I did it!

Did anybody notice?? I have blogged EVERYDAY in February. Every-single-day.  What a trooper! Some blogs have been long and mostly ramble, others have been very short.  Some have been full of pictures, and others have been totally about me.  But the point is, I did it.  It was my own personal goal for Feb, and I was trying to do it without telling everyone so I wasn't accountable to anyone but myself.

Usually, unless I publicly announce my goals, I don't stick at them.  This time, I wanted to see if I have the personal motivation do it without worrying that everyone will think or say if I don't stick at it.  And I did it! Now I have to come up with something else for March.  Maybe I should do no drinking.  My liver would probably thank me.

So, what do you guys think about not drinking? It's nothing as cool as FebFast which lots of twitter kids did, but still, the benefit is there for me.  Alternatively, I could try to run every day. I know you're supposed to have rest days and all that, but I'm sort of a bit of an all or nothing sort of person, so I don't think I'd find that too much of an issue.  So, which one? No drinking, or running every day? Help!

Uni tomorrow

Tomorrow university starts again.  I'm totally underprepared.  Well, actually, 'underprepared' is actually a a major overstatement - I'm not prepared at all.  I'm not signed into all my classes, there was a fuck up with my student loan (I have three under two different names for 2010, but none for 2011), and I have no idea what my timetable looks like.

I have no idea how this happened, usually I'm on top of uni.  This year I haven't even bought my books for my classes, and somehow I'm already behind on readings, even though we haven't started.

I'm sort of glad that I have one more year of uni left before I have to go out into the big wide world.  In saying that, 6 years at university is a fucking LONG time.  I enjoy learning new things all the time, and as much as I complain, I actually do enjoy the work.  The stress of assignments is good for me, and it helps to motivate me.  I guess that motivation is how I get so much done every day.

Happy Birthday, Nana

My whole family is in Taupo/or on their way for my Nana's surprise 70th birthday.  Well, the fact that she's having a birthday and is turning 70 isn't a surprise, she's known about this for the last 70 years.  The surprise part is that we're all here.

The story went that her 4 kids were buying her and my poppa a weekend away in Taupo for her birthday, just the two of them.  My parents and brother were coming up too (because after 3 weeks at school, he definitely needs a break), but were staying somewhere different.  

In reality, my family rented 4 houses on the same street, and the WHOLE family is coming.  So there's the immediate family (well, what we consider immediate!), nana, poppa, mum, dad, my brother, my aunty and uncle and their three kids, my aunty and uncle and their kid and two dogs, my uncle and aunty and their 2 kids.  At this stage, that's all that my nana knows about.  What she doesn't know is that the whole rest of the extended family is coming.  Like, over 100 people.  

Actually, her niece and her husband and their 6 kids just showed up.  That means that there are now 4 dogs and a cat here.  And still 9 families to arrive before lunch.

I said the whole time that it was a pretty mean thing to do, nana will be SO upset to be left out of the loop.  

Here's Charlie looking out of the window in my room:

And two of the dogs:

Oddly enough, there's a skylight in the toilet.  It sort of creeps me out.

Here's the view from the main room/deck:

 

And some of the people arriving:

And the obligatory picture of us getting our geek on:

Now, we're having a 'comparing our children' moment, and I'm definitely the winner, so I've got to go and collect my prize!

I am thankful for:

This weekend, my entire family is travelling from all around New Zealand for my grandmother's surprise 70th birthday.  At least, on Tuesday morning, that was the plan.  It's now turned into more of a family get-together to celebrate each other and remember those who we've lost.

I think in times like these, we need to remember the good things in life. 

Here are 10 things I'm thankful for today:

1. having such awesome friends who love me and who care about me.  These guys have been getting me through the last few days, and I really, really couldn't have done it without them.
2. my family, as always, are amazing. Thank you for making my birthday special.
3. music - music has always been important in my life, but in stressful times, I can honestly play for hours and hours and get lost in it
4. the one person who has been able to successfully forget reality for a few hours, and make me feel normal. You know who you are, and I can't thank you enough.
5. Twitter - yes, there has been a lot of misinformation, but there has also been a hell of a lot of great, positive stories that make me feel less helpless
6. the team at Catalyst and all the volunteers who have made www.eq.org.nz.  This is an invaluable resource.
7. kitteh cuddles - they will make you feel a little bit better, no matter what.
8. all of the everyday, unsung heroes who have been doing their bit.
9. the police, fire service, army, council, government and companies who are saving lives
10. all of the other countries in the world who are helping by offering manpower or money.

I'm proud of how well I've handled this so far.  I've had 3 drinks since it happened, and those three weren't all at the same time.  I've been drinking lots of water, which is good.  I haven't been hungry since the quake other than demolishing a 2l tub of ice cream, and other than a couple of bites of food here or there (and some delishous lemon meringue pie), I really haven't wanted to eat.  While it's not affecting me too much, I'm not going to worry.  I will be hungry again, and I'll eat when I'm hungry.

Usually when things happen that upset me that I can't control, I spiral out of control into a depression.  I've been very aware of that this time, and I'm doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen.  I think being on top of how I'm feeling and being honest about it is critical - I can admit to myself I'm feeling down but not allow myself do slip out of control.

To everyone else who's been struggling, it's okay.  However you're feeling is perfectly fine.  Some people aren't upset, some people work through things logically, some people just want to cry.  That's all normal.  You're much better to wear your emotions on the outside right now than trap them inside and let them fester.  Take time out for you.  Switch off the TV and the internet and go for a walk; do whatever you need to that makes you feel okay.  You're not going to feel perfect straight away, but feeling 'okay' is fine too.

