S&M - Rihanna - my views

Okay, I've spent most of my Saturday morning watching the Rihanna video, and I've decided I have more to say.

Here's the video if you haven't seen it.

It seems that most people don't like it because it's 'too racy' and 'too close to pornography'.  

Rihanna has said about the video:  “S&M is not about sex, well it’s about metaphorical sex".  This sort of annoys me.  I think it's a huge misconception that people have about BDSM in general - that it's about sex.  For those of you who don't know, BDSM is a shorthand representation for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism.  BDSM doesn't have to be about sex - sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't.  

For example, for me, sometimes spanking is sexual, and sometimes it's just a great bonding experience or stress relief.  The same goes for submission - sometimes it's about the power dynamic in a sexual relationship, but often times it's about putting the person I am submitting to first - thinking of him or her needs before my own.  The same goes for masochism (pleasure from receiving pain).  It doesn't have to necessarily be sexual pleasure, although often, it is.  A lot of people in BDSM scenes engage in power play/bondage/discipline without any sexual contact.

Besides, even if the video is about sex, what's the big deal?  Sex is natural, and just because BDSM is not something you're into doesn't mean it's not a legitimate thing that others can safely enjoy. 

There are two issues that I have with the video. 

At 0.42 seconds into the music video, a newspaper headline type thing scrolls across the screen saying 'Daddy issues?'.  

I think this gives the impression to viewers who don't know anything about BDSM that in order to be into 'chains and whips', you need to have some sort of sexual imbalance; that there must be something wrong with you.  This is totally the wrong impression to be giving.  Most people, kinky or not have some issues.  However, having an interest in BDSM doesn't mean that you have a warped view of sex; in fact, I would argue that people who are into power play and sadomasochism are aften much more sure about their likes, dislikes and limits than vanilla folk.  This is because it's so much more important when you're deal with kink; if you don't have limits and make them known, there is the risk of injury, so it's something you have to be very clear about in your head.  


The other issue is the world 'slut' which is written down by one of the reporters, and is plastered on her dress.  Just because you're into BDSM doesn't mean you sleep around or any of the other negative connotations that go along with the word slut.  Liking being spanked or tied up or dominated (or conversely, liking spanking people, tying people up or dominating them) doesn't make you a sexual devient, and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you.

"Sexual deviancy", in my mind, involves non-consensual play - something that is frowned upon by the vast majority of the BDSM community.  Of course, there is such a kink as 'consensual non-consent', which is a different story all together (think forced sex, rape play, punishments), but because it's consensual, it's no longer deviancy.  

The second issue I have is at 2m 15s, you see Rihanna tied up on the floor, wearing a white polka dotted leotard and pastel shoes with her hair in pigtails.  

My issue isn't with the fact that she's tied up (although the rigging is mediocre at best), it's more the fact that she looks and is dressed so young.  I really, really hate the sexualisation of tweens - kids should be innocent.  Rihanna's target audience young adults (16-25ish), but the reality is that 10-15 year olds are still listening and watching her music and videos.  I think celebrities should be aware of the reality that while they sexualise themselves at whatever age they are, by dressing younger than they are (like in this case, Rihanna dressed and looking much more like a 14 year old than the 22 year old she is), they are sexualizing children.

I think it would have been totally different if she was wearing, say, a diaper, because any viewer would clearly be able to see at a glance that it's just play - she isn't a baby.  However, a quick glance, if you didn't know who the singer was, could give you the impression that the girl tied up actually was a 14 year old, and that's where the sexualisation is.




A video that I can more readily see an issue with is the video for Destination Unknown.

This video is clear sexualisation of women.  It is reducing women to a collection of body parts (ass, lips, legs, boobs).  Personally, it doesn't bother me at all; ass and boobs are amazing, and we should celebrate them.  However, I can see the other side of the argument that women are much more than just a body.  I do think that there's a hell of a lot more to argue about this video than S&M by Rihanna.

