Once a cheater, always a cheater

I pride myself on honest and communicating in a relationship, but I'm going to be honest, it hasn't always been like this. I've never really been a liar, although, when I tell you this next story, you might not believe me. Lying makes me feel physically sick, I hate not telling the truth and I think that not telling is just as bad as outright lying. But that doesn't mean I've never lied.

The first lie I ever told was to my parents. One night we had pizza for dinner, which was a big treat. I was probably about 3, or maybe 4. It was before my brother was born, anyway. I was feeling sick, I think I had a tummy bug or something, but I desperately wanted pizza and ice cream, so I remember not telling my parents that I was feeling sick because they wouldn't have let me eat pizza. I remember being totally full, but wanting ice cream so bad. Mum told me that I had to eat ALL of my pizza before I could have ice cream, so I put the pizza in my mouth and went to the bathroom, and spat it out in the toilet.  

I remember mum asking if I had eaten it, and I said yes, knowing that I was lying.  I'm a terrible liar, and mum's always known that.  I have no doubt in my mine that she knows I was lying, but I think she didn't call me out on it because she knew my own guilt would eat me alive.  And she was right, it only took about 3 days before the guilt got too much for me and I woke up crying in the middle of the night to confess my sins.

Anyway, that's not the story that will make you not believe me.  Once, I cheated on a guy.  Even then I was totally against it, and I knew it was wrong.  It's not an excuse, but it's hard to break up with someone when you have as much history as we did - we were (and still are) bonded forever.  I fell for a guy who was going out with my friend at the time.  She wasn't a close friend; we went to primary school together, and she was my best friend there.  One day, she stopped coming to school, and I found out about year later that she had changed schools and never told me.  She went to a school close to mine, and we occasionally passed each other in the street.  Maybe the cheating was partially getting back at her for that, not that it's an excuse.  I knew they were together, and while I didn't exactly seduce him, I didn't reject his advances either.  We were 16 and young and stupid and we thought we were in love.  Maybe we were in love.

We had sex, and started hanging out every day.  It eventually got to the point where we wanted to be together publicly, and we knew that it would come out.  I told my boyfriend, who, unknown to me, was actually friends with the other guy's girlfriend.  He told her, and one morning, the whole thing blew up.  I never lied to him about it, but I also didn't tell the truth.  He was more disappointed than angry, I think. We both knew out relationship was over, and had been for a while, but it was still a breach of trust.  The whole time it was going on (about 3 months) I felt guilty.  There were times I would see them together, and it was exciting having a secret that was just ours.  I've always liked the late night texts and sneaky phone calls, so a secret relationship is right up my alley.  

It might come as a bit of a surprise, but I am a very good secret keeper.  Despite the amount I share on my blog/in twitter/at lunch, I am actually very good about keeping things private.  I probably could have kept this private relationship going on for months and months without letting anything slip - although the guilt would have eaten me alive.  

For about two weeks after we went public and broke up with our respective boyfriends and girlfriends, it was drama after drama.  The friend who I literally hadn't spoken to in 6 or 7 years was suddenly my 'best friend' that I had betrayed, and my ex and I were somehow re-engaged (despite having decided that we were not going to get married anymore) and had planned our wedding date.  People everywhere (my school, the boy's school, her school, our respective sports teams) took sides, and it eventually ended in her sending me death threats, then sleeping with my ex to get back at me.  In the meantime, the secret guy and I carried on our relationship, although we decided we didn't want anything official.  We ended up together about a year later, and have spent 5 years together.

Cheating isn't something I've ever been able to forgive myself for.  There are still times where I feel guilty and disappointed that I didn't have the guts to leave the relationship sooner.  I feel bad that I upset her relationship, and also sad that I betrayed my ex.  However, all four of us are quite happy now.  She lives in Napier with her long term boyfriend, he lives in Christchurch with his girlfriend of two years.  The guy and I are best friends, and live together.  

Cheating probably doesn't always have this outcome.  I don't know why it worked out this way for us, and despite the 'happy ending' in this situation, it's not something I would ever condone.

The other thing I can't condone is people who encourage cheating.  I've blogged about it before; situations where one party know the other is in a relationship and still gets involved.  It's not as bad as the cheater, I think, but it is still bad - and dishonest - especially if you know the partner of the person you are cheating with.  I think people who knowingly get involved with someone who's cheating delude themselves into thinking 'oh, he'll leave her for me' or 'I'll never fall for him'.  It's stupid, and dangerous.  

There is that saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.  I'm not sure I believe this is the case always - people can change.  But I do think that if you cheat and get away with it with minimal or no heartbreak, you'll be more likely to try it again.  Let's face it, a new relationship is exciting.  All of those 'firsts' are new and exciting and fantastically fresh.  You feel special and appreciated, and it's a very addicting feeling.  And no matter how hard we try, over time, relationships do get comfortable and things get more mundane - it's hard to keep that spark in a relationship (and this is where exciting sex comes in, for me, anyway).  It makes sense that we want something new.  

People in long term relationships who are very, very lonely are very common.  The reality is, you spend all this time together, and you forget to talk.  You sleep with each other every night, but most of the time, you stop having sex as often, or you do it, but you just go through the motions rather than have that exciting sex in the car/on the beach/on the couch/on the living room floor against the coffee table.  And once that excitement is gone, it's really  hard to get back.  I don't have the answers.  I've ended relationships because the sex wasn't as often/good enough as I wanted.  Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't get the spark back, and you can't make it exciting anymore.  I think that's the time to leave.

Rate My Ass.com

Tonight, a guy and I went on an amazing, romantic*, couple** date*** and did lots of firsts together(4*).  We first went to an amazing play(5*), then for a stroll along the waterfront(6*).  We had an amazing, candlelit dinner alone in a 5 star restaurant(7*), then retired to our expensive hotel room with starched white sheets and red rose petals scattered around the room(8*).  We made love in the moonlight(9*) then, as we lay in each others arms staring adoringly into each others eyes(10*), he told me my ass was a 6/10.

A SIX out of TEN!?  What the FUCK?  It gets worse.  How, I hear you asking?  Well, he said I have wide hips.  And said that my ass is pointy.  Pointy?  And that I'm short and stocky.  While these things are technically true, it's not really something a girl likes to hear, especially on a date***.  For about 12 seconds, it did make me question myself(11*).  Maybe my ass IS pointy?  Maybe the short and stocky thing is a bit much, maybe I should to go Thailand and get my legs broken and stretched so I can be 1.5cm taller.  Maybe I need to stop eating, and get an ass implant so I have a big juicy JLo ass?  