Goodbye

Goodbye, my friends. I'm sorry it had to be this way for you, and I'm sorry I'll never see you again. You will live forever in our memories. I will never forget you.

What if?

Last night I went to bed hoping that this Christchurch earthquake wasn't real.

What if I woke up, and the earthquake was just a bad dream?

What if I woke up, and I didn't know anyone had died?

What if we had less strict building codes?

What if New Zealand goes bankrupt?

What if things had been different and I was still with my first boyfriend?

What if things had been different 6 years ago?  What would my 6 year old daughter look like today?

What if my dad had died when he had his heart attack?

What if I had decided to go to med school rather than law school?

What if my family had moved to Japan?

What if we had stayed in the US?

What if I had chosen to go to another school?

What if I could cry right now?



I don't know what if.  This is the worst birthday ever.

Feeling helpless

Today, at 12.51pm, a magnitude 6.3 struck Christchurch.  It was 5km deep, and caused major damage.  Like most New Zealanders, I spent the afternoon frantically trying to make contact with friends and family in Christchurch, and watching the live reports unfold on TV and online. 

As with most emergencies, Twitter proved to be a great source of information.  Within literally seconds of feeling the quake myself, I was looking at pictures of the damage.

I can't look at the damage anymore, and I can't think of the dozens of people who have died.  I feel guilty; people in Christchurch don't have a choice but to face it.

Instead of blogging something horrible, or heartfelt, I have instead found pictures of baby animals. Maybe this will take your mind of the horribleness for a few minutes.

Don't forget to tell everyone tonight that you love them.

How did my goals go this year?

When I started blogging, I wrote my list of 22 things I want to do before I turn 22.  Now, two sleeps before my birthday, I thought it would be a really great time to evaluate where I've gotten to with them.

1. Complete the hundredpushups.com challenge
I was up to week 4/5 when I broke my shoulder and had to stop.  I started again last night, and did 30, without pain in my shoulder.

2. Lose 15 kg

I did it! I'm aiming to lose another 20kg this year, but I think that might be optimistic as that will be about 10kg less than my lowest adult weight.

3. Be interest-bearing debt free

I was doing great on this then Charlie needed her operation.  There's not much debt there, but there is some, which I'm looking at eliminating in the next month.

4. Eat 5 things I've never tried before

Yes, and some of them, I actually like.  Like Creme Brulee. Where the hell have you been all my life?

5. Try 5 things I don't like to eat

I also did this, and I learned why I don't like these things.  Brussel sprouts will never be nice, no matter what mum says.

6. Exercise at least 20 minutes a day, every day

If I work out an average over a week, yes.  Although I'm thinking of starting a 100 day challenge where you have to do 20m of exercise every day for 100 days - I think that would be great.

7. Read a book for myself, that isn't a uni-related book.

I've actually read about 6 books, which is probably the most I've read since I started uni.  Back in the day, I used to read about 3-4 novels a week, and now by the time I've done my uni reading I want to gouge my eyes out.  But I have remembered how much I love reading, and am going to try to read a book every couple of weeks.  I did read Kerre Woodhams' book "Short Fat Chick to Marathon Runner' today, so clearly, I still know how to read!

8. Complete the twohundredsitups.com challenge

I got up to about 160 sit ups before I broke my shoulder.  I will be starting this again next week after a week of doing push ups.

9. Ride my bike again

I haven't done this, but I think I'll take my bike to the beach tomorrow and go for a quick ride. Can't let this one go, can I?

10. Have some savings; stop living paycheck to paycheck

It's not much, but yes, I have savings!

11. Update my CV

Yes - haven't applied for anything, but I did get my contract renewed for another year, so that's a start.  At least I won't have to worry about finding a new job right now.  Job security in the sector I work in isn't fab right now, so it was a huge relief to get another year's contract.

12. Spend a weekend with my friends

Yes, did it, and it's amazing.

13. Watch a sunrise

Yes - and starting on Wednesday (or maybe Friday, Wednesday's my birthday, and I'll probably be too tired to breathe on Thursday), I will be doing morning runs too, so I'll watch the sunrise 5 days a week :D

14. Spend a day alone

I did this.  I don't like spending time alone really, it makes me feel weird.  I don't mind if I'm running or swimming or something, but I do think it's much harder to spend a full day alone.  

15. Potty train my cat

Charlie broke her leg and has spent approx. 17 weeks in a cage.  She's got 9 days to go, then once she's strong enough to jump, I'll be teaching her again.

16. Get back on the FlyLady bandwagon

Yes - but only vaguely.  I'm awesome at keeping my bathroom clean, but not so much everything else.  I should probably make more of an effort with this, it was great while it lasted.

17. Blog at least 5 days a week

Yes - pretty much.  I've also blogged every day of February so far, which is awesome.

18. Get a checkup at the doctor

Yes. Turns out, I'm healthy, but have lots of injuries.

19. Go to the dentist

Yup. As much as I hate it, I went.  It sucked.

20. Back up my computer!!!

Yes, and I've been doing it weekly, too! (Granted, only for two weeks, but it counts, right?)

21. Tidy the spare bedroom

Yes, out of necessity.  Much better.

22. Start saving, at least a tiny bit, for a house deposit, and add to it at least once a month

Yes. It's not going to buy me a house, but I suppose with my Kiwisaver money too, it's looking respectable.

