? Well, first of all, I respect their choice, even if it's not something I agree with, then I treat them like a human being - sort of like how people in the real world do. Wait - we ARE in the real world!

I don't see how interactions between people with different sexual preferences makes that much of a difference. Just like in real life, there are some things that are deal-breakers. For example, I could not be friends with a person who doesn't respect women as people. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who smokes; that's a deal-breaker for me. However, there are some things that I don't like, but that don't affect me. For example, I might not agree with someone's political views, but for me, that's not a deal-breaker, so I can still be friends with them. It's probably not something we're going to spend lots of time discussing, so it wont make too much difference in my everyday life.

The same goes with sexual stuff. A deal breaker for me would be someone who's into practicing bestiality (you'll note that this is distinguished from fantasising or role playing - those I don't have a problem with because they can be justified under SSC). Bestiality is a deal breaker for me, because I can't justify it under SSC. I could probably justify it as safe, if you used adequate protection and didn't involve an animal who is likely to kill you, but it's not sane to me as it's illegal, and I won't do anything illegal. It's also not consensual because you have an animal who cannot consent. There are other people who can, rightly or wrongly justify it. That's on them, but for me, it's not only something outside of what I'm comfortable with, but I think it's morally wrong. I couldn't be with a person who was into it.

However, there are some things that I'm not into sexually that aren't deal-breakers, much like my politics example. I'm not into permanent marks, piercing or anything similar - it is a hard limit. However, it doesn't bother me if my partner was into that, and, although I wouldn't be on the receiving end of it, I would participate if it was important to my partner.

There are a couple of reasons that this is different to bestiality, in my mind, at least.

• Consent is a huge thing for me - an animal cannot consent, therefore, SSC does not apply. People CAN consent, sanely to body modification, even it it's not something I'm into.
• Bestiality is illegal, body modification isn't. I can't see how it could be sane to do something illegal, and I can't see how you can consent to something illegal safely.
• To me, bestiality can signal lots of other things I'm not into - it's just not something I want to get involved in.
• I can see the appeal of the control aspect of body modification, there is no appeal at all to me of practicing bestiality.

So, what's my answer to the question of how I deal with people who are into things I'm not? With respect, the same way I would deal with anyone else in life who was into things that I'm not. Sorry I don't have a magic fix-all answer, but there's no simple solution. In order to know what you don't like in others, you first have to know what you don't like for you, and what you do like, and go from there.

What is 'safe, sane and consensual'?

After some discussion on twitter, IM and email, it has come to my attention that many people don't know what this phrase means in BDSM circles, so I thought I'd give you my take on it.

Basically, any kink/fetish is okay as long as it can be justified under all three categories of 'safe, sane and consensual'. So, as long as you are engaging in the act in a safe manner, you are sane (not under the influence of drugs/alcohol) while doing it, and you are doing it with fully consenting adults, your kink is reasonable. This of course, doesn't mean that what you're into is going to be liked or even respected by everyone; there are lots of people out there who think than safe, consensual bondage is totally wrong. For example, I'm not into needle play. But that doesn't mean that it's not safe for someone else - or even for me if I were to consent to it.

There is another, similar one; RACK - risk aware consensual kink. I think I like this one better because depending on the kink, it's not always possible to be totally, 100% safe, but you should be aware of the risks and do what you can to minimise them (ie, wear condoms, have a knife handy in case you can't undo the ropes etc).

This safe, sane, consensual/RACK mantra is pretty well known in the kink world, and I wonder why it isn't more widely followed in the vanilla world too. I can't help but think that sex would be much safer in general if people followed the same system. The other thing that's super important is that kink shouldn't be imposed on anyone who isn't into it. People should have the choice to be involved or not involved through consent, not by accident.

Of course, like in any other community, there are people in the kink world who don't follow the 'rules' - they go too far, or do things without the full consent of their partners. The good think about the community is that in lots of ways, it's a self-regulating community because it's reasonably small. News about people doing dangerous things in the community (be it failing to respect someone's limits, rape, going too far etc) travels. It's always a good idea to talk to people in the community to see if anyone's heard anything about the person you're interested in getting involved with. It's sort of like how you'd google a vanilla partner to make sure they weren't a freak, or married or whatever.