What's coming up, and a video.

Okay, I'm really not in a blogging mood today, and I think I just need to bite the bullet and admit that sometimes, I just don't have it in me to write anything.  

I do have lots and lots and lots of ideas, but I'm really just not feeling like I'm going to give them justice tonight.  

So, here are some up and coming blog posts:

• Two doms, 1 sub - how does it work?
• Are young women wasted on young men?
• Equality in relationships - what happens if one person loves the other more?
• NZDating and why you shouldn't go near it, even with a HAZMAT suit.
• Why I have to conquer each of my fears.
• Why pain makes you stronger, and why it's okay to admit that you're scared.
• How volunteering is actually a selfish thing, and why I do it.

Okay, this was something I left off this post about taboos; how you tell someone they're smelly.  

I sort of feel like this is a bit of a trick question.  Clearly, it depends on who you're telling.  If it's a homeless person on the street, for example, why would you even bother?  A co-worker, you're probably going to want to be subtle and polite when bringing it to their attention, and if that fails, buy them deodorant and get incense for your desk.  Room spray would help too, you can spray it when they come near.  Offer them breath mints if that's the issue, and ask them if you smell, too.  It's a bit passive aggressive, but they will get the message.

A partner is a bit of a different story.  You're probably not going to want to hurt their feelings, so you need to be a bit delicate about the situation if you don't already have good, free flowing communication.  I've never really been in a situation where I didn't have good enough communication with someone I was sleeping with that I couldn't say 'babe, you need to brush your teeth/have a shower'.  I think that if the communication wasn't in a place where I could say that, I'd probably tell a little white lie and say that I was worried about my breath/BO, and that I was implementing a new rule were we both had to brush our teeth and shower before sex.  

Sure, it takes away the spontaneity of sex, but will also get rid of the odor issue.  I think once you have good communication channels, then you can be pretty blunt about it.  Sure, you need to be careful that you're not doing in a way that offends them - the starting point is that you're talking about something that's traditionally embarrassing, so you've got to be a bit sneaky about the way you approach it.  I think I would use the 'I love how you taste right after you've brushed your teeth' line, or 'you're delicious straight out of the shower'.  That shifts the focus away from them, and more onto you.  And it's not a lie, who doesn't love a body fresh out of the shower?

I'm going to leave with a little rant about a video.

This is S&M by Rihanna.  It has been banned in 11 countries because the video shows a latex clad Rihanna whipping a restrained man.  Apparently, it's 'too close to pornography'.  I have seen a lot of porn, and considering there's no nakedness, no hint that anyone is there against their will, and is less sexual, IMO, that something like Satisfaction, I think the whole thing is a bit ridiculous. 

I think the issue people have with S&M (the video and actual SM) is that it's something they don't understand.  People fear what they don't know, so people are going a bit overboard and banning it.  


The lyrics aren't exactly amazing, either. 

"Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it 

Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it 

Sticks and stones may break my bones 

But chains and whips excite me "

Today I woke up

Today I woke up feeling depressed. Not that sad feeling you sometimes get when you break a nail or forget to set your alarm, but full blown too-empty-to-get-out-of-bed depressed. I'm lucky, it doesn't happen often, doesn't typically last long, and usually, I recognize it early enough to nip it in the bud before it takes over.

There doesn't necessarily have to be a trigger for it, although, in this case, there was. I find a really great way to make myself feel better is to clean while listening to music. It's a pretty awesome outlet; my house gets cleaned, and in the process, my soul gets cleaned too. It's win-win.

While I was on my mad cleaning spree, I listened to and watched the video for Fuckin Perfect by Pink. It helped me to remember that no matter how awful things are right now, there's a possibility that tomorrow isn't going to be so bad. And that no matter how bad things get, there are billions of people in the world; one of them HAS to love me. It's simple statistics.

When it's bad, remember that it's not always going to be bad. When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. And up is pretty cool sometimes. : )