Friends with benefits and fuck buddies

Everyone knows what friends with benefits are, and what fuck buddies are.  Well, actually, maybe they don't know the difference.  Here's the difference as I see it - probably different to other peoples, but who cares: friends with benefits are friends above and beyond their fucking.  They are usually friends first, and fuck second.  Fuck buddies often only get together to fuck; they (in my very limited experience) tend to meet and get together on the premise that they will be fuck buddies and no more.  Basically, one is purely sex, the other is a friendship also.

Which works better?  Well, I suppose that depends on exactly what you're wanting.  From what I've seen an experienced, people find it very very hard to have no strings sex, especially more than once.  Maybe a one off fling is okay, but after you've done it a few times, some sort of emotional connection HAS to form - that's totally normal.  Whether you like to admit it or not, sex IS an intimate act, and while I do know a girl who refused to kiss her fuck buddies to prevent her from forming an emotional attachment, when I tried, I found it lasted about 10 minutes flat.  Maybe that's just my lack of willpower talking. 

People tend to think that girls are the ones who can't have sex without emotional attachment, but I think it really depends on the individual.  I usually am very good at controlling my emotions and compartmentilzing in my head, yet I know lots of boys who just can't do that at all.  A perfect example is a guy we'll call George.  He and ... Molly went out on one date once.  Three years ago.  Molly and George didn't even kiss, let alone do anything else.  Yet, George had decided, in that 2 hour date, that Molly was his soulmate, and he and she were going to get married and make beautiful babies together, then die old by the fire, hand in hand.  Molly liked George as a friend, but she didn't feel any emotional attachment.  She gently told George this, and he seemed to accept it.

So that should be the end of the story right? Betcha wondering why I told you?  Well, it wasn't over for George.  He kept asking Molly out for drinks and dinners and movies, and even started befriending some of her friends so he could start hanging out with the 'group'.  They didn't even kiss.  Okay, so it's not only boys who do this sort of craziness, girls do it too.  But seriously, it's not okay from ANYONE! 

Anyway, where was I?  Right, so basically, fuck buddies will work totally fine, as long as you don't try to impose any sort of restrictions on them or their freedom of association with others.  Yes, that does mean that you both have to be free to sleep with others, which of course means using protection every time.  You also have to only see them when you're having sex.  I'm in two minds about going out for ice cream afterwards, but I tend to think that the only way it can work is a 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am'.  Going to dinner and movies or go-karting isn't okay, and neither is anything else that's not strictly sex.  And yes, that means no texting, no IMing, no emailing, no late night drunken phone calls. 

Friends with benefits are a bit different though.  These are people you've probably done the dinner, movie, go-karting and aquarium thing with already.  But when you start fucking, things can be a bit complicated.  I don't think you can really go back to just being friends once you've been fucking, especially if it was awesome sex.  In fact, maybe even less if it was bad sex!  I do think that FWB is one of thos sort of one way door things, which is a bit of a double standard given that I fully believe that people who have been dating can be friends after they break up.

The issue is where the line is drawn with FWB.  How do you introduce each other? Clearly, they're not your boyfriend/girlfriend, but does 'friend' really encompass it?  I tend to think that your relationship is your business, and you shouldn't have to define it for anyone but yourselves.  The other issue I have is whether you allow each to see other people.  I think this is where the tricky stuff comes in.  From a safety perspective, it makes absolute sense to be exclusive as there is less STI risk, but from an emotional level, it's a minefield.  As soon as you're exclusive, you can start getting a little bit possessive and even jealous, without even intending on it.  And if you're exclusive, and you hang out as friends independently to the fucking part, then what's the difference between being FWB and being in a relationship?  I blogged about it here a couple of months back, and since then, I've thought about it lots.

I think that a relationship is whatever you want it to be.  If you want to call yourselves friends, or say you're going out or that you're married when you're really not (as long as you're not doing it for fraudulent purposes), then how it that anyone's business but your own?  It doesn't actually matter what you name it, it is whatever it is to you and your partner.  People (including me, at times) are way too caught up in fitting into the boxes than they are about being happy, which is all that matters in the long run.