Then (thankfully, I really don't have money for all this plastic surgery), I remembered that I'm actually pretty happy with my body.  Sure, it's not perfect, but it is functional, and while there are some things that I'm slowly changing (mostly by running - not intentionally), I am proud of my battle scars and muscles - even if they do make my ass pointy!  

All I can say is that this guy is very very lucky that I'm not like a lot of girls I've met, who would positively self destruct upon hearing this sort of criticism.  We girls, generally as a species(12*), don't take criticism well, and we do it even less well when it's about our physical selves.  Maybe boys shouldn't comment on our bodies?  I sort of think that's silly - our bodies are a pretty big part of us (you know, like ALL of us), and we should be able to be honest about it, especially with our partners**.

I know it's scary to open yourself up to criticism.  I do, I get that.  Even though I'm pretty happy with myself (lol at my ego!), I do know that feeling you get when you ask someone a question like 'does my ass look gigantic in this?' or 'does this bra make my boobs look old-lady-ish?' and expect them to be honest.  It's terrifying.  But it is good for us.  We should know our 'faults' (although, to be clear, I actually LOVE my ass, and I would give it at the very least a 7.5/10!) - but we should take them with a grain of salt.

Knowing the guy who told me this, and knowing his 'perfect girl-ass', I know that my pathetic, wide hips would never be able to seriously compete.  And you know what, I'm okay with that.  He obviously sees something else in me that he likes, what to take me on such a romantic* date***, so who cares if my ass is only a 6/10.  A fucking six.

To the dude:

In the interests of fairness (and maybe to invoke a teeny bit of fear into you), I've decided to share some thoughts about your body with you.  And the internet.  Yes, on my blog.  That's what you get for giving me a 6/10, interrupting robot.  Luckily for you (sorry, internet), my mummy told me (she tells me lots of things, and I'm sure she'd be super proud of me for this) that if I didn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all.  I'm not good about not saying anything at all, so all I'll say is you have a nice ass.  8/10 (13*).

* no romance was involved

** we're not a couple

*** I'm pretty sure it wasn't a date

4* we actually only did one first, and I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear about that

5* well, okay, no play, but more, a movie.  It was an Oscar winning movie, if that makes it slightly more classy?

6* we didn't so much go for a stroll, but to be fair, he did get out of the car when we were within approximately 100m from the ocean, but admittedly for less than 5 seconds

7* burger king, but we were the only people there

8* this might be a total figment of my imagination

9* this is a blatant lie, I can't actually believe you guys are still reading this crap!

10* lol, who does that?

11* at this point, I'm just trying to make the guy feel bad.  I hope he knows that I'm actually only joking.  Maybe he would if he wasn't such an interrupting robot...

12* I do know that girls and boys are the same species, but it works better than gender here

13* I hope I get brownie points for this (14*)

14* it is actually true.

My Kind Samaritan

Today I got bad news piled on bad news, then more bad news.  I could feel myself sliding into a depression; one that I've been working my ass off to stay out of for the last few months.  Once you've been diagnosed with a 'mental disorder' (in my case, bipolar and schizophrenia - is anyone surprised, even for a second?) you have a few options: do nothing, and get trapped in it's vicious cycle, some sort of counselling, with or without drugs, or learn to read your moods and deal with them.  Clearly, the first and last options aren't widely promoted, and they can be very dangerous. 

I chose the last option.  I don't really trust psychiatrists or physiologists; my cousin, who was my idol and my best friend committed suicide after being taken off her drugs prematurely.  It was horrible to watch her slip deeper and deeper, and eventually never resurface.  And the aftermath literally tore apart my family.  The times I have been to psychiatrists, they've wanted to drug me on everything from prozac to lithium.  I can't do that; I can't live in that foggy mess.  I'd rather feel everything and hurt, than feel nothing at all.  And I don't like talking about my 'problems' to people I don't know.  It doesn't help - it helps a lot more when I bring things up in my own time, and I can deal with it when I want to, rather than in a 90 minute session once a week on a Thursday at 4.15pm.

I'm not really one for ignoring things, so I have made it my goal to live happily with these 'disorders' (funny, because they actually have made me very orderly and organised!).  How it works basically is I had to learn my triggers.  I had to know what it feels like to slip into that black hole, and to pull myself back out.  I had to learn what the highs felt like, and learn to ride them out without doing anything reckless or dangerous.  The schizophrenia has been the hardest to deal with; it happens almost randomly; I don't need to be in a certain mood, and I know when it happens that no matter what, I have to get around people as soon as I can; it's the only thing that can 'save' me.  

To people who have depression or bipolar or whatever, don't think that just because this works for me, it will work for you.  It's not for everyone, and I'd even argue that for most people, it isn't safe.  For me though, it's my only option, and I have no choice but to make it work.

Anyway, tonight when I felt myself teetering on the edge, I knew I had to do something.  Usually, I have two options; I can ride out the low, and remind myself every 5 minutes that I will survive, or I can pull myself out.  It's sort of like ripping off a bandaid, only harder, and more painful.  The issue with riding it out is sometimes it can take weeks, and with my workload at university, I really can't deal with that right now.  Tonight, I went for a run.  I know that exercising to the point of mental exhaustion will fix it.  I put on loud dance music, and ran up the highest, steepest hill in my area.  Eventally, I ended up down by the water.

I sat here for about 10 minutes, and cried.  They were tears of anger, fear, frustration, and exhaustion.  After a while, a man walked from around the corner (I was on the other side of a train bridge, hidden from the road and cars and people), and simply sat down beside me.  He put his arm around me and said 'No matter what it is, it will be okay.  You can get through this.'  We sat like this for maybe another 5 minutes, then I started to feel all of the pain and anger and desperation was much more manageable.  It's not gone, but I can get through it.  I thanked him, and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and told me to 'run safely'.  

This man, who I have never seen before and will probably never see again, saved me tonight.  I'm not going to be all dramatic and say I would have committed suicide, because that's a blatant lie; I wouldn't.  But he did save me from sinking into a pit of nothing; he literally pulled me from hell.  How can you ever thank a stranger who does something like that?  I guess the answer is, pay it forward.  There's probably nothing I will ever to do repay him, but I can repay my debt to the world by helping others.  

Remember, sometimes, little words that you say to strangers might mean the most to them.  The fact is, someone I don't know just told me they believe in me, and today, that has literally changed my life.  Be kind to others, love your neighbour, smile to people in the street you don't know.  You never know who you might be helping, or what's behind their smile.

