Once a cheater, always a cheater

I pride myself on honest and communicating in a relationship, but I'm going to be honest, it hasn't always been like this. I've never really been a liar, although, when I tell you this next story, you might not believe me. Lying makes me feel physically sick, I hate not telling the truth and I think that not telling is just as bad as outright lying. But that doesn't mean I've never lied.

The first lie I ever told was to my parents. One night we had pizza for dinner, which was a big treat. I was probably about 3, or maybe 4. It was before my brother was born, anyway. I was feeling sick, I think I had a tummy bug or something, but I desperately wanted pizza and ice cream, so I remember not telling my parents that I was feeling sick because they wouldn't have let me eat pizza. I remember being totally full, but wanting ice cream so bad. Mum told me that I had to eat ALL of my pizza before I could have ice cream, so I put the pizza in my mouth and went to the bathroom, and spat it out in the toilet.  

I remember mum asking if I had eaten it, and I said yes, knowing that I was lying.  I'm a terrible liar, and mum's always known that.  I have no doubt in my mine that she knows I was lying, but I think she didn't call me out on it because she knew my own guilt would eat me alive.  And she was right, it only took about 3 days before the guilt got too much for me and I woke up crying in the middle of the night to confess my sins.

Anyway, that's not the story that will make you not believe me.  Once, I cheated on a guy.  Even then I was totally against it, and I knew it was wrong.  It's not an excuse, but it's hard to break up with someone when you have as much history as we did - we were (and still are) bonded forever.  I fell for a guy who was going out with my friend at the time.  She wasn't a close friend; we went to primary school together, and she was my best friend there.  One day, she stopped coming to school, and I found out about year later that she had changed schools and never told me.  She went to a school close to mine, and we occasionally passed each other in the street.  Maybe the cheating was partially getting back at her for that, not that it's an excuse.  I knew they were together, and while I didn't exactly seduce him, I didn't reject his advances either.  We were 16 and young and stupid and we thought we were in love.  Maybe we were in love.

We had sex, and started hanging out every day.  It eventually got to the point where we wanted to be together publicly, and we knew that it would come out.  I told my boyfriend, who, unknown to me, was actually friends with the other guy's girlfriend.  He told her, and one morning, the whole thing blew up.  I never lied to him about it, but I also didn't tell the truth.  He was more disappointed than angry, I think. We both knew out relationship was over, and had been for a while, but it was still a breach of trust.  The whole time it was going on (about 3 months) I felt guilty.  There were times I would see them together, and it was exciting having a secret that was just ours.  I've always liked the late night texts and sneaky phone calls, so a secret relationship is right up my alley.  

It might come as a bit of a surprise, but I am a very good secret keeper.  Despite the amount I share on my blog/in twitter/at lunch, I am actually very good about keeping things private.  I probably could have kept this private relationship going on for months and months without letting anything slip - although the guilt would have eaten me alive.  

For about two weeks after we went public and broke up with our respective boyfriends and girlfriends, it was drama after drama.  The friend who I literally hadn't spoken to in 6 or 7 years was suddenly my 'best friend' that I had betrayed, and my ex and I were somehow re-engaged (despite having decided that we were not going to get married anymore) and had planned our wedding date.  People everywhere (my school, the boy's school, her school, our respective sports teams) took sides, and it eventually ended in her sending me death threats, then sleeping with my ex to get back at me.  In the meantime, the secret guy and I carried on our relationship, although we decided we didn't want anything official.  We ended up together about a year later, and have spent 5 years together.

Cheating isn't something I've ever been able to forgive myself for.  There are still times where I feel guilty and disappointed that I didn't have the guts to leave the relationship sooner.  I feel bad that I upset her relationship, and also sad that I betrayed my ex.  However, all four of us are quite happy now.  She lives in Napier with her long term boyfriend, he lives in Christchurch with his girlfriend of two years.  The guy and I are best friends, and live together.  

Cheating probably doesn't always have this outcome.  I don't know why it worked out this way for us, and despite the 'happy ending' in this situation, it's not something I would ever condone.

The other thing I can't condone is people who encourage cheating.  I've blogged about it before; situations where one party know the other is in a relationship and still gets involved.  It's not as bad as the cheater, I think, but it is still bad - and dishonest - especially if you know the partner of the person you are cheating with.  I think people who knowingly get involved with someone who's cheating delude themselves into thinking 'oh, he'll leave her for me' or 'I'll never fall for him'.  It's stupid, and dangerous.  

There is that saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'.  I'm not sure I believe this is the case always - people can change.  But I do think that if you cheat and get away with it with minimal or no heartbreak, you'll be more likely to try it again.  Let's face it, a new relationship is exciting.  All of those 'firsts' are new and exciting and fantastically fresh.  You feel special and appreciated, and it's a very addicting feeling.  And no matter how hard we try, over time, relationships do get comfortable and things get more mundane - it's hard to keep that spark in a relationship (and this is where exciting sex comes in, for me, anyway).  It makes sense that we want something new.  

People in long term relationships who are very, very lonely are very common.  The reality is, you spend all this time together, and you forget to talk.  You sleep with each other every night, but most of the time, you stop having sex as often, or you do it, but you just go through the motions rather than have that exciting sex in the car/on the beach/on the couch/on the living room floor against the coffee table.  And once that excitement is gone, it's really  hard to get back.  I don't have the answers.  I've ended relationships because the sex wasn't as often/good enough as I wanted.  Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't get the spark back, and you can't make it exciting anymore.  I think that's the time to leave.