There's always the option that you can take things day by day and see how they go.  The best relationships, regardless of whether they are founded on romantic love or sex only, are good because they have good, solid communication.  It's something you and your partner should be honest about.  And it's something that you can always try out and change later - but the key thing, like anything in a relationship, is to keep talking.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?

Valentines day is coming up.  Don't worry, I'm going to blog specifically about Valentines day, but this has been on my list for a while.  Valentines day brings up lots of stories about romance and love and sex. Well, mostly sex, let's be honest.  But anyway, I've been thinking about love, and what happens when you love someone and they don't love you back, or if you're in a relationship, and you have stronger feelings that the other person. 

First, I guess, how do you know you're in love?  

This quote by Dr Seuss gets tossed around every Valentines day: 

'You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.' 

- Dr. Seuss.

There are some others, too:

"Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me."

- Sarah Bernhardt

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach..."

- Elizabeth Browning

"I find myself speechless,

This feeling of completeness is so strong,

And I was convinced that my heart had reached it's limit,

Until you created this new place in it"

- All Because Of You (lyrics), Celine Dion

In my mind, these quotes don't represent love very well.  Love doesn't have to turn your world upside down or stop you from having the ability to do anything else.  Sure, there may be times where it feels overwhelming and amazing, but most of the time, love sort of creeps up on you and before you know it, you'd rather be with the person than without them, and you can't imagine feeling whole without them.

Love it different for everyone, and every time they fall in love, they will feel differently.  Love is exciting and scary and it makes you feel powerful.  Love isn't unconditional, but it should be without judgement or prejudice.  There's that quote; 'love is never having to say you're sorry'.  I disagree.  Love is saying you're sorry and meaning it, then doing everything you can to stop whatever it is from happening again.  Love isn't about you, love is wanting to make another person's life better, wanting to do everything you can to make that person smile.

Some people fall in love easily.  I often get caught in the trap of feeling like I'm in love when I'm really not.  I think feeling like you're in love is a way of feeling accepted, and I have some abandonment issues, so attaching myself to a person makes me feel less alone.  It's a huge issue that's I've recognised and am working on.  The best thing I've found is to be honest about what I'm feeling.  I've learned that it's actually okay to love someone and tell them I love them, and expect nothing in return.  Sure, you have the risk of rejection and the pain that goes along with it, but without admitting how you feel, how can you address it?

What if you have stronger feelings than the other party?

This is a really really common issue.  I don't think it's actually possible for two people to love each other exactly the same; everyone loves differently, and we really should work on dealing with our pre-conceived notions of 'if he loved me, he'd do this', or 'if she really loved me, she wouldn't say this'.  It's not up to you to dictate how someone else should feel, or how they should act.  You can control your own emotions and actions, but there is nothing in the world that you can do to change someone elses.  

So what can you do if you love someone more than they love you?  Well, there are always the options of  distancing yourself from them so you can fall out of love, becoming involved with someone else to transfer the issue or even trying to convince the other person to love you.  Personally, I think the best option is to just keep loving them on your terms.  That doesn't mean you have to become a creepy stalker or call them 10 times a day.  I don't think you can make yourself fall out of love, and I definitely don't think you can make someone who isn't ready (or who may never be ready) to love you.  

The best thing to do is remember, before this person, you survived.  If it doesn't work out, you'll survive. You're not going to die of a broken heart, and it will be okay.  Give yourself all the space and time you need.  Look after yourself - much like hate is emotionally draining, so is love.  Love is a good emotion, it doesn't have to be creepy, and it doesn't have to be sexual or mean that you have to get married and have babies.  

Think about what it really means.  Is loving someone who doesn't feel the same about you going to make you act any differently to if they reciprocated?  Probably not.  Talk about it (not necessarily with the person you're in love it, although it could be them if they're happy to listen).  Talking seems to make things better.