Friends with benefits and fuck buddies

Everyone knows what friends with benefits are, and what fuck buddies are.  Well, actually, maybe they don't know the difference.  Here's the difference as I see it - probably different to other peoples, but who cares: friends with benefits are friends above and beyond their fucking.  They are usually friends first, and fuck second.  Fuck buddies often only get together to fuck; they (in my very limited experience) tend to meet and get together on the premise that they will be fuck buddies and no more.  Basically, one is purely sex, the other is a friendship also.

Which works better?  Well, I suppose that depends on exactly what you're wanting.  From what I've seen an experienced, people find it very very hard to have no strings sex, especially more than once.  Maybe a one off fling is okay, but after you've done it a few times, some sort of emotional connection HAS to form - that's totally normal.  Whether you like to admit it or not, sex IS an intimate act, and while I do know a girl who refused to kiss her fuck buddies to prevent her from forming an emotional attachment, when I tried, I found it lasted about 10 minutes flat.  Maybe that's just my lack of willpower talking. 

People tend to think that girls are the ones who can't have sex without emotional attachment, but I think it really depends on the individual.  I usually am very good at controlling my emotions and compartmentilzing in my head, yet I know lots of boys who just can't do that at all.  A perfect example is a guy we'll call George.  He and ... Molly went out on one date once.  Three years ago.  Molly and George didn't even kiss, let alone do anything else.  Yet, George had decided, in that 2 hour date, that Molly was his soulmate, and he and she were going to get married and make beautiful babies together, then die old by the fire, hand in hand.  Molly liked George as a friend, but she didn't feel any emotional attachment.  She gently told George this, and he seemed to accept it.

So that should be the end of the story right? Betcha wondering why I told you?  Well, it wasn't over for George.  He kept asking Molly out for drinks and dinners and movies, and even started befriending some of her friends so he could start hanging out with the 'group'.  They didn't even kiss.  Okay, so it's not only boys who do this sort of craziness, girls do it too.  But seriously, it's not okay from ANYONE! 

Anyway, where was I?  Right, so basically, fuck buddies will work totally fine, as long as you don't try to impose any sort of restrictions on them or their freedom of association with others.  Yes, that does mean that you both have to be free to sleep with others, which of course means using protection every time.  You also have to only see them when you're having sex.  I'm in two minds about going out for ice cream afterwards, but I tend to think that the only way it can work is a 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am'.  Going to dinner and movies or go-karting isn't okay, and neither is anything else that's not strictly sex.  And yes, that means no texting, no IMing, no emailing, no late night drunken phone calls. 

Friends with benefits are a bit different though.  These are people you've probably done the dinner, movie, go-karting and aquarium thing with already.  But when you start fucking, things can be a bit complicated.  I don't think you can really go back to just being friends once you've been fucking, especially if it was awesome sex.  In fact, maybe even less if it was bad sex!  I do think that FWB is one of thos sort of one way door things, which is a bit of a double standard given that I fully believe that people who have been dating can be friends after they break up.

The issue is where the line is drawn with FWB.  How do you introduce each other? Clearly, they're not your boyfriend/girlfriend, but does 'friend' really encompass it?  I tend to think that your relationship is your business, and you shouldn't have to define it for anyone but yourselves.  The other issue I have is whether you allow each to see other people.  I think this is where the tricky stuff comes in.  From a safety perspective, it makes absolute sense to be exclusive as there is less STI risk, but from an emotional level, it's a minefield.  As soon as you're exclusive, you can start getting a little bit possessive and even jealous, without even intending on it.  And if you're exclusive, and you hang out as friends independently to the fucking part, then what's the difference between being FWB and being in a relationship?  I blogged about it here a couple of months back, and since then, I've thought about it lots.

I think that a relationship is whatever you want it to be.  If you want to call yourselves friends, or say you're going out or that you're married when you're really not (as long as you're not doing it for fraudulent purposes), then how it that anyone's business but your own?  It doesn't actually matter what you name it, it is whatever it is to you and your partner.  People (including me, at times) are way too caught up in fitting into the boxes than they are about being happy, which is all that matters in the long run.

There's always the option that you can take things day by day and see how they go.  The best relationships, regardless of whether they are founded on romantic love or sex only, are good because they have good, solid communication.  It's something you and your partner should be honest about.  And it's something that you can always try out and change later - but the key thing, like anything in a relationship, is to keep talking.

PDA is not okay

Okay, so the title to this is a bit misleading.  PDA is cool - totally fine - in some situations, and as long as it isn't a constant thing.  Getting a kiss in public, or seeing people hold hands, or even a quick ass pat or boob grope isn't a problem in the right situation. 

What's the right situation?  Well, I don't have a problem with children seeing two adults touching or kissing in public.  Course, there are limits to that - a full on blow job in public is never going to be okay around children, and blatant dry humping against a fence isn't okay either.  But I don't think it's bad for children to see a couple kissing or holding hands - kids should know that adults are people too, and it's great that they see good, quality relationships among real adults.   

Lots of people are totally against PDA.  Once I turned about 16, I started hating it too -  it seemed petty and gross to me, and I hated imagining what people were doing in private if they were doing that in public.  Maybe that's just me at 16, sex on the brain, but I think that's quite common among that age.  Don't get me wrong, I still did it, I just hated watching other people doing it.  As I've gotten older (and with my birthday coming up very soon - 4 sleeps! - I seriously feel ancient right now), I've sort of changed my mind about it.  There's something cute about seeing the little old lady and her husband of 40 years with hairy ears sitting on a park bench kissing, and seeing a couple pushing a pram together  holding hands almost makes me think that my life wouldn't be totally over if I were to procreate.

So what's my issue with PDA then if I actively engage in it and seeing other people do it makes me mooshy inside?  Well, some people just take it too far.  Take this couple, for example:

On first glance it's super cute.  Awww, look, the guy is totally into her, he's pulling her close and being all romantic and stuff.  Then we look a little bit closer.  Yes, that it a boob grab at the same time.  Well, that's cool.  Maybe they're in their own backyard, or somewhere private?  Nope, they're at Wellington Zoo, on a Saturday.  You know, with all the kids around.  

