Rate My Ass.com

Tonight, a guy and I went on an amazing, romantic*, couple** date*** and did lots of firsts together(4*).  We first went to an amazing play(5*), then for a stroll along the waterfront(6*).  We had an amazing, candlelit dinner alone in a 5 star restaurant(7*), then retired to our expensive hotel room with starched white sheets and red rose petals scattered around the room(8*).  We made love in the moonlight(9*) then, as we lay in each others arms staring adoringly into each others eyes(10*), he told me my ass was a 6/10.

A SIX out of TEN!?  What the FUCK?  It gets worse.  How, I hear you asking?  Well, he said I have wide hips.  And said that my ass is pointy.  Pointy?  And that I'm short and stocky.  While these things are technically true, it's not really something a girl likes to hear, especially on a date***.  For about 12 seconds, it did make me question myself(11*).  Maybe my ass IS pointy?  Maybe the short and stocky thing is a bit much, maybe I should to go Thailand and get my legs broken and stretched so I can be 1.5cm taller.  Maybe I need to stop eating, and get an ass implant so I have a big juicy JLo ass?  

Then (thankfully, I really don't have money for all this plastic surgery), I remembered that I'm actually pretty happy with my body.  Sure, it's not perfect, but it is functional, and while there are some things that I'm slowly changing (mostly by running - not intentionally), I am proud of my battle scars and muscles - even if they do make my ass pointy!  

All I can say is that this guy is very very lucky that I'm not like a lot of girls I've met, who would positively self destruct upon hearing this sort of criticism.  We girls, generally as a species(12*), don't take criticism well, and we do it even less well when it's about our physical selves.  Maybe boys shouldn't comment on our bodies?  I sort of think that's silly - our bodies are a pretty big part of us (you know, like ALL of us), and we should be able to be honest about it, especially with our partners**.

I know it's scary to open yourself up to criticism.  I do, I get that.  Even though I'm pretty happy with myself (lol at my ego!), I do know that feeling you get when you ask someone a question like 'does my ass look gigantic in this?' or 'does this bra make my boobs look old-lady-ish?' and expect them to be honest.  It's terrifying.  But it is good for us.  We should know our 'faults' (although, to be clear, I actually LOVE my ass, and I would give it at the very least a 7.5/10!) - but we should take them with a grain of salt.

Knowing the guy who told me this, and knowing his 'perfect girl-ass', I know that my pathetic, wide hips would never be able to seriously compete.  And you know what, I'm okay with that.  He obviously sees something else in me that he likes, what to take me on such a romantic* date***, so who cares if my ass is only a 6/10.  A fucking six.

To the dude:

In the interests of fairness (and maybe to invoke a teeny bit of fear into you), I've decided to share some thoughts about your body with you.  And the internet.  Yes, on my blog.  That's what you get for giving me a 6/10, interrupting robot.  Luckily for you (sorry, internet), my mummy told me (she tells me lots of things, and I'm sure she'd be super proud of me for this) that if I didn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all.  I'm not good about not saying anything at all, so all I'll say is you have a nice ass.  8/10 (13*).

* no romance was involved

** we're not a couple

*** I'm pretty sure it wasn't a date

4* we actually only did one first, and I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear about that

5* well, okay, no play, but more, a movie.  It was an Oscar winning movie, if that makes it slightly more classy?

6* we didn't so much go for a stroll, but to be fair, he did get out of the car when we were within approximately 100m from the ocean, but admittedly for less than 5 seconds

7* burger king, but we were the only people there

8* this might be a total figment of my imagination

9* this is a blatant lie, I can't actually believe you guys are still reading this crap!

10* lol, who does that?

11* at this point, I'm just trying to make the guy feel bad.  I hope he knows that I'm actually only joking.  Maybe he would if he wasn't such an interrupting robot...

12* I do know that girls and boys are the same species, but it works better than gender here

13* I hope I get brownie points for this (14*)

14* it is actually true.