The Reality of Sex

In my quest to get blog post ideas today, @honorarykiwi suggested writing about sexual taboos.  Communication in relationships is something I'm pretty passionate about (okay, a lot passionate about) so this seemed like a pretty good idea. Her tweet was "What's acceptable to talk about sex-wise, what's not, and what's not but should be?"

Well, first of all, I don't think anything should be taboo to talk about sex-wise. Sure, there are some things we'd rather talk about than others, and some things we really wouldn't like to talk about at all, but that doesn't mean that they should be taboo, or that we shouldn't talk about them.

I guess the best way to go about this is to list some common things that people, in my experience, don't like to talk about.  These are general things, not necessarily just sex related.

• Money.  This is a HUGE one.  Sexually-transmitted debt is a big issue, and anyone getting into more than a causal relationship should know what they're getting into.  Just before I left home to move in with my boyfriend, my mum sat me down and told me that no matter how happy I was then, I needed to make sure that I kept a separate account and continued to put money into it.  She told me that her biggest regret when she got married (at 18) was to not have her own money.  She hasn't been in a situation where she has wanted to leave, but if she ever did, she wouldn't have had the means to leave.  I think it's really important that people have access to their own money.  It shouldn't be a secret - the reality is, the vast majority of relationships don't work out, so you SHOULD have a safety net.  It also is good for when you need to buy secret pressies for your other half.
• 'What if we break up' - so many people never ever discuss this.  If you're renting, what happens with the house? What if you have a pet? What about things  you bought when you were together? How will you deal with any joint debt you have acquired?  Talking about it before anything happens is much easier than having to deal with it when you're upset or angry.
• Sex - this is a pretty general category, but I'm amazed at the people who don't/won't discuss their likes and dislikes.  

The original question was about sex, so I'll talk specifically about sex taboos.

Here are some things that I know now, but was never told:

• Sex is messy.  Really, really messy.  Even if you use condoms, you will make a mess - his penis is literally encased in cum. Gross. If you ride bareback, trust me when I say that there's not a graceful way of dismounting without dripping somewhere.  It's disgusting, but it's true, and you should know.  It's NEVER like the movies, you know, they finish and just roll off each other and cuddle?  Nope, not in real life.  Towels are great if you don't want to make whatever you're having sex on dirty.  
• Once you get cum on a towel, it's never the same again. You should have 'cum towels'.  Cum towels are not like the sock teenaged boys use, they should be washed regularly (ie every single use).  Crusty cum is disgusting.
• Sex in the shower or pool or ocean is not as awesome as it looks in the movies.  Girl's natural lube is water based, so when it gets wet, it no longer acts as lubricant. You really seen silicone based lube for water sex. It's still condom safe, but it's a PITA to wash off.  Aside from that, boy cum goes gross and lumpy in water, and it's gross to wash off.  Shower sex is definitely not my fav.
• Pussy farts. Lol.  Now we've got the laughing out of the way, they're a serious thing.  They tend to happen when you're doing doggy then lay down again, and it's just because when he thrusts, air gets pushed inside the girl.  There's not really a nice way you can get rid of them, so it's sort of best to just get it over with and laugh about it.  
• Real farts.  Hahaha, again, very funny.  Farts happen when you're relaxed, and hopefully, when you're having sex, you should be relaxed.  They also happen for the same reason as pussy farts after anal.  There's not really anything you can do to prevent it, but it's always nice to pretend you're a little bit classy and go to the toilet to do that.
• Kissing while having sex is a real PITA.  I love kissing as much as the next person, but when you're trying to have sex, breathing is more of a priority than kissing.  Sorry, but it's true.  I'm not saying there should be NO kissing during sex, but let's not be silly about it, people.
• The after sex cuddle =/= as great as it looks on Bones.  You know how Booth and Hannah have gotten together and they always have those cute cuddles? Same with Angela and Hodgins?  Well, in real life, you're hot and out of breath and sticky, and honestly, the best thing to do is have a drink and shower.  It's nice, sure, but often not realistic.  Especially in summer.  My only cavet to this is that if you're involved in any D/s or s/m, you should know what your partner likes in terms of aftercare. Often a quick cuddle is really needed.
• Birth control and STI protection - it's not actually okay to discuss this during the act.  It's not okay for the guy to assume that the girl is on the pill, or for the girl to assume that the guy has a condom, or will use one.  Seriously, I have had conversations with so many people who go 'but I thought he would use a condom'.  WHAT?! It's not something you should just 'think' - you should KNOW categorically.  Most mistakes won't matter tomorrow, but fuck up with birth control or sex protection could affect your whole life.  Don't risk it.

So, how do you talk about these things with your partner, or a possible sexual partner?  Firstly, I think openness is a really important thing to start with off the bat.  If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, bring these things up now.  Especially farting, but mostly because that's funny and I'm immature.  

If you're already in a relationship, I think the best way is to say "I saw this online and thought I'd see what you thought".  Shift the blame, it's totally acceptable in situations like this.  I understand how some of these things can be awkward and embarrassing to talk about things, especially what they like when it comes to sex.  The best way I've found is to fake it till you make it.  Bluff your way through, pretend you're super confident and cool, calm and collected.  Your attitude will rub off on the other person, and they'll be less weirded out too.  Eventually, you'll find that you are actually okay discussing difficult things!