Okay, so that's not so bad.  Maybe no one's watching (except the super creepy photographer, of course) and maybe he just copped a quick feel.   Maybe it's their anniversary, or something.  Maybe.  Well, you know, it's not.  This is actually about hour number 3 at the zoo.  Hour number 3 of making everyone slightly uncomfortable with their gross touching and kissing and fondling (and I don't use that word lightly, believe me!).  Okay, maybe it wasn't quite as bad as you're imagining, but it was pretty terrible.  In her own words, girly in this picture actually said at some point during the day "I'm surprised we haven't been kicked out yet"*

So when is PDA okay?  When it's infrequent, used sparingly, and not disgustingly disturbuing for everyone within a 50m radius.  It's okay if you're doing it for you, and not for the purposes of making everyone uncomfortable (still not convinced they didn't do it just to make us all cringe, which was remarkably successful if that was the case).  The general rule of thumb is, if you saw your parents doing what you're doing in public, would it make you vom in your mouth?  If the answer is yes, for love of god (yes, with a baby g, because we know he's made up), STOP.

* It is possible she was talking about me at this point, but we'll pretend otherwise as there are no incrimiating photos of me on the internet right now!

Mean Girls

Girls are total bitches.  There's a reason I have more guy friends that girls - because girls are backstabbing, horrible bitchy bitchy things.  That's not to say all girls are - obviously, I don't think I am, but I guess when put in the right situation, all girls can be.  

We've all (male and female) had experiences with bitchy girls doing things just for the purpose of upsetting other people.  It seems like it's stupid and petty; and you know, it is.  I don't understand why girls do it.  I guess it's some sort of leg up over girls.  

It seems to be a manipulation tactic that women - but I don't know why.  Surely, girls know what other girls are doing.  I can pick it from a mile away.  And boys see right through it too - most of them who are 'falling' for girls' manipulation techniques are going into it knowingly, it's not like anyone's tricking them.

So what's the deal?  I know a girl (let's call her Emma, because that's her name), who seduced her friend's (for the purposes of this story, Lauren) boyfriend (we'll call him Charlie).  It turns out that Charlie was also involved with another girl, Lana, AND Ria.  

Firstly, how can one guy have that much time??  And second, how the hell could Emma go out with say, Lauren and Charlie, knowing that she's trying to seduce him behind Lauren's back?  How do you have the balls to do that as a friend?  How do you have the balls to tell the friend that she should break up with her boyfriend because he's a cheater - when you're the one who made him cheat in the first place?

Sure, it's really easy to say that if guys didn't want to cheat, they wouldn't allow themselves to be seduced.  And maybe that's true.  But is it really a fair test when you're literally shoving your tongue down a guy's throat?  I'd argue that it probably isn't.  I don't think there are many people who would be able to resist an insistent person coming on to them.  

Is it cheating if they fall for it and become involved?  Sure.  Is it their fault?  Maybe in part, and it wouldn't make me any less upset about it, but really, the blame should lie with the person doing the seducing, because but for their actions, the cheating wouldn't have occurred.

I don't understand why girls would try to prove themselves right by getting a guy to cheat.  I don't see what point it's proving.  And I don't see how that makes the guy the bad person - surely, if you know that two people are together in whatever capacity, then your attempted seduction is much worse that his infidelity, especially if you claim to be friends with the girl involved.  So girls, have you ever knowingly tried to get a guy to cheat? Have you ever had this happen to you, or am I the only one.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Live every day as if it is your last, because one day, you will be right.

How do you deal with grief?  Well, there's not a textbook that will tell you.  No one can tell you how to deal with it, or how you might deal with it when it comes up.  

I've experienced a lot of death and loss, and I can tell you, each time, it's different.  You have a different relationship with people, your last memory of them is different, and you will be around different people at the time.  I wish it was predictable; I wish that every time someone close to be died, I would know exactly how I would feel and when I would start feeling better.  

For me, the worst part of it is feeling like I have to feel a certain way.  Sometimes, I want to talk about it.  Sometimes, I just really wish everyone would stop talking and leave me alone.  Sometimes, I want to think about it, sometimes, I just want to pretend it didn't happen.  All of these responses are totally normal, and they're okay - but lots of people don't understand that.  They think that their way of grieving is the right way - whatever that is.

I think the thing about death is that one day, you wake up and it just doesn't feel so bad.  It doesn't feel good, but it also doesn't feel like it's so hard to breathe.  Some days, you go backwards.  Some days, you almost forget that the person isn't there anymore.  Somedays, it's hell.  But little by little, it does get better.  It's hard to think of when you're in the midst of it, but one day, it won't feel so bad.

It's harder to deal with if the death was unexpected or shocking.  If you know someone is slowly dying (like they have a disease or illness, or they're old), then you can sort of resign yourself to the fact that one day, they won't be there anymore.  If you didn't know, like it was a baby who died, or if the person died very suddenly, it's horrible.

There have been some days when I really didn't think I would recover.  There have been some people that I have lost who were literally a part of me, and they didn't ever get a chance.  How can you get over a death like that?  I guess the answer is, you don't.  It will get easier, but it will never be okay.

The more I have experienced death, the more I realised that it makes me stronger.  It's still never a nice thing to experience, but honestly, it does get better.

Relationships 101

We've all heard that saying 'you can't love another until you love yourself', right?  I totally agree with the saying - how can you give to someone else when you can't even give to yourself?  It's for this reason that I don't understand why girls (or boys, for that matter), get involved with people when they're not mentally stable.  I know a woman who is completely mentally unstable, thinks of suicide, yet she has recently (within the last year or so) gotten herself involved with a man.  She doesn't seem to see an issue with this at all - I guess she figures that if he fell for her in the first place, he'll probably put up with her crazy.

I do not understand this attitude at all.  Sure, in a relationship you are going to go though good times and bad times, but you do have to be self sufficient to the point that you can carry out a relationship without all your bullshit baggage getting in the way.  

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of baggage.  Probably more than most.  I do my best to keep it under control and out of my relationships.  It's something that I need to deal with in my own time, and it's not fair to ask someone else to deal with it for me.  

I don't think you have to be 100% 'okay' to be in a relationship, whatever 'okay' is.  I just think you need to be mentally healthy enough to be able to look after yourself first, then you can start giving your heart away.

Happy Valentines Day, suckers.

I alluded yesterday to the fact that I would be doing a Valentines Day post to let you know why I don't like Valentines Day.

Basically, I think Valentines Day is used as an excuse for couples to get rid of all romance out of their relationship and limiting it all to one day so they can get away with not being romantic any other day.  Presents are over priced, and they take no thought - how hard is is to pay $70 for a bouquet of red roses?

That's not to say that I don't like love and romance - of course romance is awesome.  But it's so much more romantic if it's by choice, rather than because every one else does it.

