What is 'safe, sane and consensual'?

After some discussion on twitter, IM and email, it has come to my attention that many people don't know what this phrase means in BDSM circles, so I thought I'd give you my take on it.

Basically, any kink/fetish is okay as long as it can be justified under all three categories of 'safe, sane and consensual'. So, as long as you are engaging in the act in a safe manner, you are sane (not under the influence of drugs/alcohol) while doing it, and you are doing it with fully consenting adults, your kink is reasonable. This of course, doesn't mean that what you're into is going to be liked or even respected by everyone; there are lots of people out there who think than safe, consensual bondage is totally wrong. For example, I'm not into needle play. But that doesn't mean that it's not safe for someone else - or even for me if I were to consent to it.

There is another, similar one; RACK - risk aware consensual kink. I think I like this one better because depending on the kink, it's not always possible to be totally, 100% safe, but you should be aware of the risks and do what you can to minimise them (ie, wear condoms, have a knife handy in case you can't undo the ropes etc).

This safe, sane, consensual/RACK mantra is pretty well known in the kink world, and I wonder why it isn't more widely followed in the vanilla world too. I can't help but think that sex would be much safer in general if people followed the same system. The other thing that's super important is that kink shouldn't be imposed on anyone who isn't into it. People should have the choice to be involved or not involved through consent, not by accident.

Of course, like in any other community, there are people in the kink world who don't follow the 'rules' - they go too far, or do things without the full consent of their partners. The good think about the community is that in lots of ways, it's a self-regulating community because it's reasonably small. News about people doing dangerous things in the community (be it failing to respect someone's limits, rape, going too far etc) travels. It's always a good idea to talk to people in the community to see if anyone's heard anything about the person you're interested in getting involved with. It's sort of like how you'd google a vanilla partner to make sure they weren't a freak, or married or whatever.

So, that said, SSC and RACK are good rules to live by, even if you're not into kink. The basis for both, and the basis you ideally would have in any relationship is communication - in kink/bdsm/dom-sub situations, this is even more important because you're potentially trusting this person with your life.

I do think that might be why relationships based on or including kink or bdsm particularly are so intense and often last the long haul; there is a whole lot of trust involved, and in order to get to a place where you're willing to put that much trust in a person, you need to have open lines of communication, especially mid-scene. That's where safewords, if you choose to use one, and non-verbal communication come into play. Non-verbal communication isn't something that you know straight away, that takes time. Just like you might know your vanilla partner had a bad day because of they way they walk, talk or cross their arms, you might know your dom is not comfortable through similar clues, or that your sub is not coping by listening to him or her breathe.

Just like there's no right or wrong way to have a friendship or vanilla relationship, there's no wrong way to have a kink/bdsm/sub-dom relationship either, however, it is pretty important that you make sure you stay safe, talk about what you're going to be doing and your limits, and make sure that everyone has actively consented.