So, that said, SSC and RACK are good rules to live by, even if you're not into kink. The basis for both, and the basis you ideally would have in any relationship is communication - in kink/bdsm/dom-sub situations, this is even more important because you're potentially trusting this person with your life.

I do think that might be why relationships based on or including kink or bdsm particularly are so intense and often last the long haul; there is a whole lot of trust involved, and in order to get to a place where you're willing to put that much trust in a person, you need to have open lines of communication, especially mid-scene. That's where safewords, if you choose to use one, and non-verbal communication come into play. Non-verbal communication isn't something that you know straight away, that takes time. Just like you might know your vanilla partner had a bad day because of they way they walk, talk or cross their arms, you might know your dom is not comfortable through similar clues, or that your sub is not coping by listening to him or her breathe.

Just like there's no right or wrong way to have a friendship or vanilla relationship, there's no wrong way to have a kink/bdsm/sub-dom relationship either, however, it is pretty important that you make sure you stay safe, talk about what you're going to be doing and your limits, and make sure that everyone has actively consented.

Safe, sane, consensual

Someone asked me today why I'm a sub. They mean, of course, why, in a dom/sub sexual relationship, I am the submissive one. She said that I'm so forceful and confident in my normal life that she can't imagine me being submissive in the bedroom. It's got me thinking. Why am I a sub? What does that mean?

I've known I was submissive, sexually, for a long time. As long as I can remember, really. All of today, I've been wondering why. Maybe something in my past triggered it; maybe I've had a bad experience being sexually dominant, maybe it's a control issue and choosing to feel out of control is actually being in control. Then I sort of thought, well, who cares why? Does it make a difference to be if the cause of my submission is this or that? Does it make a difference to my partner? Will it make me change what I'm doing? The answer is, no, of course not. So why does it matter? It doesn't.

I spent the afternoon (while procrastinating doing something actually important) doing a BDSM checklist, where you can check off all the things you've done, are into or would like to try, and you can rate how into them, or not into them you are. It was a really interesting exercise; it got me thinking about things that I've done or haven't, and things that I might want to try in the future.

I used to wonder if people would think I'm strange or kinky or odd for being submissive. I now know that; a) I don't care, and b) some of the things I'm into might be more cause for thinking I'm kinky than simply being submissive. I also know that unless I choose to discuss and share it, it's no one's business but my own, and, what's more, most people are a hell of a lot more embarrassed about the idea than I am!

It's so strange to me that sex is still such a taboo. I mean, come on, it's 2011. Why are we so embarrassed by it and why is it so private? I can totally respect and understand people not wanting to share their particular preferences with the world, although, personally, I could care less. What I don't understand thought, is this weird, unwritten agreement we have with each other, where we just sort of pretend that no one has sex, and call it a day. I don't have kids, but I think this is a really really weird way to bring up children. Sex was much more open in my family; I knew that people have sex, and we spoke as a family about the pressures of sex and consequences of it. Maybe some people will blame my 'devient' sexual preferences on this openness, however, I tend to think that I have a pretty healthy attitude towards sex, and I'm glad that I had the upbringing I did.

I really think some people are way too prudish about sex. Here's a shock to you. Maybe you want to sit down for this. Kids know adults have sex. And until they grow up a bit and catch your shame, they view it as a natural thing. Why are we ashamed by our bodies, and by what we like and who we love or like enough to share that with? Why are we teaching shame to our children?

Welcome to my nightmare

This blog post is about rape. If it's going to make you sad, please read about my angry work situation instead.

I mentioned last week that I have a recurring nightmare, and have had it for years. I woke up this morning, and couldn't get it out of my head. When I have days like this, it really sets me into a horrible headspace for the day, and I find myself scared of everyone, which really sucks.

I mentioned it on twitter this morning, and Cat suggested writing it down. I don't know why I've never thought of this before - I write everything else down, so why not a nightmare that I've struggled with for years? It seems like a no brainer; whenever else I write things down, it helps me to process whatever it is and either come up with a solution or move on, so why would the same not apply to this?