There's not really a bandaid you can put on your feelings to make them stop or to make you stop hurting, but the best way I have found for dealing with them is to genuinely feel whatever it is that you're feeling.  Do it in short doses, do it when you're exercising or when you're sitting at home alone - whatever works for you.  

So what am I saying?  Basically, we can only control our own feelings, not other peoples.  We are allowed to feel whatever we want - no one can stop us.  We need to make sure that what we're feeling, we're doing in a healthy way (as in, not obsessing).  Allow yourself to love; it can't be nearly as hard as denying yourself. 

2D1S - not two girls, one cup, though you can if you want.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how BDSM situations work where there are two D-types (dominant), and one S-type (submissive).  She asked for my take on it, so here it is.  Keep in mind, I'm not the most experienced in this particular situation, so these are just my opinions and thoughts on it.

I think the best way to deal with a situation where there are two D-types is to, of course, communicate clearly between all parties before the scene occurs.  Clear communication will help to eliminate any issues with who's running the scene and who can do what when.

As for logistics, I think the best way to go about it is to have a top dom, and a bottom dom.  Essentially, the top dom gets to run the scene, and they both get to dom the sub.  This means that they 'move on' when the top dom says they do.  Of course, for safely, any participant can call off the scene at any time - usually you'd use a safeword or something similar here.  

As with any situation where you have more than two people involved in a scene, you want to be very very clear about the scene boundaries and individual boundaries and limits.  Some doms will be happy spit-roasting and high-fiving over the sub's head, others may be totally happy getting sexually involved with each other, and others will want the whole dynamic to centre around the sub.  All of these things are totally fine - as long as everyone is aware of what's going on and everyone consents to it.

I really do think that dealing with a situation of two doms is as simple as communication.  There aren't any secrets to any relationships or BDSM relationships - communication will fix most issues.  

Another note - subs need aftercare.  It's totally different for each sub, and it depends on the particular scene.  For me, for normal sex or a 'basic' scene, I like talking and cuddles.  I don't really like being left alone at the best of times, so the best thing to help me recover quickly is feeling important/loved.  Unlike some people, I can recover with no aftercare (so if I'm left alone, I will become 'normal' without outside influence), but it does take longer.  

A scene with two doms is probably going to be pretty intense for the sub, so aftercare is something you should discuss before the scene.  Remember, doms need aftercare too, so you need to come to a happy medium about who gets what care when, and make sure that everyone gets the aftercare they need.

What's coming up, and a video.

Okay, I'm really not in a blogging mood today, and I think I just need to bite the bullet and admit that sometimes, I just don't have it in me to write anything.  

I do have lots and lots and lots of ideas, but I'm really just not feeling like I'm going to give them justice tonight.  

So, here are some up and coming blog posts:

• Two doms, 1 sub - how does it work?
• Are young women wasted on young men?
• Equality in relationships - what happens if one person loves the other more?
• NZDating and why you shouldn't go near it, even with a HAZMAT suit.
• Why I have to conquer each of my fears.
• Why pain makes you stronger, and why it's okay to admit that you're scared.
• How volunteering is actually a selfish thing, and why I do it.

Okay, this was something I left off this post about taboos; how you tell someone they're smelly.  

I sort of feel like this is a bit of a trick question.  Clearly, it depends on who you're telling.  If it's a homeless person on the street, for example, why would you even bother?  A co-worker, you're probably going to want to be subtle and polite when bringing it to their attention, and if that fails, buy them deodorant and get incense for your desk.  Room spray would help too, you can spray it when they come near.  Offer them breath mints if that's the issue, and ask them if you smell, too.  It's a bit passive aggressive, but they will get the message.

A partner is a bit of a different story.  You're probably not going to want to hurt their feelings, so you need to be a bit delicate about the situation if you don't already have good, free flowing communication.  I've never really been in a situation where I didn't have good enough communication with someone I was sleeping with that I couldn't say 'babe, you need to brush your teeth/have a shower'.  I think that if the communication wasn't in a place where I could say that, I'd probably tell a little white lie and say that I was worried about my breath/BO, and that I was implementing a new rule were we both had to brush our teeth and shower before sex.  