All in all, I have had a really great year.  Sure, there have been some definite downs, but I'm more about being thankful for what I have and what I've achieved rather than regret things.  

I'm excited for my 23 things to do before I turn 23.  22 is going to be a great year!  I'm feeling good about where I've been, and most importantly, where I'm going.

Thanks everyone who made this a fantastic year :D

AMI Round the Bays

Ages ago, I blogged saying I had started running, then that I had decided to run Wellington Round the Bays and become a Heart Racer.  I left you here, with my C25k graduation.

Well, today was Round the Bays day.  And I did it!!!  I've officially done my first running race, and I loved it.  That's not entirely true, during the run, I hated every second.  But when I (finally) arrived at the finish line, I was very very happy.  All that hard work I have done for the last few months has paid off, and now, I can really RUN!

There really were times that I doubted that I could ever do it, and I've finally proven that I can actually be a runner.  Yeah, that's a pretty scary admission; I might become one of them - you know, the ones who get up at 6am on a Sunday to run up mountains?

I've learned some things in the last few months:

• despite being fat and lazy, there is actually an athletic person inside me trying to get out.  I am just one of those people who need to exercise, or I go crazy.  I have more energy when I exercise, and my mental health is much more stable.
• I can be a runner, and actually enjoy running.
• No one's laughing at me.  Today, I saw people of all shapes and sizes, and there was not one person I looked at and thought 'gosh, that person looks silly'.  Not ONE.  I bet no one looked at me like that either.
• Even if there are people laughing at me, I don't give a shit.  Running makes me feel good, and who cares if I look like I've been attacked by a bear when I've finished?  So do most other people!
• Running with music is okay.  Running listening to podcasts is okay.  Running listening to nothing is the most peaceful thing ever.
• Running up hills does actually make you stronger.  It sucks at the time, but my legs are much stronger now that they would have been if I never did the hill thing.
• Running isn't a good way to lose weight, you'll actually have to stop eating crap if you want to lose weight.  But running will make you (or me, at least) want to eat better.  What you put in is what you get out, and I'm not talking poop.
• Running, for me, is selfish.  I do it for me, and I do it to make me feel good about myself.  It's okay to do selfish things, it's okay to take time away from others to spend it doing something good for yourself.
• Doing something that you find difficult is more rewarding that achieving something that you don't find as much of a challenge.  I am more proud of running 7km than I was when I set swimming records or swam 20km.  Running is hard fucking work.  I've never found swimming such a mental or physical challenge.  It's nice having a challenge and achieving something that was hard for you.

So, what's happening next?

This period of the last 12 months or so is the first time in my life where I really haven't been training for something or being competitive.  I started ballet when I was 3 years old, and I did it until I was about 16. I used to have ballet 6 days a week.  I started competitive swimming when I was 7, and did that until I started playing underwater hockey competitively when I was 14.  I kept squad swimming until I was 17. I stopped doing races and stuff when I started doing representing Wellington in underwater hockey at 14.  

When I was playing underwater hockey competitively, I was training for between 10 and 20 hours a week, depending on when it was in the season.

Now I do nothing.  Well, I run 5-ish days a week, for 30m to an hour.  But comparatively, that's nothing.  I'm going to start training again.  I want to represent NZ at underwater hockey and underwater rugby.  And I want to run a marathon.  I'd also like to swim the cook straight, but that's probably realistically 8 years away.

To be able to do this, I need to start training at least 5 times a week for UWH/UWR, plus play twice a week (UWH) and once for UWR.  I also need to run at least 5 times a week.  I'm going to do the bridge to 10k program, then when I've done that, I'll start looking for a 1/2 marathon program.  I'd like to be able to do a 10k in June, and a 1/2 marathon at the end of the year, as well as the 1/2 marathon for round the bays next year.  Then I guess I'll start looking for a marathon to do.

Yes, I know this is 13 trainings a week and it probably sounds insane, but it's actually less that what I was doing when I was in peak underwater hockey training.  Granted, I have less free time now and it will mean that I'll have less of a social life, but I think the end result will be worth it.

What this will mean though is that I have to start running in the morning.  I am not a morning person at all, but UWH and UWR are at night, so that's not going to work out.  I'm not sure how I'm going to convince myself to get up in the morning and run, but I'm doing to try.  Tomorrow, I'm having a day off after my 7km run, 5km run and hard training session.  All I'm doing tomorrow is underwater rugby training, and that's only for an hour and 1/2.  On Tuesday I'll start a morning run (maybe) and also go for a swim in the afternoon.  I'm ready, and excited.  Let's fucking go.

PDA is not okay

Okay, so the title to this is a bit misleading.  PDA is cool - totally fine - in some situations, and as long as it isn't a constant thing.  Getting a kiss in public, or seeing people hold hands, or even a quick ass pat or boob grope isn't a problem in the right situation. 

What's the right situation?  Well, I don't have a problem with children seeing two adults touching or kissing in public.  Course, there are limits to that - a full on blow job in public is never going to be okay around children, and blatant dry humping against a fence isn't okay either.  But I don't think it's bad for children to see a couple kissing or holding hands - kids should know that adults are people too, and it's great that they see good, quality relationships among real adults.   

Lots of people are totally against PDA.  Once I turned about 16, I started hating it too -  it seemed petty and gross to me, and I hated imagining what people were doing in private if they were doing that in public.  Maybe that's just me at 16, sex on the brain, but I think that's quite common among that age.  Don't get me wrong, I still did it, I just hated watching other people doing it.  As I've gotten older (and with my birthday coming up very soon - 4 sleeps! - I seriously feel ancient right now), I've sort of changed my mind about it.  There's something cute about seeing the little old lady and her husband of 40 years with hairy ears sitting on a park bench kissing, and seeing a couple pushing a pram together  holding hands almost makes me think that my life wouldn't be totally over if I were to procreate.

