My Kind Samaritan

Today I got bad news piled on bad news, then more bad news.  I could feel myself sliding into a depression; one that I've been working my ass off to stay out of for the last few months.  Once you've been diagnosed with a 'mental disorder' (in my case, bipolar and schizophrenia - is anyone surprised, even for a second?) you have a few options: do nothing, and get trapped in it's vicious cycle, some sort of counselling, with or without drugs, or learn to read your moods and deal with them.  Clearly, the first and last options aren't widely promoted, and they can be very dangerous. 

I chose the last option.  I don't really trust psychiatrists or physiologists; my cousin, who was my idol and my best friend committed suicide after being taken off her drugs prematurely.  It was horrible to watch her slip deeper and deeper, and eventually never resurface.  And the aftermath literally tore apart my family.  The times I have been to psychiatrists, they've wanted to drug me on everything from prozac to lithium.  I can't do that; I can't live in that foggy mess.  I'd rather feel everything and hurt, than feel nothing at all.  And I don't like talking about my 'problems' to people I don't know.  It doesn't help - it helps a lot more when I bring things up in my own time, and I can deal with it when I want to, rather than in a 90 minute session once a week on a Thursday at 4.15pm.

I'm not really one for ignoring things, so I have made it my goal to live happily with these 'disorders' (funny, because they actually have made me very orderly and organised!).  How it works basically is I had to learn my triggers.  I had to know what it feels like to slip into that black hole, and to pull myself back out.  I had to learn what the highs felt like, and learn to ride them out without doing anything reckless or dangerous.  The schizophrenia has been the hardest to deal with; it happens almost randomly; I don't need to be in a certain mood, and I know when it happens that no matter what, I have to get around people as soon as I can; it's the only thing that can 'save' me.  

To people who have depression or bipolar or whatever, don't think that just because this works for me, it will work for you.  It's not for everyone, and I'd even argue that for most people, it isn't safe.  For me though, it's my only option, and I have no choice but to make it work.

Anyway, tonight when I felt myself teetering on the edge, I knew I had to do something.  Usually, I have two options; I can ride out the low, and remind myself every 5 minutes that I will survive, or I can pull myself out.  It's sort of like ripping off a bandaid, only harder, and more painful.  The issue with riding it out is sometimes it can take weeks, and with my workload at university, I really can't deal with that right now.  Tonight, I went for a run.  I know that exercising to the point of mental exhaustion will fix it.  I put on loud dance music, and ran up the highest, steepest hill in my area.  Eventally, I ended up down by the water.

I sat here for about 10 minutes, and cried.  They were tears of anger, fear, frustration, and exhaustion.  After a while, a man walked from around the corner (I was on the other side of a train bridge, hidden from the road and cars and people), and simply sat down beside me.  He put his arm around me and said 'No matter what it is, it will be okay.  You can get through this.'  We sat like this for maybe another 5 minutes, then I started to feel all of the pain and anger and desperation was much more manageable.  It's not gone, but I can get through it.  I thanked him, and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and told me to 'run safely'.  

This man, who I have never seen before and will probably never see again, saved me tonight.  I'm not going to be all dramatic and say I would have committed suicide, because that's a blatant lie; I wouldn't.  But he did save me from sinking into a pit of nothing; he literally pulled me from hell.  How can you ever thank a stranger who does something like that?  I guess the answer is, pay it forward.  There's probably nothing I will ever to do repay him, but I can repay my debt to the world by helping others.  

Remember, sometimes, little words that you say to strangers might mean the most to them.  The fact is, someone I don't know just told me they believe in me, and today, that has literally changed my life.  Be kind to others, love your neighbour, smile to people in the street you don't know.  You never know who you might be helping, or what's behind their smile.

Running and weightloss

So after some issues with a broken shoulder, I've finally reached that point in my C25K journey.  My next run will be my 'graduation run' - the very last run I need to do to complete the program.