Sure, it takes away the spontaneity of sex, but will also get rid of the odor issue.  I think once you have good communication channels, then you can be pretty blunt about it.  Sure, you need to be careful that you're not doing in a way that offends them - the starting point is that you're talking about something that's traditionally embarrassing, so you've got to be a bit sneaky about the way you approach it.  I think I would use the 'I love how you taste right after you've brushed your teeth' line, or 'you're delicious straight out of the shower'.  That shifts the focus away from them, and more onto you.  And it's not a lie, who doesn't love a body fresh out of the shower?

I'm going to leave with a little rant about a video.

This is S&M by Rihanna.  It has been banned in 11 countries because the video shows a latex clad Rihanna whipping a restrained man.  Apparently, it's 'too close to pornography'.  I have seen a lot of porn, and considering there's no nakedness, no hint that anyone is there against their will, and is less sexual, IMO, that something like Satisfaction, I think the whole thing is a bit ridiculous. 

I think the issue people have with S&M (the video and actual SM) is that it's something they don't understand.  People fear what they don't know, so people are going a bit overboard and banning it.  


The lyrics aren't exactly amazing, either. 

"Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it 

Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it 

Sticks and stones may break my bones 

But chains and whips excite me "

My Secret Weapon

Okay, I've spoken a LOT about how important communication is in relationships, but I've never really covered what you can do if your partner is similar to some of the people I've been with, who, when they are upset, they shut down and refuse to talk.  This isn't solely an issue with men, women do this too.

So the basic situation goes like this:

Person A raises an issue with person B.  Person B talks about the issue for a while, then person A says something person B doesn't like.  Person B stops talking.  Person A makes an effort to get something out of person B, and person B doesn't respond.

Yup, sound ridiculous, sounds like something that kids do - and it is!  I've never really understood why people do this.  It drives me insane!  I'm the sort of person who can't go to sleep angry, so I like to conclude all problems, or at least get them to a place where they're not weighing on my mind and we are in a good place to think about the issue and talk about it again later.

So, what can you do if you're faced with someone who shuts down?  My tactic is, I'll admit, a little bit manipulative.  It's not that I want to manipulate the other person into agreeing with my view, I just want to make them happy enough to get us both in a situation where we can actually discuss the problem.  My tactic of choice is kisses.

I find being ignored the most infuriating thing ever; I understand that you might not have anything to say, but TELL ME!  There's nothing wrong with saying 'I hear what you're saying, and right now, I don't have anything to say about that'.  If you just ignore me, it feels like you don't value me enough to say anything to me, and it's really conducive to trust and respect in a relationship.  

Sometimes it is really hard to calm yourself down after feeling like you've been ignored.  Usually, I'll walk away from the person and take a moment to deal with my own frustration.  I find the best way is to put myself in the other person's shoes; how would you feel if you had just heard this news?  Once you can empathise with what the other person is feeling, it gets much easier to move forward.  The other trick I use is to imagine the person as a helpless baby - how can you be angry with someone who shits in their pants?!

Anyway, once I'm feeling calm about the situation myself, I'll make an effort to go back to the person.  Often times, I'll find that they have come to find me.  Of course, this makes me feel a lot better about the situation; I know then that they care.

This is where my secret weapon comes in; kisses.  There are very very few people strong enough to resist kisses.  It it a really great way of taking anger out of a situation; the other person (and you too, of course) remembers that they actually like you, and remember that there was a relationship before the disagreement.  Once the anger is gone, it's much easier to talk calmly about the situation.  And sometimes, you might even get some angry make-up sex on the side! #win (Yes, I know I used a hashtag in a blog, and I am suitably embarrassed)

I don't think that disagreements or fights break up relationships, I think lack of communication breaks up relationships.  There are very few things that can't be addressed with good communication.  It's not something that happens overnight, 

The Reality of Sex

In my quest to get blog post ideas today, @honorarykiwi suggested writing about sexual taboos.  Communication in relationships is something I'm pretty passionate about (okay, a lot passionate about) so this seemed like a pretty good idea. Her tweet was "What's acceptable to talk about sex-wise, what's not, and what's not but should be?"