I don't have a problem with people buying into the idea, and if you want to celebrate, by all means, do.  But I really really truly think that the vast majority of women don't actually like all the fuss around Valentines Day - and most men HATE the pressure of having to find something that's the right mix between romantic and thoughtful and generic.  Women get peer pressured into feeling like they need to love Valentines Day, and that if they don't they must be broken or single or resentful, which is totally untrue.

Whether I've been single on Valentines Day or with a partner, I have not celebrated a Valentines day except for the one just before my 14th birthday, when I had my first boyfriend.  It's not because I'm bitter or resentful or angry or anything - I just hate the commercialism aspect of it, and I hate the pressure.

Yes, it's wonderful to feel special, it's fantastic to feel loved, and of course we like feeling like someone's thought of us.  It's pretty hard to argue that we'd feel less special being appreciated on any other day.

I saw a tweet (that I can't for the life of me find again) saying that Valentines Day is where men buy women overpriced flowers in exchange for the possibility of a mediocre blow job.  Well, blow jobs are something we should be giving every day, and so are flowers and kisses and expressions of love.

Love every day, not just because Hallmark tells you to.

In saying that, I received TWO lovely Valentines Day gifts today.  One was from Kylie, who decided that me not liking Valentines Day isn't a reason to not embarras me in Wholly Bagels - thanks hun.

The second was from a random fire fighter, who handed me a red rose this afternoon and simply said, 'Happy Valentines Day'.  It made me smile, and I was very happy.  I walked about another 10m down the road and saw a sad looking man sitting at the bus stop.  I handed him the rose, and said 'Happy Valentines Day'.  It was obviously just what he needed, he smiled, and got up and hugged me and thanked me profusely.  Pay it forward.

My Secret Weapon

Okay, I've spoken a LOT about how important communication is in relationships, but I've never really covered what you can do if your partner is similar to some of the people I've been with, who, when they are upset, they shut down and refuse to talk.  This isn't solely an issue with men, women do this too.

So the basic situation goes like this:

Person A raises an issue with person B.  Person B talks about the issue for a while, then person A says something person B doesn't like.  Person B stops talking.  Person A makes an effort to get something out of person B, and person B doesn't respond.

Yup, sound ridiculous, sounds like something that kids do - and it is!  I've never really understood why people do this.  It drives me insane!  I'm the sort of person who can't go to sleep angry, so I like to conclude all problems, or at least get them to a place where they're not weighing on my mind and we are in a good place to think about the issue and talk about it again later.

So, what can you do if you're faced with someone who shuts down?  My tactic is, I'll admit, a little bit manipulative.  It's not that I want to manipulate the other person into agreeing with my view, I just want to make them happy enough to get us both in a situation where we can actually discuss the problem.  My tactic of choice is kisses.

I find being ignored the most infuriating thing ever; I understand that you might not have anything to say, but TELL ME!  There's nothing wrong with saying 'I hear what you're saying, and right now, I don't have anything to say about that'.  If you just ignore me, it feels like you don't value me enough to say anything to me, and it's really conducive to trust and respect in a relationship.  

Sometimes it is really hard to calm yourself down after feeling like you've been ignored.  Usually, I'll walk away from the person and take a moment to deal with my own frustration.  I find the best way is to put myself in the other person's shoes; how would you feel if you had just heard this news?  Once you can empathise with what the other person is feeling, it gets much easier to move forward.  The other trick I use is to imagine the person as a helpless baby - how can you be angry with someone who shits in their pants?!

Anyway, once I'm feeling calm about the situation myself, I'll make an effort to go back to the person.  Often times, I'll find that they have come to find me.  Of course, this makes me feel a lot better about the situation; I know then that they care.

This is where my secret weapon comes in; kisses.  There are very very few people strong enough to resist kisses.  It it a really great way of taking anger out of a situation; the other person (and you too, of course) remembers that they actually like you, and remember that there was a relationship before the disagreement.  Once the anger is gone, it's much easier to talk calmly about the situation.  And sometimes, you might even get some angry make-up sex on the side! #win (Yes, I know I used a hashtag in a blog, and I am suitably embarrassed)

I don't think that disagreements or fights break up relationships, I think lack of communication breaks up relationships.  There are very few things that can't be addressed with good communication.  It's not something that happens overnight, 

The Reality of Sex

In my quest to get blog post ideas today, @honorarykiwi suggested writing about sexual taboos.  Communication in relationships is something I'm pretty passionate about (okay, a lot passionate about) so this seemed like a pretty good idea. Her tweet was "What's acceptable to talk about sex-wise, what's not, and what's not but should be?"

Well, first of all, I don't think anything should be taboo to talk about sex-wise. Sure, there are some things we'd rather talk about than others, and some things we really wouldn't like to talk about at all, but that doesn't mean that they should be taboo, or that we shouldn't talk about them.

I guess the best way to go about this is to list some common things that people, in my experience, don't like to talk about.  These are general things, not necessarily just sex related.

• Money.  This is a HUGE one.  Sexually-transmitted debt is a big issue, and anyone getting into more than a causal relationship should know what they're getting into.  Just before I left home to move in with my boyfriend, my mum sat me down and told me that no matter how happy I was then, I needed to make sure that I kept a separate account and continued to put money into it.  She told me that her biggest regret when she got married (at 18) was to not have her own money.  She hasn't been in a situation where she has wanted to leave, but if she ever did, she wouldn't have had the means to leave.  I think it's really important that people have access to their own money.  It shouldn't be a secret - the reality is, the vast majority of relationships don't work out, so you SHOULD have a safety net.  It also is good for when you need to buy secret pressies for your other half.
• 'What if we break up' - so many people never ever discuss this.  If you're renting, what happens with the house? What if you have a pet? What about things  you bought when you were together? How will you deal with any joint debt you have acquired?  Talking about it before anything happens is much easier than having to deal with it when you're upset or angry.
• Sex - this is a pretty general category, but I'm amazed at the people who don't/won't discuss their likes and dislikes.  

The original question was about sex, so I'll talk specifically about sex taboos.