So what's my issue with PDA then if I actively engage in it and seeing other people do it makes me mooshy inside?  Well, some people just take it too far.  Take this couple, for example:

On first glance it's super cute.  Awww, look, the guy is totally into her, he's pulling her close and being all romantic and stuff.  Then we look a little bit closer.  Yes, that it a boob grab at the same time.  Well, that's cool.  Maybe they're in their own backyard, or somewhere private?  Nope, they're at Wellington Zoo, on a Saturday.  You know, with all the kids around.  

Okay, so that's not so bad.  Maybe no one's watching (except the super creepy photographer, of course) and maybe he just copped a quick feel.   Maybe it's their anniversary, or something.  Maybe.  Well, you know, it's not.  This is actually about hour number 3 at the zoo.  Hour number 3 of making everyone slightly uncomfortable with their gross touching and kissing and fondling (and I don't use that word lightly, believe me!).  Okay, maybe it wasn't quite as bad as you're imagining, but it was pretty terrible.  In her own words, girly in this picture actually said at some point during the day "I'm surprised we haven't been kicked out yet"*

So when is PDA okay?  When it's infrequent, used sparingly, and not disgustingly disturbuing for everyone within a 50m radius.  It's okay if you're doing it for you, and not for the purposes of making everyone uncomfortable (still not convinced they didn't do it just to make us all cringe, which was remarkably successful if that was the case).  The general rule of thumb is, if you saw your parents doing what you're doing in public, would it make you vom in your mouth?  If the answer is yes, for love of god (yes, with a baby g, because we know he's made up), STOP.

* It is possible she was talking about me at this point, but we'll pretend otherwise as there are no incrimiating photos of me on the internet right now!

Mean Girls

Girls are total bitches.  There's a reason I have more guy friends that girls - because girls are backstabbing, horrible bitchy bitchy things.  That's not to say all girls are - obviously, I don't think I am, but I guess when put in the right situation, all girls can be.  

We've all (male and female) had experiences with bitchy girls doing things just for the purpose of upsetting other people.  It seems like it's stupid and petty; and you know, it is.  I don't understand why girls do it.  I guess it's some sort of leg up over girls.  

It seems to be a manipulation tactic that women - but I don't know why.  Surely, girls know what other girls are doing.  I can pick it from a mile away.  And boys see right through it too - most of them who are 'falling' for girls' manipulation techniques are going into it knowingly, it's not like anyone's tricking them.

So what's the deal?  I know a girl (let's call her Emma, because that's her name), who seduced her friend's (for the purposes of this story, Lauren) boyfriend (we'll call him Charlie).  It turns out that Charlie was also involved with another girl, Lana, AND Ria.  

Firstly, how can one guy have that much time??  And second, how the hell could Emma go out with say, Lauren and Charlie, knowing that she's trying to seduce him behind Lauren's back?  How do you have the balls to do that as a friend?  How do you have the balls to tell the friend that she should break up with her boyfriend because he's a cheater - when you're the one who made him cheat in the first place?

Sure, it's really easy to say that if guys didn't want to cheat, they wouldn't allow themselves to be seduced.  And maybe that's true.  But is it really a fair test when you're literally shoving your tongue down a guy's throat?  I'd argue that it probably isn't.  I don't think there are many people who would be able to resist an insistent person coming on to them.  

Is it cheating if they fall for it and become involved?  Sure.  Is it their fault?  Maybe in part, and it wouldn't make me any less upset about it, but really, the blame should lie with the person doing the seducing, because but for their actions, the cheating wouldn't have occurred.

I don't understand why girls would try to prove themselves right by getting a guy to cheat.  I don't see what point it's proving.  And I don't see how that makes the guy the bad person - surely, if you know that two people are together in whatever capacity, then your attempted seduction is much worse that his infidelity, especially if you claim to be friends with the girl involved.  So girls, have you ever knowingly tried to get a guy to cheat? Have you ever had this happen to you, or am I the only one.

The State of the Nation

Today, we had a bit of a Twitter debate about welfare. Amy wrote this awesome blog about it, and it's inspired me to share my view. I'm not really in the habit of blogging my political views as I am politically quite conservative, and I think that it shocks a lot of people. I guess I am in the habit (whether intentionally or not) of shocking people, so maybe a political blog is in order today.

A little disclaimer - this is MY view only, not that of my friends, family, or importantly, employer.

So, welfare. At the moment, there are lots and lots of different kinds of help the State can give to people in need; from Working For Families tax credits to the Unemployment Benefit to Sickness Benefit to Community Services Cards to Special Needs Grants. There are relatively strict criteria to meet to be eligible for a benefit; some have stand-down periods (ie the Unemployment Benefit), and some have income thresholds (Community Services Card), others are on an 'as needed' basis.

However, these criteria can make it difficult for people to be eligible for some benefits - people who are genuinely in need. For example, a student who is not eligible for Student Allowance (his parents earn over the maximum threshold - even though his parents offer no financial assistance), but who is currently on summer break and who gets fired (unjustifiably) from his employer will not meet the requirements of the Unemployment Benefit, despite being in need because:

1. Despite getting the 13 week stand-down period waived because he is taking legal action against his employer, he is a student, and therefore is not looking for full time work (a requirement of the Unemployment Benefit)

2. He is a student, and therefore should apply for a Student Hardship Benefit through StudyLink.

3. He is not eligible for Student Allowance because his parents, despite not helping him financially, earn over the maximum threshold. He should apply for an Unemployment Benefit though WINZ.