Well, first of all, I don't think anything should be taboo to talk about sex-wise. Sure, there are some things we'd rather talk about than others, and some things we really wouldn't like to talk about at all, but that doesn't mean that they should be taboo, or that we shouldn't talk about them.

I guess the best way to go about this is to list some common things that people, in my experience, don't like to talk about.  These are general things, not necessarily just sex related.

• Money.  This is a HUGE one.  Sexually-transmitted debt is a big issue, and anyone getting into more than a causal relationship should know what they're getting into.  Just before I left home to move in with my boyfriend, my mum sat me down and told me that no matter how happy I was then, I needed to make sure that I kept a separate account and continued to put money into it.  She told me that her biggest regret when she got married (at 18) was to not have her own money.  She hasn't been in a situation where she has wanted to leave, but if she ever did, she wouldn't have had the means to leave.  I think it's really important that people have access to their own money.  It shouldn't be a secret - the reality is, the vast majority of relationships don't work out, so you SHOULD have a safety net.  It also is good for when you need to buy secret pressies for your other half.
• 'What if we break up' - so many people never ever discuss this.  If you're renting, what happens with the house? What if you have a pet? What about things  you bought when you were together? How will you deal with any joint debt you have acquired?  Talking about it before anything happens is much easier than having to deal with it when you're upset or angry.
• Sex - this is a pretty general category, but I'm amazed at the people who don't/won't discuss their likes and dislikes.  

The original question was about sex, so I'll talk specifically about sex taboos.

Here are some things that I know now, but was never told:

• Sex is messy.  Really, really messy.  Even if you use condoms, you will make a mess - his penis is literally encased in cum. Gross. If you ride bareback, trust me when I say that there's not a graceful way of dismounting without dripping somewhere.  It's disgusting, but it's true, and you should know.  It's NEVER like the movies, you know, they finish and just roll off each other and cuddle?  Nope, not in real life.  Towels are great if you don't want to make whatever you're having sex on dirty.  
• Once you get cum on a towel, it's never the same again. You should have 'cum towels'.  Cum towels are not like the sock teenaged boys use, they should be washed regularly (ie every single use).  Crusty cum is disgusting.
• Sex in the shower or pool or ocean is not as awesome as it looks in the movies.  Girl's natural lube is water based, so when it gets wet, it no longer acts as lubricant. You really seen silicone based lube for water sex. It's still condom safe, but it's a PITA to wash off.  Aside from that, boy cum goes gross and lumpy in water, and it's gross to wash off.  Shower sex is definitely not my fav.
• Pussy farts. Lol.  Now we've got the laughing out of the way, they're a serious thing.  They tend to happen when you're doing doggy then lay down again, and it's just because when he thrusts, air gets pushed inside the girl.  There's not really a nice way you can get rid of them, so it's sort of best to just get it over with and laugh about it.  
• Real farts.  Hahaha, again, very funny.  Farts happen when you're relaxed, and hopefully, when you're having sex, you should be relaxed.  They also happen for the same reason as pussy farts after anal.  There's not really anything you can do to prevent it, but it's always nice to pretend you're a little bit classy and go to the toilet to do that.
• Kissing while having sex is a real PITA.  I love kissing as much as the next person, but when you're trying to have sex, breathing is more of a priority than kissing.  Sorry, but it's true.  I'm not saying there should be NO kissing during sex, but let's not be silly about it, people.
• The after sex cuddle =/= as great as it looks on Bones.  You know how Booth and Hannah have gotten together and they always have those cute cuddles? Same with Angela and Hodgins?  Well, in real life, you're hot and out of breath and sticky, and honestly, the best thing to do is have a drink and shower.  It's nice, sure, but often not realistic.  Especially in summer.  My only cavet to this is that if you're involved in any D/s or s/m, you should know what your partner likes in terms of aftercare. Often a quick cuddle is really needed.
• Birth control and STI protection - it's not actually okay to discuss this during the act.  It's not okay for the guy to assume that the girl is on the pill, or for the girl to assume that the guy has a condom, or will use one.  Seriously, I have had conversations with so many people who go 'but I thought he would use a condom'.  WHAT?! It's not something you should just 'think' - you should KNOW categorically.  Most mistakes won't matter tomorrow, but fuck up with birth control or sex protection could affect your whole life.  Don't risk it.