Here are some things that I know now, but was never told:

• Sex is messy.  Really, really messy.  Even if you use condoms, you will make a mess - his penis is literally encased in cum. Gross. If you ride bareback, trust me when I say that there's not a graceful way of dismounting without dripping somewhere.  It's disgusting, but it's true, and you should know.  It's NEVER like the movies, you know, they finish and just roll off each other and cuddle?  Nope, not in real life.  Towels are great if you don't want to make whatever you're having sex on dirty.  
• Once you get cum on a towel, it's never the same again. You should have 'cum towels'.  Cum towels are not like the sock teenaged boys use, they should be washed regularly (ie every single use).  Crusty cum is disgusting.
• Sex in the shower or pool or ocean is not as awesome as it looks in the movies.  Girl's natural lube is water based, so when it gets wet, it no longer acts as lubricant. You really seen silicone based lube for water sex. It's still condom safe, but it's a PITA to wash off.  Aside from that, boy cum goes gross and lumpy in water, and it's gross to wash off.  Shower sex is definitely not my fav.
• Pussy farts. Lol.  Now we've got the laughing out of the way, they're a serious thing.  They tend to happen when you're doing doggy then lay down again, and it's just because when he thrusts, air gets pushed inside the girl.  There's not really a nice way you can get rid of them, so it's sort of best to just get it over with and laugh about it.  
• Real farts.  Hahaha, again, very funny.  Farts happen when you're relaxed, and hopefully, when you're having sex, you should be relaxed.  They also happen for the same reason as pussy farts after anal.  There's not really anything you can do to prevent it, but it's always nice to pretend you're a little bit classy and go to the toilet to do that.
• Kissing while having sex is a real PITA.  I love kissing as much as the next person, but when you're trying to have sex, breathing is more of a priority than kissing.  Sorry, but it's true.  I'm not saying there should be NO kissing during sex, but let's not be silly about it, people.
• The after sex cuddle =/= as great as it looks on Bones.  You know how Booth and Hannah have gotten together and they always have those cute cuddles? Same with Angela and Hodgins?  Well, in real life, you're hot and out of breath and sticky, and honestly, the best thing to do is have a drink and shower.  It's nice, sure, but often not realistic.  Especially in summer.  My only cavet to this is that if you're involved in any D/s or s/m, you should know what your partner likes in terms of aftercare. Often a quick cuddle is really needed.
• Birth control and STI protection - it's not actually okay to discuss this during the act.  It's not okay for the guy to assume that the girl is on the pill, or for the girl to assume that the guy has a condom, or will use one.  Seriously, I have had conversations with so many people who go 'but I thought he would use a condom'.  WHAT?! It's not something you should just 'think' - you should KNOW categorically.  Most mistakes won't matter tomorrow, but fuck up with birth control or sex protection could affect your whole life.  Don't risk it.

So, how do you talk about these things with your partner, or a possible sexual partner?  Firstly, I think openness is a really important thing to start with off the bat.  If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, bring these things up now.  Especially farting, but mostly because that's funny and I'm immature.  

If you're already in a relationship, I think the best way is to say "I saw this online and thought I'd see what you thought".  Shift the blame, it's totally acceptable in situations like this.  I understand how some of these things can be awkward and embarrassing to talk about things, especially what they like when it comes to sex.  The best way I've found is to fake it till you make it.  Bluff your way through, pretend you're super confident and cool, calm and collected.  Your attitude will rub off on the other person, and they'll be less weirded out too.  Eventually, you'll find that you are actually okay discussing difficult things!

Open Relationships

I was talking with an old friend who told me that he has an open relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years.  As I said the other day, I'm really interested in how the dynamics of how open relationships work, so it was great to be able to talk through how the dynamics of their relationship work.

They've been together for 5 years, and apparently, after about 6 months, he started sleeping with girls outside of the relationship.  Apparently, they operate on a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, where she knows he sleeps with other girls, but doesn't want to know the details.  It sort of sounds like she's not very happy about the whole situation but just puts up with it because he doesn't want to loose him.  I don't really know enough about their individual situation to know that for sure, but that's how it came across to me.

Apparently, he usually sleeps with girls 2 - 3 times a week, with the same girl anywhere from once to years at a time.  He doesn't have a problem with sleeping with multiple 'extras' at a time; in fact, he told me that he once was sleeping with 6 girls over the same period in addition to his girlfriend.  Apparently everyone is happy with this arrangement.  From my perspective, as long as everyone has consented to it, he is being safe and getting STI checks regularly - condoms can't protect you against everything.

Somehow after talking to him, I don't quite feel that his girlfriend is happy with the idea.  He made it sound like she tolerated it, but wasn't actually happy about it.  While I'm all for the idea of full consent, I also think it's important that people take responsibility for their own actions or inaction.  If you're not happy with the way something is going or you're not happy with a relationship, let your feet do the talking, if real talking doesn't help.

I'm the last person to judge situations like this, and of course, I've only heard part of the story.  I think it's quite possible that they are both happy with their relationship.  He is obviously into her enough to want to be with her, and she clearly has a lot of trust in him to feel comfortable with him sleeping with other women.

I don't think I could be in an open relationship with a don't ask, dont tell policy.  I have a curiosity that borders on morbid; I have to know all the gory details.  It's probably not the best thing for my mental health, but I have a hunger for knowledge, so it's important to me that I hear all the tiny details.  I'm not a terribly jealous person, but I don't think I could stand not knowing.  Maybe I'd be happy not knowing who the girls were, although I think that could lead to staring at everyone walking down the street and wondering if they were the one.

I would absolutely have to have a rule that no sex with other people could happen in my house.  I'm quite private about my space, and I would feel like it was an intrusion into my private space, my little sanctuary.  To be totally honest, I'd rather not even have sex in my space, it would be good to have a sleeping bed and a sex bed.  I think it's good to keep those two things separate, although I'm not sure if or how that would work in reality.

So what about you? Could you handle an open relationship? What would your rules be?

Love

I was reading 'The Ethical Slut', and one bit jumped out at me.  It said 'Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that our capacities for romantic love, intimacy, and connection is finite, that there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking away some from another.'  According to the authors, this leads to people becoming 'very possessive about people, things, and ideas that matter to them. They see the whole world in a limited light, so that anything they get comes from a small pool of not-enough and thus must be taken from someone else...'


I know in my household growing up, this mindset was something my parents wanted me to avoid having.  Both of my parents worked, and they were very devoted parents to myself and my brother.  Family was, and is, extremely important to me.  Holidays, weekends and evenings were spent with people, and I was taught that anything you have, including love, is useless if you fail to share it.