See the circular argument that goes on? This is the issue that Marcus faced when he was fired from his job - he had to go on fun CV writing trainings and job seminars and all sorts of exciting things. In the end, he was told by WINZ that his best option would be to give up studying (at this stage, he had 6 months to go to complete his degree), then he would be eligible for an Unemployment Benefit. He made a decision to not return to university if that's what it took for us to be able to get through this period, and upon returning to WINZ, was told that actually, because his partner (me) was a student, he wouldn't be eligible for the Unemployment Benefit after all, and that the best option was for me to give up studying also. WHAT?!?!?!?

Welfare needs to have strict criteria, but we also need to make sure that people in need are recieving help.  It's a delicate balance, and I feel that I am entitled to an opinion on New Zealand's welfare. I pay taxes, and have done for 8 years. I went to a decile 5 primary school (I'm not even shitting you when I tell you that when my brother and I left the school, it dropped to a decile 3. Probably just a coincidence, but it gives you an idea). I had friends growing up whose parents were on benefits. I am a Brownie leader, where the vast majority of my girls' parents get some kind of state assistance. My mum works in a welfare-type role in the community. I have volunteered with the Breakfast in Schools Programme (and am good friends with the person who pushes it in Porirua), I have volunteered with the Books in Schools Programme. I am interested in welfare generally, and have done both law and policy papers on welfare. I have been active politically in welfare reform.

I know that a huge proportion of New Zealanders receive some kind of state welfare or assistance. I know that the vast majority of them do so without ever abusing the system. I know that for some people, a stigma attaches to being a beneficiary. I also know that New Zealand is one of the few countries in the world where we have third generation beneficiaries (and unconfirmed, but apparently, at least 10 forth generation families have been established by the BRC) . And by that, I don't mean there are three generations of families who have, at some time received some sort of benefit, or a Community Services Card or Accommodation Supplement. I mean families where the grandparents are on SB/UB and have raised their children on it. The parents have raised their children on beneficiaries, and these children have grown up to be dependent on the state. How is this okay? Can anyone argue that this is okay?

Yes - the majority of beneficiaries are good people caught in a bad situation. But surely, one beneficiary (if only it was just one!) who spends their UB on alcohol and cigarettes instead of food and clothes for their children is one too many. I believe there should be some sort of shame attached to being solely reliant on a benefit. I don’t think that the shame should come from the rest of society – lots of people need a hand up in their lives, and we shouldn’t make them feel bad about it. However, people should strive to do better for themselves and their children – like the majority of those on the benefit DO.

Most beneficiaries have to rely on state assistance for a relatively short time, and once they get their hand up, are perfectly capable of fending for themselves. I don’t think we should take away from these people or make it hard for them; I really don’t. But I think there is a huge difference between a ‘hand up’ and a ‘hand out’, and the one we need to be cutting down on are ‘hand outs’. It’s not actually a right to receive a benefit – it’s something that in many other countries in the world, you would not be entitled to. It is something that we should respect and earn.

So what do we do?

First, I think that it should be mandatory for people to accept a job they are offered while on a benefit (so long as they have the skills to do the job and it is reasonable to expect them to do it i.e. meets the minimum wage, commuting issues etc). I know the standard for state houses is that you can reject 2 houses, and must take the third or you get dropped down the waiting list. A similar system would be helpful for UB.

I think there should be a time limit of being on the benefit. I know this is a hugely controversial issue, but I really think that it’s not okay it claim the UB for 35 years – SURELY in 35 years, even with no skills, you can find SOME job, or at the very least, get into some of the many free, community based education programs to upskill. I don’t like the idea of having a set time for everyone and every benefit – obviously 5 years for a person on the UB is totally different to 5 years for someone on the SB. However, I do think that all benefits should be strictly audited every 6 months. Yes, it is going to take time and money, however, it’s important that we are helping to push these people forward and move them to a better place.

Any money you get from a benefit should not be able to be spent on alcohol, cigarettes or gambling, or luxury items like ice cream and candy. We already have purchase cards (like debit plus cards with a pre-loaded amount of money on them). You should be able to use them as you do now, in the normal supermarket line – but they should decline if there is any ‘forbidden’ things in the trolley – like cigarettes. All purchases should have to be made off this card (rent, power, food), and the beneficiary should also receive a small amount of cash for use for discretionary items like alcohol. Things like bus fares should also be paid out in cash (but accounted for).

I think this idea is better than the hassle/shame of using literal food stamps, and giving beneficiaries some cash is a good way to help them learn to save and budget. If they want to have a party, that’s fine – but they need to save/budget their cash until they have enough to purchase what they want. This is a good way to ensure that parents are buying food for their children rather than spending it at the TAB. This wouldn’t affect people who were already doing the best for their children either, as they would already purchasing for their kids first.

Education is a huge part of getting people to a place where they can be financially responsible. This goes not only for beneficiaries, but generally in society. ‘Money sense’ should be taught from a young age in schools. Children need to learn the value of things. I shit you not, a friend of my moved out of home and called me about 2 weeks later asking why her lights didn’t work.