So, how do you talk about these things with your partner, or a possible sexual partner?  Firstly, I think openness is a really important thing to start with off the bat.  If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, bring these things up now.  Especially farting, but mostly because that's funny and I'm immature.  

If you're already in a relationship, I think the best way is to say "I saw this online and thought I'd see what you thought".  Shift the blame, it's totally acceptable in situations like this.  I understand how some of these things can be awkward and embarrassing to talk about things, especially what they like when it comes to sex.  The best way I've found is to fake it till you make it.  Bluff your way through, pretend you're super confident and cool, calm and collected.  Your attitude will rub off on the other person, and they'll be less weirded out too.  Eventually, you'll find that you are actually okay discussing difficult things!

So I was talking to this guy...

The other night I had a conversation with a guy from Canada who has been in the BDSM scene for about 20 years.  He said some things that really made me think in a different way about submission and sex and relationships in general.

The first thing he said was: submission is voluntary, it rests on the choice to submit.
I really loved this statement.  He's right, submission is something you choose to do.  It might be something that you feel more or less inclined to do, but it's not like just because you feel inclined to submit that you go around submitting to everyone you see who feels like dominating you today.  In fact, I think it's hugely important be very picky about who you choose to submit to - even more so than the pickiness you should have when choosing who to have sex with.

I'm a pretty picky person at the best of times, but I'm even more picky about choosing partners that I will be involved with BDSM with than I am with normal sexual partners.  I think a lot of it, for me, anyway, is that I recognise the risks that are involved.  Potentially, this person could hit too hard or choke me too long - and cause permanent harm or death.  Trust is a huge thing for me, even in the early stages.

The next thing was: submission must lead the sub to do things they would otherwise not do.
This was something that really made me think.  It's true though; I'm not actually submitting if I'm doing something that I would be happy to do anyway.  But then I wonder - if I'm happy to do everything up to my hard limits, aren't I actually not submitting until I allow those hard limits to be broken?  Or is it enough that I'm doing something I wouldn't usually, even though it's not something I've say, never done before or something I wouldn't want to do?

The more I think about this idea, the less I tend to agree with it.  I can submit to someone else's will without doing something I wouldn't do at all otherwise.  The important thing is that I'm doing it because they want me to rather than because it's something I want to do right now.  It doesn't necessitate me doing something I absolutely don't want to do; it's more about doing things because it's what I've been ordered to do, rather than because it's what I want to do.

The next thing: the sub and dom are intimately linked roles, like a coin; two sides, but one coin.
I agreed with this.  He said: a dom is to serve the needs of a sub, who needs to submit and serve the needs of a dom. A sub needs to serve the needs of a dom, who needs to dominate and serve the needs of a sub.  This was an interesting perspective for me - it showed me that there really isn't that much difference between a sub and a dom - neither can exist without the other.  The coin metaphor illustrates to me how important it is not not necessarily settle for the first dom-type you find - that person has to fit with you and your lifestyle and what you want.  There's not a 'one sized fits all' when it comes to any relationship.

It's for that reason that I don't agree with generic sub or slave training - a sub or slave needs to tailor him or herself to what her dominant wants, rather than assume all D-types want the same thing out of their subs.  The D/s relationship should be something that evolves over time, and should be founded on communication.  Now, don't get me wrong - I have no problem with formality in a D/s relationship (like names, positioning and that sort of thing), but I don't think it's something that needs to be set in stone on the third date, or anything like that.  Evolution of relationships is the thing that allows them to withstand changes in people and environments - this is exactly why I think that contracts in BDSM relationships are the most stupid thing I've ever heard of.  I'll write about that another time, because it deserves a whole freaking blog to itself.