Both of my parents have always been involved in a lot of volunteer work where the focus is on imparting their skills on others.  As a result of this, I have become involved in similar things to what my parents do, and volunteer for things in my own right.  I tend to spend about 15 hours a week volunteering my time; I say this not to boast, but instead to illustrate how important this is to me.  I don't begrudge any time I spend volunteering (well, I try very hard not to, but there are sometimes people who test my patience!).  I have always been taught that volunteering is a way to make myself better, and to give back - the love that I share with people isn't something that's going to run out because I do it too much.

My first boyfriend's parents did not have a good relationship.  They used to fight all the time, and one day while I was sitting with the mother, she burst into tears and said 'I only have so much love to go around, and I love my kids to death, my business is my baby, I love my husband, and that means I don't have enough love left for me.  If I don't love me, who will?'  This has stuck in my mind for nearly 10 years.  At the time, I just felt uncomfortable and sad, and I remember that being the moment where I first started seriously thinking that kids might not be such a good idea for me.  Sure, it took a long time after that to really feel confident in the fact that if I don't have kids, I'm less of a woman, but it was at that moment that the idea seemed realistic.

I always understood, maybe inherently or from the way I was brought up - maybe both - that until you love yourself, you can't love someone else.  Love, in my mind, is sort of like a plant.  If you nurture it and feed it and water it and look after it, it will grow and multiply for you.  If you neglect it, it will get smaller and smaller, and eventually, you'll end up like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons.

I don't think there's ever a question of not having enough love.  You can always love more. There is no 100% of love, with 10% allocated here, and 20% here.  Love it something you can aways give more of, and you can always find more to give.  Love isn't something you should ration.

In saying that, love isn't something you can give if you're not prepared to get hurt.  Sometimes, from the greatest risks, come the greatest rewards.  Yes, you do risk rejection and heartache and pain, but it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

T S Eliot said 'Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.'  Live like this. Live with no regrets.  Love totally and without reservation, always.

The Ethical Slut

I've been wanting to read a book called "The Ethical Slut" for a while now.  Finally, on Thursday, I took myself off to the Wellington Public Library to borrow it.  The Ethical Slut is described as 'a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures'.

I've been interested in the idea of open relationships for a while, and I've never really brought into the whole idea of monogamy despite being involved primarily in monogamous relationships.  I don't believe in love at first sight and I don't believe in soul mates.  I think relationships are something that require commitment and hard work; if you're willing to put that hard work into more than one relationship, what's the issue?

Of course, in the real world, it's not that simple.  People are jealous and vindictive and spiteful, so often, things don't go to plan.  Did I mention that people are jealous?  This jealously isn't necessarily a bad thing, like people tend to think of.  Jealousy can stem from other reasons, like love, instead of simply being a 'I don't want to share my toys' sort of thing.

I can see that open relationships probably wouldn't work for all people, but how would you know if you don't try?  Clearly, it's not something readily accepted by society in general.  In fact, most people I've spoken with it openly dislike the idea.  It seems, in my experience, that girls are much more open to the idea than boys.  I wonder if it's because girls are better at multi-tasking, or if it's just because boys don't like to share?

I'm very interested in reading this book, and I'll be keen to see if or how my attitude changes after reading it.

Choices

The other day, I had an interesting conversation on twitter with @nessliddell and @meliharris about the blog I wrote about respect. We discussed how sometimes, it's really hard to separate a person from their actions, and how if you don't separate the two things, it makes it really hard to respect the person.

I think it's really important to respect people.  It's one of those fundamental things that every human deserves.  However, I do not have to like or respect the actions that a person does.  I can respect a rapist while condemning his actions.   I see this similarly to how you should raise children - you can love the child, but not love their actions (like this tweeter whose darling cut off their fringe last night!).  Now, I'm not a parent, nor do I want to be,  but I think the deal with kids is that you're supposed to say 'I love you but I don't like what you've done'.

This same theory holds true for adults - I can respect and even love you as a person, but not like the choices you have made.  We don't have to like all of the choices someone makes.  It's natural to disagree with people.  The thing that makes choices important is that everyone, always, has a choice.  Sometimes, we don't have good choices.  Sometimes, we can be stuck between a rock and a hard place, and we have to just choose the best of two evils.  But most of the time, we have the ability to choose between the good road and the bad road. There's a saying 'Even if you choose not to decide, you have still made a choice.' It is such a true statement.  People who drink drive and kill someone had a choice - they could choose to drink or not.  There was a moment when they were drinking that they could choose to keep drinking and get really drunk, or stop.  They could choose to drive and risk killing someone, or they could choose an alternative mode of transport.  It's not good enough that we say 'oh, but they were drunk, they didn't know what they were doing'.  They weren't always drunk.  There was a point where they made a choice, or in this case, a series of choices that led to the outcome of drink driving.

It's for this reason that I don't think it's okay that people blame their bad choices on their childhood.  There are people who have had horrible, horrible childhoods.  There are some things that, not matter how hard you try, will haunt you forever.  Some things happen to people that are the things of nightmares.  But at some point, they still made a choice.

Take the example of a mother.  As a child, she was terribly abused by her own mother.  She was hit, and kicked and slapped and yelled at, and she grew up hating herself.  There is no way, in 2011, that you can tell me that she thinks that that sort of behaviour is acceptable.  Maybe 50 years ago, but not now.  Maybe at the time when she was growing up, she thought that it was normal because that was her reality, but she also experienced first hand how horrible that made her feel and probably hated every minute of it.

So what's her excuse for abusing her own child?  She knows how it made her feel, and she knows that the abuse causes her own daughter to feel like she did.  It's not good enough to say that abuse is all she knows.  It's very very rare (possibly impossible) to find a person who was abused by every single other person that he or she came into contact with, all the time.  The mother in our example knows that not all people do this, and she knows that's it's not okay.  So why does she make the choice to do it to her own child?

Your bad childhood was not an excuse.  Sure, it might explain some things about you, but at the end of the day, each time you raised your hand to your crying child, you could make the choice to walk away.  Take responsibility for what you do.  It's not good enough to blame your past, or some abuse that you've suffered or some other excuse.

The good news is that most choices won't affect you tomorrow.  Most of the time, you will not be defined by one of the thousands of choices you have to make a day.  But there are some things that may - like the choice to drive drunk or to raise your hand to another person.  My rule about choices is to think first 'will this matter tomorrow'.  If  no, I can go ahead and make my choice.  If the choice is yes, I need to think more about it.  It isn't something that takes hours.  It's a split second process, and one day, it may save your life. Even if you choose not to decide, you have still made a choice.

Burn them!

Today, this story was all over the media.  A lesbian couple who live just north of Warkworth, in Mangawhai Heads had their property graffiti-ed on, and a shed burned down.  Understandably, they are hurt and scared and angry that people in their community could do something like this.