It turned out that she had no idea you actually have to pay for power, she just assumed it came with the house. These are basic life skills that parents should be teaching their children, but sadly, don’t always. Kids need to know about credit cards and HPs and bank loans and mortgages. Until I was 4th year at university and incidentally learned it through a class, I had no idea what a mortgage really was – and my parents did teach me about money. Unless we know the value of a dollar and basic life skills like saving and earning money, we will never be able to help stop the cycle of poor financial skills.

Welfare fraud isn’t as common as it’s made out – it really isn’t. But when it happens, we should throw the book at these people. They are stealing from you and me, they are stealing from the country, and we should not stand for that for a second. We need to set high standards and expectations – receiving welfare isn’t a right, it’s a privilege, and it’s something that we shouldn’t take for granted.

We need to look after our children, and we need to demand that others do so too. Like Amy said, children can’t learn without food in their tummies, and if they can’t learn, the cycle will continue.



What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Live every day as if it is your last, because one day, you will be right.

How do you deal with grief?  Well, there's not a textbook that will tell you.  No one can tell you how to deal with it, or how you might deal with it when it comes up.  

I've experienced a lot of death and loss, and I can tell you, each time, it's different.  You have a different relationship with people, your last memory of them is different, and you will be around different people at the time.  I wish it was predictable; I wish that every time someone close to be died, I would know exactly how I would feel and when I would start feeling better.  

For me, the worst part of it is feeling like I have to feel a certain way.  Sometimes, I want to talk about it.  Sometimes, I just really wish everyone would stop talking and leave me alone.  Sometimes, I want to think about it, sometimes, I just want to pretend it didn't happen.  All of these responses are totally normal, and they're okay - but lots of people don't understand that.  They think that their way of grieving is the right way - whatever that is.

I think the thing about death is that one day, you wake up and it just doesn't feel so bad.  It doesn't feel good, but it also doesn't feel like it's so hard to breathe.  Some days, you go backwards.  Some days, you almost forget that the person isn't there anymore.  Somedays, it's hell.  But little by little, it does get better.  It's hard to think of when you're in the midst of it, but one day, it won't feel so bad.

It's harder to deal with if the death was unexpected or shocking.  If you know someone is slowly dying (like they have a disease or illness, or they're old), then you can sort of resign yourself to the fact that one day, they won't be there anymore.  If you didn't know, like it was a baby who died, or if the person died very suddenly, it's horrible.

There have been some days when I really didn't think I would recover.  There have been some people that I have lost who were literally a part of me, and they didn't ever get a chance.  How can you get over a death like that?  I guess the answer is, you don't.  It will get easier, but it will never be okay.

The more I have experienced death, the more I realised that it makes me stronger.  It's still never a nice thing to experience, but honestly, it does get better.

Relationships 101

We've all heard that saying 'you can't love another until you love yourself', right?  I totally agree with the saying - how can you give to someone else when you can't even give to yourself?  It's for this reason that I don't understand why girls (or boys, for that matter), get involved with people when they're not mentally stable.  I know a woman who is completely mentally unstable, thinks of suicide, yet she has recently (within the last year or so) gotten herself involved with a man.  She doesn't seem to see an issue with this at all - I guess she figures that if he fell for her in the first place, he'll probably put up with her crazy.

I do not understand this attitude at all.  Sure, in a relationship you are going to go though good times and bad times, but you do have to be self sufficient to the point that you can carry out a relationship without all your bullshit baggage getting in the way.  

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of baggage.  Probably more than most.  I do my best to keep it under control and out of my relationships.  It's something that I need to deal with in my own time, and it's not fair to ask someone else to deal with it for me.  

I don't think you have to be 100% 'okay' to be in a relationship, whatever 'okay' is.  I just think you need to be mentally healthy enough to be able to look after yourself first, then you can start giving your heart away.

Insomnia

I've written before about my nightmares.  I just woke up after having a nightmare, but today it was different.  I can't sleep, and it's shaken me up a lot.  There's no one here for hugs, so I guess I have nothing to do but write about it.

Sorry if this upsets you. It upset me.

This dream was about me having a child that I instinctively knew was mine, and I was chained in a cage, but the child (maybe 8 years old), was in the room.  I could tell we were underground, and there was a door that I somehow knew led to the stairs out, but it was as if the whole room was upside down (so the bottom of the door was lined up with the ceiling).

The room was filling with water, slowly, like one millimeter at a time.  This stupid child of mine was busy jumping around in puddles, not listening to me trying to teach him to swim.  It's weird how in dreams you just know things - I just knew the room was going to fill with water and I was going to drown, and unless I could teach this kid how to swim, he was going to drown too.  

Clearly, because kids are stupid, he had no idea what was going on, and despite the rapidly rising water (how it was rising rapidly at a millimeter at a time, I have no idea), he wouldn't listen to me trying to teach him to swim.  I remember thinking 'this is why all parents need to teach their kids how to swim, it would stop things like this!' - like that's the sort of thing that happens all the time.  

Anyway, I yelled and screamed and did my best to get his attention, then finally started trying to talk him through 5 years of swimming lessons, starting with floating.  By this stage, I was up to my chest in water, and it was freezing.  I was sort of like Rose from Titanic when she was lying on that door in the ocean.  Except, you know, I was chained in a cage, in a sinking room.  Anyway, somehow this child of mine was managing to float (why wasn't he standing on the top of my cage??), and I was trying to convince him not to be scared of the water.  He was crying and screaming and was clearly not comfortable in the water.

I was panicking too, and freezing, and was trying to force as much information into this kid as I could.  I ended up going under the water, but I was holding my breath and watching him struggle.  I remember thinking that I wished I couldn't hold my breath for 5 minutes, drowning in two minutes would be so much better than struggling and waiting to die for longer than that.