While I agreed with most of what this guy said, I did not agree with one thing.  We were talking about the power dynamic, and I mentioned how the power of dominance attracts me, but I'm concerned about being dominant myself because of the responsibility that goes along with it.  He said: 'Responsibility is an illusion. Why? Because of the voluntary nature of submission'.  He is of the school of thought that a sub is purely using the dominant as a tool to 'meet his need to submit', whereas I think there's more to that.  At least, there is to me.  There is trust and respect involved.  Maybe it's an old fashioned view, but I really think that a dominant has a responsibility to protect their sub, even if it's only to protect the sub from themselves.

I spoke earlier about potentially trusting my dom with my life; this is something that I don't take lightly, and it's something that I expect that he doesn't, either.  Luckily, that sort of issue is easy to overcome with communication. Isn't it funny how we keep coming back to that?

The blog we've all been talking about

Okay, this is going to be a very personal blog, about my 'innermost, romantic feelings' and soppy shit like that. If you don't think you can read it without being an ass, please don't. And please don't give me shit on twitter about it, I already feel weird enough without being mocked relentlessly by people whom I've never met.

Actually, after writing that intro, and talking to Kassh, I've decided not to write it. It's not worth ruining anything over, and I'm enjoying what I have right now. This might seem like a bit of a cop-out, and to be honest, it is. But telling the world before the person goes against my whole 'communication in relationships' rule - and that's the out I'm using here. If you really respect a person, no matter what it is you have to tell them, good or bad, it should be face to face. I was going to by text, but that's a terrible idea. There are some things you don't do via text, like telling someone you're pregnant or breaking up with them (I'm neither, to be clear).

I guess this would lead into a good post about respect and relationships, and the link between communication and respect. This segue is awesome, go me!

So, what do I think about respect? There's that general adage that respect should be earned, and I totally agree with that. However, I also think that we as humans have a responsibility to respect other people as people - even if we don't like them. This means that we have to respect women and children and murderers and rapists. Everyone is somebody's baby, even if we don't like what they have done. That doesn't mean that we need to respect them as anything more than a person, it just means that we have to treat them like people. On top of that, people can earn our respect by doing special things. I sort of think of it like a kid's sticker chart, except way cooler because I got to colour it in myself. What they can do to earn respect varies from person to person.

For me, a big part of respect is someone respecting me. It sounds circular and silly, but if someone respects the things that I do and the reasons why I do them, I will respect them a lot more than if they either don't care, or worse, actively discourage me from doing what I do. I think respect in relationships is super important. Too many people seem to forget that their partners are, before everything, people. You wouldn't scream abuse at a person on the street, and you probably also wouldn't yell profanities at a person on the bus, so why is it somehow okay to treat your partner like that? You also wouldn't just totally ignore the girl at the library counter if she said something you didn't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand getting angry and frustrated with your partner. However, has yelling ever solved a problem? Has shutting down and ignoring the person you have the issue with ever actually fixed anything?

I'm a firm believer that communication is the keystone to a relationship - and also, that yelling isn't communication. I think that if there are issues, they should be talked about. I've been in a relationship with someone who, when he got annoyed, would totally shut down and refuse to discuss the issue, or anything else, for that matter. It would drive me insane; personally, I hate going to bed angry, and I find it really hard to let go without discussing the issue and 'kissing and making up' so to speak. I would never be with a guy who shut down like that again. It sent me into a bit of a depression because I felt like I was being ignored. Now I realise that it was just his way of dealing with it, but it would have been much better for both of us if he were to say 'I'm angry, I'm not discussing this now, we can talk about it in 2 hours'.

