Actually, after writing that intro, and talking to Kassh, I've decided not to write it. It's not worth ruining anything over, and I'm enjoying what I have right now. This might seem like a bit of a cop-out, and to be honest, it is. But telling the world before the person goes against my whole 'communication in relationships' rule - and that's the out I'm using here. If you really respect a person, no matter what it is you have to tell them, good or bad, it should be face to face. I was going to by text, but that's a terrible idea. There are some things you don't do via text, like telling someone you're pregnant or breaking up with them (I'm neither, to be clear).
I guess this would lead into a good post about respect and relationships, and the link between communication and respect. This segue is awesome, go me!
So, what do I think about respect? There's that general adage that respect should be earned, and I totally agree with that. However, I also think that we as humans have a responsibility to respect other people as people - even if we don't like them. This means that we have to respect women and children and murderers and rapists. Everyone is somebody's baby, even if we don't like what they have done. That doesn't mean that we need to respect them as anything more than a person, it just means that we have to treat them like people. On top of that, people can earn our respect by doing special things. I sort of think of it like a kid's sticker chart, except way cooler because I got to colour it in myself. What they can do to earn respect varies from person to person.
For me, a big part of respect is someone respecting me. It sounds circular and silly, but if someone respects the things that I do and the reasons why I do them, I will respect them a lot more than if they either don't care, or worse, actively discourage me from doing what I do. I think respect in relationships is super important. Too many people seem to forget that their partners are, before everything, people. You wouldn't scream abuse at a person on the street, and you probably also wouldn't yell profanities at a person on the bus, so why is it somehow okay to treat your partner like that? You also wouldn't just totally ignore the girl at the library counter if she said something you didn't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand getting angry and frustrated with your partner. However, has yelling ever solved a problem? Has shutting down and ignoring the person you have the issue with ever actually fixed anything?
I'm a firm believer that communication is the keystone to a relationship - and also, that yelling isn't communication. I think that if there are issues, they should be talked about. I've been in a relationship with someone who, when he got annoyed, would totally shut down and refuse to discuss the issue, or anything else, for that matter. It would drive me insane; personally, I hate going to bed angry, and I find it really hard to let go without discussing the issue and 'kissing and making up' so to speak. I would never be with a guy who shut down like that again. It sent me into a bit of a depression because I felt like I was being ignored. Now I realise that it was just his way of dealing with it, but it would have been much better for both of us if he were to say 'I'm angry, I'm not discussing this now, we can talk about it in 2 hours'.
I've never been with someone who yelled at me. I don't do yelling very well, it makes me cry. I think a guy who yelled at me would be a deal-breaker. There's no excuse for it. My aunty used to be terrible at yelling at my uncle and her children. She didn't do it because she was a horrible person, she did it because it was the only way she thought they would listen. My grandmother sat down one day with her and told her what she was doing. She took it to heart, and it took a while, but she very rarely yells. Maybe that would work in other relationships also, but it's not something I'm willing to be involved in.
I think conflict is totally normal. People will never agree on everything, and no one should have to go along with everything their partner says just to prevent conflict. The issue lies in ensuring that conflict is dealt with in the right way; that is, with respect for the other person. If I respect you enough to kiss you and spend time with you or live with you or sleep with you, I respect you enough to make the effort to treat you and your opinions with respect. Sometime's it's hard, sure. But there is never an excuse for belittling your partner. The way you show respect is through the way you communicate with someone.
Whenever I'm really really frustrated with someone I love, I take a second to remember why I love the person, and think about how they make me happy. It might not work for you, but it works for me. If I'm really really frustrated, I'll put myself in time out. Sometimes having a shower or sitting outside or going for a drive can take the anger out of the situation. Remember, anger is your problem, no body else's.
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