Earthquakes and other things I hate

Last night, there was a 4.5 earthquake in Wellington.  It was something we all expected after the 6.3 in Christchurch, but understandably, everyone was pretty shaken by it.  It was 40km deep, and about 20km away - but still a decently felt quake.  My first thought was 'that's a big gust of wind' then 'holy shit, how's Christchurch' then 'I want a hug'.  Yes, instead of getting under shelter, I ran for cuddles.  Damn, I would be totally crap in a real emergency!

There was a lot of noise about it on twitter, most people freaking out, then asking 'Chch, are you okay?!'.  It didn't take very long for us to be brought back to reality with Chch experiencing a 4.6, but only 5km deep.  I think it all brought it home to us about how bad it really is for everyone down there.  I think Wellingtonians feel especially deeply for everyone in Chch - we all know that this quake should have been us.  

The thing I hate about natural disasters is that you can't really avoid them.  Most (floods, tornados etc) you can predict, but earthquakes and fires you really can't.  I'm the sort of person who hates being out of control, so not knowing what's going on scares me.  How I avoid that is to learn as much as I can about earthquakes.  I read everything I can about them, from scientific journals to first hand accounts.  I look at quake drums from around the world every day, and follow trends.  I wonder if this makes me sane or insane?  I have to say, the more I know, the more scared I get.  It freaks me out to know that if there was a big one in Wellington, we would literally be cut off from the rest of the country for days, if not weeks.  

So what can I do to not be so freaked out?  I always have my phone on me.  Okay, maybe that's not disaster related, but instead an iPhone obsession.  I can't imagine how scary it would be to not be able to reach your loved ones in a quake.  Well, actually, I'm there right now, so I guess it's like this.  Leaving my phone behind is not something I want to do.  I also have 4 emergency kits at home.  I have LOTS of emergency water, and I store them in different places so that hopefully, not all are destroyed.  

That's pretty much it.  That's not much really, is it? I do two things,, and hope that if an earthquake hits, I'm not trapped under hundreds of kilos of rubble.

It's not only earthquakes I'm scared of.  I have lots of other irrational fears too.  Here are just a few, because we don't have all day:

Spiders. I'm much more scared of small ones that big spiders.  Small ones are so so creepy.

Dentists - Sure, I've had some bad experiences, but I've survived all of them.  I don't know why I'm so freaked out by them.  It's frustrating how scared and pathetic and sweaty I get at the dentist.

Gynaecologists - I think this is pretty common.  There's nothing nice about some random stranger peering at my lady bits, even if it is for my own good.

Heights - well, actually it's not so much heights as it is falling and hitting the ground.  My fear of heights stems from being pushed off high things, and I don't like them anymore.  Sometimes, I even get vertigo looking down, and I'm only 5'1", so it's hardly like I'm ages from the ground!

Hair in my mouth - yes, what you're thinking.  I hate it.  And I don't put up with it, except in very special circumstances.  So if it's you, know that you're special.  I don't even like my own hair in my mouth.  It really creeps me out.  I don't know why it scares me, but it does. It can give me a weird feeling for days!

I am thankful for:

This weekend, my entire family is travelling from all around New Zealand for my grandmother's surprise 70th birthday.  At least, on Tuesday morning, that was the plan.  It's now turned into more of a family get-together to celebrate each other and remember those who we've lost.

I think in times like these, we need to remember the good things in life. 

Here are 10 things I'm thankful for today:

1. having such awesome friends who love me and who care about me.  These guys have been getting me through the last few days, and I really, really couldn't have done it without them.
2. my family, as always, are amazing. Thank you for making my birthday special.
3. music - music has always been important in my life, but in stressful times, I can honestly play for hours and hours and get lost in it
4. the one person who has been able to successfully forget reality for a few hours, and make me feel normal. You know who you are, and I can't thank you enough.
5. Twitter - yes, there has been a lot of misinformation, but there has also been a hell of a lot of great, positive stories that make me feel less helpless
6. the team at Catalyst and all the volunteers who have made www.eq.org.nz.  This is an invaluable resource.
7. kitteh cuddles - they will make you feel a little bit better, no matter what.
8. all of the everyday, unsung heroes who have been doing their bit.
9. the police, fire service, army, council, government and companies who are saving lives
10. all of the other countries in the world who are helping by offering manpower or money.

I'm proud of how well I've handled this so far.  I've had 3 drinks since it happened, and those three weren't all at the same time.  I've been drinking lots of water, which is good.  I haven't been hungry since the quake other than demolishing a 2l tub of ice cream, and other than a couple of bites of food here or there (and some delishous lemon meringue pie), I really haven't wanted to eat.  While it's not affecting me too much, I'm not going to worry.  I will be hungry again, and I'll eat when I'm hungry.

Usually when things happen that upset me that I can't control, I spiral out of control into a depression.  I've been very aware of that this time, and I'm doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen.  I think being on top of how I'm feeling and being honest about it is critical - I can admit to myself I'm feeling down but not allow myself do slip out of control.

To everyone else who's been struggling, it's okay.  However you're feeling is perfectly fine.  Some people aren't upset, some people work through things logically, some people just want to cry.  That's all normal.  You're much better to wear your emotions on the outside right now than trap them inside and let them fester.  Take time out for you.  Switch off the TV and the internet and go for a walk; do whatever you need to that makes you feel okay.  You're not going to feel perfect straight away, but feeling 'okay' is fine too.

What if?

Last night I went to bed hoping that this Christchurch earthquake wasn't real.

What if I woke up, and the earthquake was just a bad dream?

What if I woke up, and I didn't know anyone had died?

What if we had less strict building codes?

What if New Zealand goes bankrupt?

What if things had been different and I was still with my first boyfriend?

What if things had been different 6 years ago?  What would my 6 year old daughter look like today?

What if my dad had died when he had his heart attack?

What if I had decided to go to med school rather than law school?

What if my family had moved to Japan?

What if we had stayed in the US?

What if I had chosen to go to another school?

What if I could cry right now?



I don't know what if.  This is the worst birthday ever.

Feeling helpless

Today, at 12.51pm, a magnitude 6.3 struck Christchurch.  It was 5km deep, and caused major damage.  Like most New Zealanders, I spent the afternoon frantically trying to make contact with friends and family in Christchurch, and watching the live reports unfold on TV and online. 

As with most emergencies, Twitter proved to be a great source of information.  Within literally seconds of feeling the quake myself, I was looking at pictures of the damage.

I can't look at the damage anymore, and I can't think of the dozens of people who have died.  I feel guilty; people in Christchurch don't have a choice but to face it.

Instead of blogging something horrible, or heartfelt, I have instead found pictures of baby animals. Maybe this will take your mind of the horribleness for a few minutes.

Don't forget to tell everyone tonight that you love them.