I hate graffiti.  I think it shows a complete disrespect for a society and the people who live there.  Porirua used to have huge problems with graffiti.  Maybe it still does, but I spend much less time here so don't notice so much anymore.  There is a group here who go around painting over graffiti.  The idea is that graffiti breeds more graffiti, so if you get rid of it straight away, it can help to prevent more from happening.

Anyway, the graffiti in this case was totally thoughtful stuff like 'dirty dyke'.  Firstly - who still says that?? And second, what the hell sort of society do these people think we live in? Just because you don't agree with someone else's opinions/sexual preferences or whatever doesn't mean it's okay to abuse them.  Why can't people get this through their heads??

You might not be a lesbian, you might think it's disgusting.  You might not think that lesbians should even be allowed outside in public.  That's fine, it's your opinion, and, retarded as it is, you're entitled to it.  But you need to understand that these women (or other women or men) are not doing anything illegal.  They're not (presumably) having sex in public or luring your children into their 'sordid' world.  They're just having a relationship, just like everyone else, and they're allowed to do that.

You don't have to like everything, or accept everything or have an opinion of anything at all, but you do have to respect that other people have the right to disagree with you.  They have the right to do things you don't agree with and to live their own lives.  Stop shitting on other people because they don't think like you.

How far does consent go?

I know we've covered safe, sane and consensual, but I saw this today on fetlife and had to say something.

I am married to my sub/slave bev. I enjoy humiliating her to the point of tears.

I have written on her, spit and pissed on her but I am looking for something a little more extreme.

I was thinking about taking her out in public, in the middle of winter wearing only post-it notes. Force her to walk a crowded city block and I will pick her up when she is done.

The post-it notes would cover her privates and nipples and be attached to other parts of her body. Saying that she is a fat ass. That she is a dumb fucking whore. That she has rolls and cellulite. One by her mouth saying to piss in it.

Maybe have a "tailed" butt plug shoved into deep into her ass for her walk.

As long as her privates are covered I don't believe we are in violation of any laws.
I think this sounds hot and I would love to watch her reaction before, during and after.

Any suggestions to make this better? If this is not your thing please don't criticize.

Okay class, hands up who can tell me what's wrong with this picture?

Let's ignore the fact that this guy obviously wants to humiliate his sub - there's nothing wrong with that as long as she consents, even if it's not something you're into. Let's ignore the name calling - it might be unpalatable to you (and me, if I'm going honest - seriously, take note - calling me dumb and fat will not get you anywhere with me!), but it is obviously something that they like, and that's okay.

SSC stands for 'safe, sane and consensual'. The scenario above probably isn't going to be unsafe, especially as this person is pretty sure they aren't breaking any laws. I'd beg to differ, but if he believes they're not, that's on him. Sane - without putting our own views in there, I'm sure that he can argue that it's sane. He likes it, we can assume she likes it, or at least has consented to it by being his slave.

The issue here lies with the consensual part. He's clearly consenting, and we assume her consent through her slave status. But what about all of the people in public, who will see this near naked woman covered in insults walking down the street? Unless everyone was 100% aware that this was going to happen and had the choice to go somewhere else or avoid it, they're not consenting. In a public street, there are likely to be children who are underagedand therefore unable to consent.

The other thing is there is a general rule that you won't impose your kink onto any people who have not consented. This is, I think, especially important with 'vanilla' people - like the un-expecting people doing their shopping at lunch time. Most of us probably wouldn't want to see two people having sex in public, or a husband hitting a wife, or someone defecating in public, so why would it be okay to assume that other people want to witness something that usually happens 'behind closed doors'? And before I get jumped on for the domestic abuse thing; I'm not for a second implying that it's okay if it happens in private, that's ridiculous.

The only caveat I have to this rule about not imposing kink on others is the fact that I don't think sex should be some secret, private thing that we should feel ashamed about. If we keep sex, kinky or otherwise, a secret, then we are perpetuating this shame. That's an issue for me, because sex really shouldn't be so scary and embarrassing. In saying that, I still don't think sex should be imposed on unwilling participants; at the end of the day, consent is the trump card.

Safe, sane, consensual

Someone asked me today why I'm a sub. They mean, of course, why, in a dom/sub sexual relationship, I am the submissive one. She said that I'm so forceful and confident in my normal life that she can't imagine me being submissive in the bedroom. It's got me thinking. Why am I a sub? What does that mean?

I've known I was submissive, sexually, for a long time. As long as I can remember, really. All of today, I've been wondering why. Maybe something in my past triggered it; maybe I've had a bad experience being sexually dominant, maybe it's a control issue and choosing to feel out of control is actually being in control. Then I sort of thought, well, who cares why? Does it make a difference to be if the cause of my submission is this or that? Does it make a difference to my partner? Will it make me change what I'm doing? The answer is, no, of course not. So why does it matter? It doesn't.

I spent the afternoon (while procrastinating doing something actually important) doing a BDSM checklist, where you can check off all the things you've done, are into or would like to try, and you can rate how into them, or not into them you are. It was a really interesting exercise; it got me thinking about things that I've done or haven't, and things that I might want to try in the future.

I used to wonder if people would think I'm strange or kinky or odd for being submissive. I now know that; a) I don't care, and b) some of the things I'm into might be more cause for thinking I'm kinky than simply being submissive. I also know that unless I choose to discuss and share it, it's no one's business but my own, and, what's more, most people are a hell of a lot more embarrassed about the idea than I am!

It's so strange to me that sex is still such a taboo. I mean, come on, it's 2011. Why are we so embarrassed by it and why is it so private? I can totally respect and understand people not wanting to share their particular preferences with the world, although, personally, I could care less. What I don't understand thought, is this weird, unwritten agreement we have with each other, where we just sort of pretend that no one has sex, and call it a day. I don't have kids, but I think this is a really really weird way to bring up children. Sex was much more open in my family; I knew that people have sex, and we spoke as a family about the pressures of sex and consequences of it. Maybe some people will blame my 'devient' sexual preferences on this openness, however, I tend to think that I have a pretty healthy attitude towards sex, and I'm glad that I had the upbringing I did.

I really think some people are way too prudish about sex. Here's a shock to you. Maybe you want to sit down for this. Kids know adults have sex. And until they grow up a bit and catch your shame, they view it as a natural thing. Why are we ashamed by our bodies, and by what we like and who we love or like enough to share that with? Why are we teaching shame to our children?