Every 3-4 minutes, a bubble would somehow float past me, and I would manage to breathe it just as I thought I was going to pass out.  In reality, this is impossible (believe me, I've tried), but anything's possible in a dream, I guess.  The room filled and the boy didn't get out.  I watched him struggle and drown, then finally be still and sink.  He landed face down, staring at me on top of my cage, with his eyes open.  As each bubble passed me, he moved a tiny bit, and I thought he was somehow alive.  After what seemed like forever, the bubbles of fresh air started getting smaller and smaller, and further apart.  Eventually, they stopped.

It's always been said that you can't die in a dream, but I die in my dreams without waking up all the time.  It's just how you'd imagine it, first, amazing peace.  After a few minutes of being dream-dead, every single memory I've ever had in my life came rushing back to me, slapping me in the face.  I remembered everything perfectly, and everything hurt.  I could relive all of the worst moments in my life, and somehow, this is what I was doing. 

Somewhere along these worst moments ever that I woke up.  I was up to when I was about 10 or 11 in my memories when I woke up, so I guess that shows how fast your brain can move when you're sleeping, huh?

Now I have every single one of those bad memories of my past as clear as anything in my head.  Every time I close my eyes, I see everything, from what I was wearing to what the weather was like.  It's much harder to deal with real life memories than it is to deal with not fully accurate nightmares like the one I wrote about last time. 

I guess the good thing about this is I know despite my recent memory loss, all of my memories are there, I just need to figure out how to access them.  The bad side is now I'm too scared to go back to sleep.  I don't want to remember.

Happy Valentines Day, suckers.

I alluded yesterday to the fact that I would be doing a Valentines Day post to let you know why I don't like Valentines Day.

Basically, I think Valentines Day is used as an excuse for couples to get rid of all romance out of their relationship and limiting it all to one day so they can get away with not being romantic any other day.  Presents are over priced, and they take no thought - how hard is is to pay $70 for a bouquet of red roses?

That's not to say that I don't like love and romance - of course romance is awesome.  But it's so much more romantic if it's by choice, rather than because every one else does it.

I don't have a problem with people buying into the idea, and if you want to celebrate, by all means, do.  But I really really truly think that the vast majority of women don't actually like all the fuss around Valentines Day - and most men HATE the pressure of having to find something that's the right mix between romantic and thoughtful and generic.  Women get peer pressured into feeling like they need to love Valentines Day, and that if they don't they must be broken or single or resentful, which is totally untrue.

Whether I've been single on Valentines Day or with a partner, I have not celebrated a Valentines day except for the one just before my 14th birthday, when I had my first boyfriend.  It's not because I'm bitter or resentful or angry or anything - I just hate the commercialism aspect of it, and I hate the pressure.

Yes, it's wonderful to feel special, it's fantastic to feel loved, and of course we like feeling like someone's thought of us.  It's pretty hard to argue that we'd feel less special being appreciated on any other day.

I saw a tweet (that I can't for the life of me find again) saying that Valentines Day is where men buy women overpriced flowers in exchange for the possibility of a mediocre blow job.  Well, blow jobs are something we should be giving every day, and so are flowers and kisses and expressions of love.

Love every day, not just because Hallmark tells you to.

In saying that, I received TWO lovely Valentines Day gifts today.  One was from Kylie, who decided that me not liking Valentines Day isn't a reason to not embarras me in Wholly Bagels - thanks hun.

The second was from a random fire fighter, who handed me a red rose this afternoon and simply said, 'Happy Valentines Day'.  It made me smile, and I was very happy.  I walked about another 10m down the road and saw a sad looking man sitting at the bus stop.  I handed him the rose, and said 'Happy Valentines Day'.  It was obviously just what he needed, he smiled, and got up and hugged me and thanked me profusely.  Pay it forward.

Safer sex

There's lots of talk about safe sex, safer sex, protection and all that jazz.  I had a conversation on Twitter yesterday about whether girls would sleep with a man who has slept with a prostitute, and I was surprised to learn that lots of people don't ask their sexual partners about their sexual history and and STI history.  I was glad to see @scuba_nurse has the same standard as I do; no sex with anyone until they have had an STI check and I'm happy with the result (I don't necessarily have to see it, but I have to trust that they're telling the truth).

STIs are a huge issue - 30% of school students in New Zealand have had sex before the age of 15, and only 72% use condoms 'most' of the times they have sex.  We all know that condoms can't prevent all diseases, and there are risks that a condom will break or fall off during sex.  This being said, it's pretty clear that using a condom is better than nothing.

My general rule is no sex without an STI check.  I don't see how more people don't have this rule.  Because I believe so strongly in communication and consent, I just don't see how I can consent to something in an informed manner if I don't know all the facts, and I can't find out all the facts unless I communicate.  I guess lots of people see me as a bit of a stroppy, questioning, headstrong person who asks the difficult questions, so this makes it easier when I do come to ask the tough questions.  I do expect open honestly from my sexual partners, and if they aren't willing to be honest with me or be open about their history in particular, I won't sleep with them.  It really is that simple.

Of course, setting these rules means that I don't have sex when I'm drunk (or at least not the first few times, I've got to admit, drunk sex is pretty cool), or when my decision-making skills are impaired (ie when I'm really tired).  It does somewhat limit what I feel is acceptable to do, but in saying that, I've never had a situation where I said 'no, I've drunk too much and I don't feel comfortable' and the other person has stopped talking to me afterwards.  If you set the standard high and firm from the beginning, you will have less problems.  Promise.

