PDA is not okay

Okay, so the title to this is a bit misleading.  PDA is cool - totally fine - in some situations, and as long as it isn't a constant thing.  Getting a kiss in public, or seeing people hold hands, or even a quick ass pat or boob grope isn't a problem in the right situation. 

What's the right situation?  Well, I don't have a problem with children seeing two adults touching or kissing in public.  Course, there are limits to that - a full on blow job in public is never going to be okay around children, and blatant dry humping against a fence isn't okay either.  But I don't think it's bad for children to see a couple kissing or holding hands - kids should know that adults are people too, and it's great that they see good, quality relationships among real adults.   

Lots of people are totally against PDA.  Once I turned about 16, I started hating it too -  it seemed petty and gross to me, and I hated imagining what people were doing in private if they were doing that in public.  Maybe that's just me at 16, sex on the brain, but I think that's quite common among that age.  Don't get me wrong, I still did it, I just hated watching other people doing it.  As I've gotten older (and with my birthday coming up very soon - 4 sleeps! - I seriously feel ancient right now), I've sort of changed my mind about it.  There's something cute about seeing the little old lady and her husband of 40 years with hairy ears sitting on a park bench kissing, and seeing a couple pushing a pram together  holding hands almost makes me think that my life wouldn't be totally over if I were to procreate.

So what's my issue with PDA then if I actively engage in it and seeing other people do it makes me mooshy inside?  Well, some people just take it too far.  Take this couple, for example:

On first glance it's super cute.  Awww, look, the guy is totally into her, he's pulling her close and being all romantic and stuff.  Then we look a little bit closer.  Yes, that it a boob grab at the same time.  Well, that's cool.  Maybe they're in their own backyard, or somewhere private?  Nope, they're at Wellington Zoo, on a Saturday.  You know, with all the kids around.  

Okay, so that's not so bad.  Maybe no one's watching (except the super creepy photographer, of course) and maybe he just copped a quick feel.   Maybe it's their anniversary, or something.  Maybe.  Well, you know, it's not.  This is actually about hour number 3 at the zoo.  Hour number 3 of making everyone slightly uncomfortable with their gross touching and kissing and fondling (and I don't use that word lightly, believe me!).  Okay, maybe it wasn't quite as bad as you're imagining, but it was pretty terrible.  In her own words, girly in this picture actually said at some point during the day "I'm surprised we haven't been kicked out yet"*

So when is PDA okay?  When it's infrequent, used sparingly, and not disgustingly disturbuing for everyone within a 50m radius.  It's okay if you're doing it for you, and not for the purposes of making everyone uncomfortable (still not convinced they didn't do it just to make us all cringe, which was remarkably successful if that was the case).  The general rule of thumb is, if you saw your parents doing what you're doing in public, would it make you vom in your mouth?  If the answer is yes, for love of god (yes, with a baby g, because we know he's made up), STOP.

* It is possible she was talking about me at this point, but we'll pretend otherwise as there are no incrimiating photos of me on the internet right now!

Relationships 101

We've all heard that saying 'you can't love another until you love yourself', right?  I totally agree with the saying - how can you give to someone else when you can't even give to yourself?  It's for this reason that I don't understand why girls (or boys, for that matter), get involved with people when they're not mentally stable.  I know a woman who is completely mentally unstable, thinks of suicide, yet she has recently (within the last year or so) gotten herself involved with a man.  She doesn't seem to see an issue with this at all - I guess she figures that if he fell for her in the first place, he'll probably put up with her crazy.

I do not understand this attitude at all.  Sure, in a relationship you are going to go though good times and bad times, but you do have to be self sufficient to the point that you can carry out a relationship without all your bullshit baggage getting in the way.  

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of baggage.  Probably more than most.  I do my best to keep it under control and out of my relationships.  It's something that I need to deal with in my own time, and it's not fair to ask someone else to deal with it for me.  

I don't think you have to be 100% 'okay' to be in a relationship, whatever 'okay' is.  I just think you need to be mentally healthy enough to be able to look after yourself first, then you can start giving your heart away.

Safer sex

There's lots of talk about safe sex, safer sex, protection and all that jazz.  I had a conversation on Twitter yesterday about whether girls would sleep with a man who has slept with a prostitute, and I was surprised to learn that lots of people don't ask their sexual partners about their sexual history and and STI history.  I was glad to see @scuba_nurse has the same standard as I do; no sex with anyone until they have had an STI check and I'm happy with the result (I don't necessarily have to see it, but I have to trust that they're telling the truth).

STIs are a huge issue - 30% of school students in New Zealand have had sex before the age of 15, and only 72% use condoms 'most' of the times they have sex.  We all know that condoms can't prevent all diseases, and there are risks that a condom will break or fall off during sex.  This being said, it's pretty clear that using a condom is better than nothing.

My general rule is no sex without an STI check.  I don't see how more people don't have this rule.  Because I believe so strongly in communication and consent, I just don't see how I can consent to something in an informed manner if I don't know all the facts, and I can't find out all the facts unless I communicate.  I guess lots of people see me as a bit of a stroppy, questioning, headstrong person who asks the difficult questions, so this makes it easier when I do come to ask the tough questions.  I do expect open honestly from my sexual partners, and if they aren't willing to be honest with me or be open about their history in particular, I won't sleep with them.  It really is that simple.

Of course, setting these rules means that I don't have sex when I'm drunk (or at least not the first few times, I've got to admit, drunk sex is pretty cool), or when my decision-making skills are impaired (ie when I'm really tired).  It does somewhat limit what I feel is acceptable to do, but in saying that, I've never had a situation where I said 'no, I've drunk too much and I don't feel comfortable' and the other person has stopped talking to me afterwards.  If you set the standard high and firm from the beginning, you will have less problems.  Promise.

Anyway, there are a few things we often want to prevent when having sex: pregnancy and STIs.  I'm all for double methods of protection (ie the pill and condoms), especially with casual partners.  I'm a firm believer that women need to take change of their own sexual safety; that means demanding that men they are sleeping with use condoms, and not taking no for an answer.  That means having the condom conversation ahead of time, so both of you know the expectations and you can deal with any issues such as latex sensitivity/size issues (I'm serious, some guys don't fit normal sized condoms!).

I know using condoms in a long term/monogamous relationship is a bit of a drag, and that's where fluid bonding comes in.  Fluid bonding basically means that you and your partner are in a position where you know that the other is either STI free or you have the same STI, and you are preventing pregnancy another way (or are happy for pregnancy to occur) - then you can have sex without worrying about body fluids.  The key points with fluid bonding are that you have to be 100% sure that they, and you, are STI free, and you have to use barrier protection (ie condoms, or no sexual contact) with anyone who you are not fluid bonded with.  There can be as many people as you like in your fluid-bonded circle, as long as you are 100% sure of the safety of everyone in your circle.

STI checks shouldn't be some big scary thing that is offensive to ask your partner to get.  You should be getting them every 6 months if you have multiple sexual partners, and every year if you're monogamous, too.  And any partner who refuses is someone you should not be sleeping with.  End of story.