Anyway, I've had this nightmare for years and years, and each time, it's slightly different, just to keep me on my toes. The basic premise is that I'm being violently and physically raped. Before you say 'oh, but all rape is physical', realise that there's a difference between being held down and being kicked and punched and choked and thrown against walls. One of those I consider 'physical rape' the other, I consider 'rape'. Sorry, but it had to be said. You could also say that the physicality makes it violent, or that ALL rape is violent, but again, there's rape, then there's rape, then there's violent rape, where the rapist is totally out of control and crazy. Have you ever been so angry that when someone talks to you or even yells, you don't hear them because you're so caught up in your own world? That's sort of how I imagine the rapist is feeling.

Each time, I'm locked or otherwise restrained in a room. Last night it was in my own bedroom, which makes for horrific change. There's nothing like feeling unsafe in your own house. Despite the fact that I don't even have a lock on my door, I was somehow locked it with the rapist, and he had the only key to get out. There were bars on the windows (clearly, my room was somewhat modified; I am paranoid, but not enough to fit bars on my bedroom window!) and magic glass so no one could hear me. My bed has a headboard and footboard (is that what you call the thing that sticks up at the end of the bed?) and I was thrown, deliberately, broken shoulder down onto the footboard, then kicked into it again for good measure.

Before I started writing this, I didn't really think it would make me feel worse, but somehow it has.

Anyway. In my nightmare, I basically get hit until I'm on the ground and can't get up, then kicked in the stomach and choked until I stop fighting. Just to leave nothing to the imagination, when I'm choked, usually, it's a hand around the throat pushing me into the floor/bed/wall. It's about then in my nightmare that a feeling of overwhelming helplessness and desperation takes over, which is the feeling I wake up with.

That feeling, if you've had the good fortune to never experience it before, is very similar to the feeling you get when you're drowning. You know, just incase you've almost drowned and survived, but have never felt like your world has collapsed. For those of you who have not experienced either, for me, first, my eyesight goes - I can have my eyes open, but my vision gets more and more blurry, then finally black. After that, my lungs and chest start burning, and in my stomach, I feel like I'm being punched from the inside. My legs stop responding first, the finally, my arms refuse too. Everything burns, but is so, so cold. My lungs involuntarily try to breathe a few times, then they, too, give up. In real life, I would probably pass out at this point, only to wake up to being raped, but because nightmares are horrible, I stay conscious throughout the whole thing.

You'd think that after so many years of nightmares, I would be able to control what I'm doing and pretend to pass out or pretend not to fight to make it easier, but I'm not the sort of person to ever give up without a fight, even if it's in my best interests not to. I guess fear takes over.

The actual rape part is a lot less scary and horrible than the being attacked into submission part, even though in my nightmares, I'm always somehow or another being strangled, punched or otherwise hurt while the rape happens.

When I was younger and had these nightmares, I remember thinking during them that there's no way that you can die in a dream, it would be like those flying dreams where you fall, and just as you hit the ground, you wake up. I can attest to the fact that this is blatant lies; I have been killed in dreams and have watched my rapist attack my body after I'm dead. I think that gives me the greatest feeling of helplessness.

Sorry, I know this has got less and less readable and more of a jumbled mess, and I'm not sure whether I should post this or not. I guess any comments I get couldn't be worse than how I'm feeling right now, huh?

Maybe this whole writing it down thing will get easier with time. This time, it just made me cry and want to curl up somewhere safe and be alone, but for now, even my house isn't safe, so I guess I should go to work and be around other people.

Work makes me angry.

I'm not usually the sort of person to complain about things. In fact, I'm usually very quiet and docile, and I don't like to make waves. Actually, that's a huge lie - I'm usually the first to complain, very vocally, about injustices, more so those that happen to others, rather than myself, but that didn't work as well with the story, so we'll proceed on the basis that I don't usually complain.

Anyway, here I am, as a non-complainer, feeling the need to complain about an injustice I have witnessed at work. Now, for those of you who know me and where I work, this is the retail job, not the office job. We should keep this very clear so I don't get into trouble!