I've never been with someone who yelled at me. I don't do yelling very well, it makes me cry. I think a guy who yelled at me would be a deal-breaker. There's no excuse for it. My aunty used to be terrible at yelling at my uncle and her children. She didn't do it because she was a horrible person, she did it because it was the only way she thought they would listen. My grandmother sat down one day with her and told her what she was doing. She took it to heart, and it took a while, but she very rarely yells. Maybe that would work in other relationships also, but it's not something I'm willing to be involved in.

I think conflict is totally normal. People will never agree on everything, and no one should have to go along with everything their partner says just to prevent conflict. The issue lies in ensuring that conflict is dealt with in the right way; that is, with respect for the other person. If I respect you enough to kiss you and spend time with you or live with you or sleep with you, I respect you enough to make the effort to treat you and your opinions with respect. Sometime's it's hard, sure. But there is never an excuse for belittling your partner. The way you show respect is through the way you communicate with someone.

Whenever I'm really really frustrated with someone I love, I take a second to remember why I love the person, and think about how they make me happy. It might not work for you, but it works for me. If I'm really really frustrated, I'll put myself in time out. Sometimes having a shower or sitting outside or going for a drive can take the anger out of the situation. Remember, anger is your problem, no body else's.

Let's talk about sex, baby

Okay, say you're interested in kink, but you've been involved with your partner for a couple of years, and until now, you've had a totally vanilla sex life. Maybe you're just interested in some relatively tame stuff; light spanking and wrist restraints. How do you bring this up with your partner?

I think that communication in relationships is super important. Lots of people overestimate how well their partner can pick up on their non-verbal cues, and this can lead to frustration, misunderstanding and resentment. At the same time, people are embarrassed about telling their significant other what they're thinking and feeling.

It is scary to bare your soul to someone. I'm not going to lie, it's terrifying. You face possible rejection and ridicule, and it's hard to take that first step. But if you don't take any steps, know that you're settling for less than what you could potentially experience.

I can never understand couples who can't talk about money or sex. They're both hugely important and can be deal-breakers. Imagine marrying someone, and 3 years later, finding out that they owe huge amounts of money. Imagine finding out when they declare bankruptcy. Isn't money something you should talk about and be upfront about? There are some conversations that you should have early in a relationship; I'm not talking on the first date, but within that first year:

• what's your personal money situation? How much do you owe, are you managing payments and what's your credit rating like?
• do you want kids? Are you prepared to negotiate?
• do you see yourself wanting to leave the country in the next 10 years?
• if you won lotto, how would you spend the money?

Seriously, those are important questions. The sex one is a bit sticky, I'll admit. Your sexual preferences and likes and dislikes develop throughout your life; what you like today may not be the same things you'll like five years from now. With that in mind, I think sex should be something that you touch base with your partner about often.

In my first major relationship, within an hour of sex, we would rate how we found it out of 10, and give each other one thing we loved and one thing we would like to try next time. It often sparked further conversations, and lead to some pretty amazing things that we tried on a whim. It was nothing serious, more like a game that we did, but it made a huge difference to the openness of our sexlife and how we felt to talk about it.

In my second major relationship, we had a box in the bedroom. Every week, we would each put at least one thing we would like to do in the box. They could be something totally new, or something we did before. Whenever we were in a bit of a rut, we would take turns pulling things out of the box to try. We each got to veto 3 things, which went back into the box, then we would do the first thing we could either both agree on, or the 6th thing out of the box. That was a really awesome way of making sex fun and exciting, and also a great way of introducing new things without having to feel weird about it.

I think that openness about sex gets easier as you do it more. If you never ever talk about sex, of course it's going to feel weird at first. You will feel self-conscious; hell, sometimes I feel self-conscious talking about sex!

I think the best thing to do is jump in and talk about it. A simple conversation of 'you know, I had a dream last night of you doing *** to me' can open up a whole new world. If you don't want to talk face to face, text, email, write a letter if you have to. Remember, if you're feeling self-conscious, chances are, your partner is too. Make the conversations short at first; and don't pressure them. But whatever you do, for the sake of your sex life, don't ever give up.