Everyone knows what friends with benefits are, and what fuck buddies are. Well, actually, maybe they don't know the difference. Here's the difference as I see it - probably different to other peoples, but who cares: friends with benefits are friends above and beyond their fucking. They are usually friends first, and fuck second. Fuck buddies often only get together to fuck; they (in my very limited experience) tend to meet and get together on the premise that they will be fuck buddies and no more. Basically, one is purely sex, the other is a friendship also.
Which works better? Well, I suppose that depends on exactly what you're wanting. From what I've seen an experienced, people find it very very hard to have no strings sex, especially more than once. Maybe a one off fling is okay, but after you've done it a few times, some sort of emotional connection HAS to form - that's totally normal. Whether you like to admit it or not, sex IS an intimate act, and while I do know a girl who refused to kiss her fuck buddies to prevent her from forming an emotional attachment, when I tried, I found it lasted about 10 minutes flat. Maybe that's just my lack of willpower talking.
People tend to think that girls are the ones who can't have sex without emotional attachment, but I think it really depends on the individual. I usually am very good at controlling my emotions and compartmentilzing in my head, yet I know lots of boys who just can't do that at all. A perfect example is a guy we'll call George. He and ... Molly went out on one date once. Three years ago. Molly and George didn't even kiss, let alone do anything else. Yet, George had decided, in that 2 hour date, that Molly was his soulmate, and he and she were going to get married and make beautiful babies together, then die old by the fire, hand in hand. Molly liked George as a friend, but she didn't feel any emotional attachment. She gently told George this, and he seemed to accept it.
So that should be the end of the story right? Betcha wondering why I told you? Well, it wasn't over for George. He kept asking Molly out for drinks and dinners and movies, and even started befriending some of her friends so he could start hanging out with the 'group'. They didn't even kiss. Okay, so it's not only boys who do this sort of craziness, girls do it too. But seriously, it's not okay from ANYONE!
Anyway, where was I? Right, so basically, fuck buddies will work totally fine, as long as you don't try to impose any sort of restrictions on them or their freedom of association with others. Yes, that does mean that you both have to be free to sleep with others, which of course means using protection every time. You also have to only see them when you're having sex. I'm in two minds about going out for ice cream afterwards, but I tend to think that the only way it can work is a 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am'. Going to dinner and movies or go-karting isn't okay, and neither is anything else that's not strictly sex. And yes, that means no texting, no IMing, no emailing, no late night drunken phone calls.
Friends with benefits are a bit different though. These are people you've probably done the dinner, movie, go-karting and aquarium thing with already. But when you start fucking, things can be a bit complicated. I don't think you can really go back to just being friends once you've been fucking, especially if it was awesome sex. In fact, maybe even less if it was bad sex! I do think that FWB is one of thos sort of one way door things, which is a bit of a double standard given that I fully believe that people who have been dating can be friends after they break up.
The issue is where the line is drawn with FWB. How do you introduce each other? Clearly, they're not your boyfriend/girlfriend, but does 'friend' really encompass it? I tend to think that your relationship is your business, and you shouldn't have to define it for anyone but yourselves. The other issue I have is whether you allow each to see other people. I think this is where the tricky stuff comes in. From a safety perspective, it makes absolute sense to be exclusive as there is less STI risk, but from an emotional level, it's a minefield. As soon as you're exclusive, you can start getting a little bit possessive and even jealous, without even intending on it. And if you're exclusive, and you hang out as friends independently to the fucking part, then what's the difference between being FWB and being in a relationship? I blogged about it here a couple of months back, and since then, I've thought about it lots.
I think that a relationship is whatever you want it to be. If you want to call yourselves friends, or say you're going out or that you're married when you're really not (as long as you're not doing it for fraudulent purposes), then how it that anyone's business but your own? It doesn't actually matter what you name it, it is whatever it is to you and your partner. People (including me, at times) are way too caught up in fitting into the boxes than they are about being happy, which is all that matters in the long run.
There's always the option that you can take things day by day and see how they go. The best relationships, regardless of whether they are founded on romantic love or sex only, are good because they have good, solid communication. It's something you and your partner should be honest about. And it's something that you can always try out and change later - but the key thing, like anything in a relationship, is to keep talking.
The issue is where the line is drawn with FWB. How do you introduce each other? Clearly, they're not your boyfriend/girlfriend, but does 'friend' really encompass it? I tend to think that your relationship is your business, and you shouldn't have to define it for anyone but yourselves. The other issue I have is whether you allow each to see other people. I think this is where the tricky stuff comes in. From a safety perspective, it makes absolute sense to be exclusive as there is less STI risk, but from an emotional level, it's a minefield. As soon as you're exclusive, you can start getting a little bit possessive and even jealous, without even intending on it. And if you're exclusive, and you hang out as friends independently to the fucking part, then what's the difference between being FWB and being in a relationship? I blogged about it here a couple of months back, and since then, I've thought about it lots.
I think that a relationship is whatever you want it to be. If you want to call yourselves friends, or say you're going out or that you're married when you're really not (as long as you're not doing it for fraudulent purposes), then how it that anyone's business but your own? It doesn't actually matter what you name it, it is whatever it is to you and your partner. People (including me, at times) are way too caught up in fitting into the boxes than they are about being happy, which is all that matters in the long run.
There's always the option that you can take things day by day and see how they go. The best relationships, regardless of whether they are founded on romantic love or sex only, are good because they have good, solid communication. It's something you and your partner should be honest about. And it's something that you can always try out and change later - but the key thing, like anything in a relationship, is to keep talking.
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