Anyway, through a combination of being injured (shoulder) and having leave for my holiday, I've been away for about 5 weeks. I've had an ongoing issue with this place not paying my leave correctly, and as a result, am currently claiming over $1000 in leave payments. There are also lots and lots of other issues that I have with this place.

Anyway, it seems that while I've been away, lots has happened. The thing I'm most pissed off about is the fact that the store manager hired the TIC's son. It might not seem like a big deal, but let me put it in context:

• the general rule is that people who are related ie father and son, cannot work in the same store for security reasons. Other people in similar situations have not been allowed to work in the same store. In fact, another manager's son was turned down 3 times because his father works in the same store.
• this place has surprisingly stringent hiring processes and the policy is that a person will only be hired after a phone interview, a group interview, a 2 on 1 interview then 2 day induction. This particular person was hired after 1 interview.
• because of hazchem and physical dangers, the company has a policy of not hiring anyone under 16 years old. This particular person is only 15 years old.
• there are people who work in the store who are begging for hours (such as a person who does the job this person was hired for who can only get 32 hours when he wants 40) but this person was hired for 40h/week.

It seems stupid, but it's so demoralizing for the people who are there working every day to see someone come in and get a job because of who they know. The thing that fucks me off the most is the double standard. Why have policies if they can be broken whenever someone feels like it?

I suppose I shouldn't expect anything more from employers who allow an employee to suffer from permanent partial blindess and the only thing they ask is who's doing her job while she's at the doctor. Or an employer who allows an employee to be sexually harassed (physically touched) at work by a person who has already had several sexual harassment complaints laid by other staff and customers, then tells her that she might have 'misinterpreted' the touch, and that 'friendly pats' on the ass are okay at work. Or an employer who fires someone who has no previous warnings with no notice, warning or chance to appeal, but doesn't fire another person who does exactly the same thing, but who has been given warnings in the past.

I don't know what I should do. I want to confront my manager about it, but I think it would just end up being a stupid conversation where she denies everything and pretends there's no problem. Am I making too big a deal about this? Should I just forget all about it and move on?

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Yeah, I know they're crappy lyrics, but that's exactly what I feel like.

Today was the 3rd day back at work after an amazing holiday in the sun, and reality is definitely setting in.

The whole time I was away, I slept pretty well, and came home feeling very rested.

For years now, I've had a recurring nightmare. The whole time I was away, I didn't have the nightmare once, and last night I had it again.

When it first started happening, it would fuck me up for a couple of days. When it started getting more and more regular, I started sleeping less because I was scared to sleep. That's how my insomnia developed. The problem with the nightmare is that sometimes I can't snap myself out of it and I get trapped within the nightmare. It's really annoying to me, because it's something I can't control. I like to be able to control everything in my life, and I can't do that when I'm sleeping.

Any tips on getting rid of nightmares? This has got to stop. Maybe that should be my new year's resolution.

Camping, day seven

Today, it's officially the first day of 2011. I don't know when that would even be an unofficial thing, but today is the official day all the same.

Last night was reasonably uneventful. I went to bed at about 12.30pm, and watched a movie and chatted on IRC. The noisy people outside stopped at about 3, and I got to sleep just after 5.30, only to wake up again at 7 because of the sun. There was lots of retching and puking around this morning, but none from me as I didn't drink a drop.

It was nice to be the sober onlooker; usually I don't drink to the point of ridiculousness, but I still feel like my judgement of the situation is slightly impaired after a couple of drinks. Last night I was stone cold sober, so I could truly judge the carnage. I got a hug from a girl, who proceeded to stagger a couple of steps, vomit on herself then collapse on the road.

There were also kids running wild outside, their drunk parents too preoccupied to bother looking after them. A bunch of them jumped out at me as I left the toilets, and I, by reflex, smacked one of them in the head with a torch. Oops. Hopefully they got the message to behave.

Today is a nice, hot day with a bit of a breeze. My cousins and aunty and uncle have come over from Napier for the day, and we're going to the beach and then will have a BBQ dinner.

I hope this is how 2011 stays, nice, calm and quiet with minimal stress. : )