Safer sex

There's lots of talk about safe sex, safer sex, protection and all that jazz.  I had a conversation on Twitter yesterday about whether girls would sleep with a man who has slept with a prostitute, and I was surprised to learn that lots of people don't ask their sexual partners about their sexual history and and STI history.  I was glad to see @scuba_nurse has the same standard as I do; no sex with anyone until they have had an STI check and I'm happy with the result (I don't necessarily have to see it, but I have to trust that they're telling the truth).

STIs are a huge issue - 30% of school students in New Zealand have had sex before the age of 15, and only 72% use condoms 'most' of the times they have sex.  We all know that condoms can't prevent all diseases, and there are risks that a condom will break or fall off during sex.  This being said, it's pretty clear that using a condom is better than nothing.

My general rule is no sex without an STI check.  I don't see how more people don't have this rule.  Because I believe so strongly in communication and consent, I just don't see how I can consent to something in an informed manner if I don't know all the facts, and I can't find out all the facts unless I communicate.  I guess lots of people see me as a bit of a stroppy, questioning, headstrong person who asks the difficult questions, so this makes it easier when I do come to ask the tough questions.  I do expect open honestly from my sexual partners, and if they aren't willing to be honest with me or be open about their history in particular, I won't sleep with them.  It really is that simple.

Of course, setting these rules means that I don't have sex when I'm drunk (or at least not the first few times, I've got to admit, drunk sex is pretty cool), or when my decision-making skills are impaired (ie when I'm really tired).  It does somewhat limit what I feel is acceptable to do, but in saying that, I've never had a situation where I said 'no, I've drunk too much and I don't feel comfortable' and the other person has stopped talking to me afterwards.  If you set the standard high and firm from the beginning, you will have less problems.  Promise.

Anyway, there are a few things we often want to prevent when having sex: pregnancy and STIs.  I'm all for double methods of protection (ie the pill and condoms), especially with casual partners.  I'm a firm believer that women need to take change of their own sexual safety; that means demanding that men they are sleeping with use condoms, and not taking no for an answer.  That means having the condom conversation ahead of time, so both of you know the expectations and you can deal with any issues such as latex sensitivity/size issues (I'm serious, some guys don't fit normal sized condoms!).

I know using condoms in a long term/monogamous relationship is a bit of a drag, and that's where fluid bonding comes in.  Fluid bonding basically means that you and your partner are in a position where you know that the other is either STI free or you have the same STI, and you are preventing pregnancy another way (or are happy for pregnancy to occur) - then you can have sex without worrying about body fluids.  The key points with fluid bonding are that you have to be 100% sure that they, and you, are STI free, and you have to use barrier protection (ie condoms, or no sexual contact) with anyone who you are not fluid bonded with.  There can be as many people as you like in your fluid-bonded circle, as long as you are 100% sure of the safety of everyone in your circle.

STI checks shouldn't be some big scary thing that is offensive to ask your partner to get.  You should be getting them every 6 months if you have multiple sexual partners, and every year if you're monogamous, too.  And any partner who refuses is someone you should not be sleeping with.  End of story.