My Secret Weapon

Okay, I've spoken a LOT about how important communication is in relationships, but I've never really covered what you can do if your partner is similar to some of the people I've been with, who, when they are upset, they shut down and refuse to talk.  This isn't solely an issue with men, women do this too.

So the basic situation goes like this:

Person A raises an issue with person B.  Person B talks about the issue for a while, then person A says something person B doesn't like.  Person B stops talking.  Person A makes an effort to get something out of person B, and person B doesn't respond.

Yup, sound ridiculous, sounds like something that kids do - and it is!  I've never really understood why people do this.  It drives me insane!  I'm the sort of person who can't go to sleep angry, so I like to conclude all problems, or at least get them to a place where they're not weighing on my mind and we are in a good place to think about the issue and talk about it again later.

So, what can you do if you're faced with someone who shuts down?  My tactic is, I'll admit, a little bit manipulative.  It's not that I want to manipulate the other person into agreeing with my view, I just want to make them happy enough to get us both in a situation where we can actually discuss the problem.  My tactic of choice is kisses.

I find being ignored the most infuriating thing ever; I understand that you might not have anything to say, but TELL ME!  There's nothing wrong with saying 'I hear what you're saying, and right now, I don't have anything to say about that'.  If you just ignore me, it feels like you don't value me enough to say anything to me, and it's really conducive to trust and respect in a relationship.  

Sometimes it is really hard to calm yourself down after feeling like you've been ignored.  Usually, I'll walk away from the person and take a moment to deal with my own frustration.  I find the best way is to put myself in the other person's shoes; how would you feel if you had just heard this news?  Once you can empathise with what the other person is feeling, it gets much easier to move forward.  The other trick I use is to imagine the person as a helpless baby - how can you be angry with someone who shits in their pants?!

Anyway, once I'm feeling calm about the situation myself, I'll make an effort to go back to the person.  Often times, I'll find that they have come to find me.  Of course, this makes me feel a lot better about the situation; I know then that they care.

This is where my secret weapon comes in; kisses.  There are very very few people strong enough to resist kisses.  It it a really great way of taking anger out of a situation; the other person (and you too, of course) remembers that they actually like you, and remember that there was a relationship before the disagreement.  Once the anger is gone, it's much easier to talk calmly about the situation.  And sometimes, you might even get some angry make-up sex on the side! #win (Yes, I know I used a hashtag in a blog, and I am suitably embarrassed)

I don't think that disagreements or fights break up relationships, I think lack of communication breaks up relationships.  There are very few things that can't be addressed with good communication.  It's not something that happens overnight,