If you had asked me on the 12 October 2010, the day I started the program, if I thought I would complete it, my answer would have been no.  If you had asked me any time in November if I thought I would finish it, my answer still would have been no.  In fact, if you had asked me in December, I would have said no.  Really, it's only been the last couple of weeks that I've considered myself a 'runner'.  I don't exactly know what that means for everyone else, but for me, being a runner is having that craving to run, and going, 'you know what, I'm going for a run'.

I am so, so proud of myself, both for finishing the program (well, nearly) and for how far I've come in the last few months.  I never ever thought I could bring myself to like running.  I used to watch people running, and they would look so peaceful and happy, and I never thought that I could be that person.

Running by numbers:

• I started W1D1 on 12 October 2010.  I will be completing my graduation run tonight, 24 January 2011. That means it has taken me just under 15 weeks to complete the 9 week program.
• I didn't run for 4 weeks when my shoulder was really painful.
• I lost 16kg during that period.
• I lost 37cm over my calves, thighs, hips, waist, boobs and arms.

Blogs along the way:

• Day one
• Day two
• Day three
• Week two - motivation issues
• Starting to take it seriously - I signed up to be a Heart Racer for the NZ Heart Foundation for AMI Round the Bays.  I'd still really appreciate any donations, and thanks lots to everyone who has already donated.
• Week 7 - an update on how things were going.

Would I recommend the C25k program?
Absolutely, unreservedly.  Anyone can do this.  Anyone.

The first week I started, I thought the program was okay.  I got through week one pretty easily, then week two was really really hard.  Week 4 was another challenge, and W5D3, a 20m jog with no intervals was hard.  W6D3 was the end of intervals, and in retrospect, it was here that I started feeling like a 'real' runner.

What's next?
I am going to do the One Hour Runner program next. It's based on one long run a week, and two shorter runs. The aim was to have the OHR program completed or mostly completed before the AMI Round the Bays, but this clearly isn't going to happen any more. I'm not too worried.



Thank you so much to my twitter family for supporting me though this whole journey, I really could have done it without you.  Congratulations also to @the_liberator, who's doing really really well with the program - today he ran 5k!!! Also to all of your who are at your various stages of your journey, please comment or tweet @ me and I'll add you to my baby wall of fame :)

The Wall of Fame:
@the_liberator
@MissNickiBee

Camping, day two, version 2.

This is the second part of my day today, as the first blog was so long.

Part of my plan coming camping was to get back into the routine of running everyday. I was doing great with the C25k program, but when I hurt my shoulder, I had to cut back. My shoulder is now getting better (or I'm just getting better with the pain), so I'm back to running but about 2 weeks behind. I'm finding it hard to get back into it, and I'm almost considering going back a couple of weeks to ease back into it.

Tonight was the first time I have ever run in the rain. I ran down from DeBretts and down the lake edge.




Everyone seems to love running in the rain, but I'm not so sure. Running was also pretty painful because my bra rubbed on my sunburn. Ouch. The back of my calves are also burned :(


After my run and dinner, we went to the geothermal pools at DeBretts. The water is magical, it seems to be able to cure sunburn overnight. It hurts like a mofo when you get in, but once you're wet, the pain goes away and it feels much better. On the walk down the hill is this pretty waterfall.



This is the pool.



You can't see too much in these shots, but the top pool (closest) is very hot, then the pool on the other side of the waterfall (under the bridge) is cooler, but still geothermal, so you can't put your head under (there's a risk of meningitis). There are also 2 chlorinated spa pools that are cooler than the geothermal pools, and a cold, chlorinated kids pool. The slide is chlorinated (and pretty cold!). There is also a BBQ area, and a water play area for kids. There are private pools that are quite hot, and a day spa that do fantastic massages. I should get one while I'm here.

I also got this super sexy orange wristband. This gives me entry into the pools, private pools and slide. The slide was very fun, but I don't remember it being such a trek up all the stairs when I was younger!