Anyway, there are a few things we often want to prevent when having sex: pregnancy and STIs.  I'm all for double methods of protection (ie the pill and condoms), especially with casual partners.  I'm a firm believer that women need to take change of their own sexual safety; that means demanding that men they are sleeping with use condoms, and not taking no for an answer.  That means having the condom conversation ahead of time, so both of you know the expectations and you can deal with any issues such as latex sensitivity/size issues (I'm serious, some guys don't fit normal sized condoms!).

I know using condoms in a long term/monogamous relationship is a bit of a drag, and that's where fluid bonding comes in.  Fluid bonding basically means that you and your partner are in a position where you know that the other is either STI free or you have the same STI, and you are preventing pregnancy another way (or are happy for pregnancy to occur) - then you can have sex without worrying about body fluids.  The key points with fluid bonding are that you have to be 100% sure that they, and you, are STI free, and you have to use barrier protection (ie condoms, or no sexual contact) with anyone who you are not fluid bonded with.  There can be as many people as you like in your fluid-bonded circle, as long as you are 100% sure of the safety of everyone in your circle.

STI checks shouldn't be some big scary thing that is offensive to ask your partner to get.  You should be getting them every 6 months if you have multiple sexual partners, and every year if you're monogamous, too.  And any partner who refuses is someone you should not be sleeping with.  End of story.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?

Valentines day is coming up.  Don't worry, I'm going to blog specifically about Valentines day, but this has been on my list for a while.  Valentines day brings up lots of stories about romance and love and sex. Well, mostly sex, let's be honest.  But anyway, I've been thinking about love, and what happens when you love someone and they don't love you back, or if you're in a relationship, and you have stronger feelings that the other person. 

First, I guess, how do you know you're in love?  

This quote by Dr Seuss gets tossed around every Valentines day: 

'You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.' 

- Dr. Seuss.

There are some others, too:

"Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me."

- Sarah Bernhardt

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach..."

- Elizabeth Browning

"I find myself speechless,

This feeling of completeness is so strong,

And I was convinced that my heart had reached it's limit,

Until you created this new place in it"

- All Because Of You (lyrics), Celine Dion

In my mind, these quotes don't represent love very well.  Love doesn't have to turn your world upside down or stop you from having the ability to do anything else.  Sure, there may be times where it feels overwhelming and amazing, but most of the time, love sort of creeps up on you and before you know it, you'd rather be with the person than without them, and you can't imagine feeling whole without them.

Love it different for everyone, and every time they fall in love, they will feel differently.  Love is exciting and scary and it makes you feel powerful.  Love isn't unconditional, but it should be without judgement or prejudice.  There's that quote; 'love is never having to say you're sorry'.  I disagree.  Love is saying you're sorry and meaning it, then doing everything you can to stop whatever it is from happening again.  Love isn't about you, love is wanting to make another person's life better, wanting to do everything you can to make that person smile.

Some people fall in love easily.  I often get caught in the trap of feeling like I'm in love when I'm really not.  I think feeling like you're in love is a way of feeling accepted, and I have some abandonment issues, so attaching myself to a person makes me feel less alone.  It's a huge issue that's I've recognised and am working on.  The best thing I've found is to be honest about what I'm feeling.  I've learned that it's actually okay to love someone and tell them I love them, and expect nothing in return.  Sure, you have the risk of rejection and the pain that goes along with it, but without admitting how you feel, how can you address it?

What if you have stronger feelings than the other party?

This is a really really common issue.  I don't think it's actually possible for two people to love each other exactly the same; everyone loves differently, and we really should work on dealing with our pre-conceived notions of 'if he loved me, he'd do this', or 'if she really loved me, she wouldn't say this'.  It's not up to you to dictate how someone else should feel, or how they should act.  You can control your own emotions and actions, but there is nothing in the world that you can do to change someone elses.  

So what can you do if you love someone more than they love you?  Well, there are always the options of  distancing yourself from them so you can fall out of love, becoming involved with someone else to transfer the issue or even trying to convince the other person to love you.  Personally, I think the best option is to just keep loving them on your terms.  That doesn't mean you have to become a creepy stalker or call them 10 times a day.  I don't think you can make yourself fall out of love, and I definitely don't think you can make someone who isn't ready (or who may never be ready) to love you.  

The best thing to do is remember, before this person, you survived.  If it doesn't work out, you'll survive. You're not going to die of a broken heart, and it will be okay.  Give yourself all the space and time you need.  Look after yourself - much like hate is emotionally draining, so is love.  Love is a good emotion, it doesn't have to be creepy, and it doesn't have to be sexual or mean that you have to get married and have babies.  

Think about what it really means.  Is loving someone who doesn't feel the same about you going to make you act any differently to if they reciprocated?  Probably not.  Talk about it (not necessarily with the person you're in love it, although it could be them if they're happy to listen).  Talking seems to make things better.

There's not really a bandaid you can put on your feelings to make them stop or to make you stop hurting, but the best way I have found for dealing with them is to genuinely feel whatever it is that you're feeling.  Do it in short doses, do it when you're exercising or when you're sitting at home alone - whatever works for you.  

So what am I saying?  Basically, we can only control our own feelings, not other peoples.  We are allowed to feel whatever we want - no one can stop us.  We need to make sure that what we're feeling, we're doing in a healthy way (as in, not obsessing).  Allow yourself to love; it can't be nearly as hard as denying yourself.