Yesterday, I asked for suggestions on what I could blog about. @honorarykiwi suggested blogging about my 'feelings about my new-found status as Twitter's go-to source for fetish and sex information'.
I think it's sort of a weird thing to happen. I'm totally happy to share my knowledge and opinions, and I'm also happy to talk to people who are interested in what I have to share. I'm definitely not a perfect source of information, there are lots and lots of people out there with way more experience than I have. I do have a bit of a weird obsession with thinking things through, probably too much. There are some people out there who can attest to that and it was evidenced in my blog about relationships.
I guess the biggest thing about why people are happy with sharing things with me is that I don't judge them for their preferences. It's not my place to do that, and it's honestly none of my business. I don't like the thought that other people judge me for my choices, so I need to set the example by not judging others. It's a very freeing way to interact with people, if you haven't done it before, I would recommend trying it. The next time someone says something that seems really strange or foreign to you, instead of allowing judgement to be the first things that jumps into your head, instead, relate the thing to you somehow. It doesn't matter if you have to come up with something totally tangential, what matters is that you have some way to relate to this person.
If you see the person as similar to you, judgement falls aside, and the focus is on empathy. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with their thoughts, just recognise that their opinion or thoughts are valid. You don't have to agree with their thoughts, you just have to recognise that they deserve an opinion, just like you.
Showing posts with label ponderings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ponderings. Show all posts
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What's in a name?
I've been talking to someone lately about relationships. I've never really thought about the definition of a relationship, or the transition between friends, people who have sex, boyfriend/girlfriends, couples, married people or any of the other permutations of relationships.
It's never been something I've had to think about before. When I was at school, relationships went like this:
It was blissfully simple, until someone got ‘dumped’, after which you swore off boys, cried yourself to sleep and listened to emo music. The next weekend, you would go out with your girlfriends and perve at hot boys, all the whole declaring that boys were stupid, and it’s way more fun to be single.
Of course, the next week you were back to being on the prowl for that new, perfect guy who will complete your life, for the next few weeks, at least. It's all very emotional and exciting and new - perfect romance.
I've discovered that when you're a real live adult, things don't work like that anymore. Nothing is that simple. People have other obligations outside of their one relationship. They can't spend all their time at school with their friends, so they have to see them in their 'own' time. They have to go to work. They have families, and responsibilities. They have hobbies outside of you. You actually are not the centre of the world.
And adult relationships aren't usually intended to be a week long. Most are developed over time, and are based on mutual trust and respect. They are, by design, intended for the long haul, or at least could potentially be a long term commitment, unless there is an express agreement to the contrary. That means that in adult relationships, that initial period of excitement and drama and newness is relatively short lived; there has to be more to the relationship that romance - you know, some sort of emotional attraction.
I don't understand how you move between stages. I really really don't. Is it a big thing to be in a relationship like it was when I was 15, or is it normal to just slide between stages? Do girls care more than boys? I feel like I'm a lot more interested in the transition and movement between stages than the guy I've been talking to about it. Is that 'I'll know it when it happens' attitude just a boy thing, or should I just go with the flow more? I think the reason I care is purely academic; I do much better with cold hard facts than I do with emotions and feelings - and it's something new that I've never experienced before.
The other thing is, what do you call two people who are ‘dating’ or ‘going out’ when they’re adults? At what point do they move from the 'friends' level to 'dating', or 'being in a relationship'? And how does that happen? Who asks who? Is it just something that happens once you have sex 12 times, and boom, you're in a relationship, or do you have to sit down and talk about it? What about people who choose not to have sex before marriage or for whatever other reason?
I'm very confused about the whole relationship thing, and I guess most people don't think it really matters WHAT you are, or what you class your relationship as, or how others classify you. How I think of it though is more 'how do I introduce this person?' Are they my friend, my boyfriend, or partner? Do you have to discuss it first, or can you just arbitrarily decide?
I'm not sure I like 'partner' - it's sort of something you'd say when introducing your gay partner. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm talking hetrosexual 'partner' in this case. Same story with 'life-partner' - it's not really my thing.<
Boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't seem appropriate to me once you're over 20 something. I don't have an exact age, but maybe 27. It also seems to indicate a less serious relationship rather than a long term commitment - more like a fling than a relationship. I would think it odd if my grandmother was in a relationship with a man she introduced as her 'boyfriend'.
I've heard of people who are unmarried/not engaged introduce their significant other as 'pre-iance' - like fiance, but before the whole engagement thing. It's good to stop the questions, I guess. The only thing is, that's only appropriate when you've been together in a committed relationship for a period where it would be expected by others that you would be likely to be engaged, so a month into your relationship, it doesn't really fit.
I know of one guy who talks of his 'wife' even though they're not married. They've been together for about 6 years, and he's sick of the 'when are you going to get married' questions, so just introduces him as his wife. I don't have a problem with this, but clearly, it's only appropriate a long term relationship.
Is it okay to introduce them as your friend? Or lover? Lover makes me shudder. It seems like 60s porn. Does it depend on how long you've been with this person?
All I know is this; once you're an adult, some things get awesome and easier, like buying alcohol and coming home at 3 in the morning. But there are lots of things that get a hell of a lot more complicated too. And I have this horrible feeling that it doesn't get any easier.
It's never been something I've had to think about before. When I was at school, relationships went like this:
Boy meets girl.
Boy texts girl.
Girl likes boy because he’s paying attention to her.
Boy likes girl because she has boobs.
Boy and girl go out with a group of friends.
Boy texts girl and asks if she wants go 'go out'.
Girl tells friends that they are now 'boyfriend and girlfriend', after which boy is obliged to spend time talking on the phone to girl and to spend time with her on the weekend.
It was blissfully simple, until someone got ‘dumped’, after which you swore off boys, cried yourself to sleep and listened to emo music. The next weekend, you would go out with your girlfriends and perve at hot boys, all the whole declaring that boys were stupid, and it’s way more fun to be single.
Of course, the next week you were back to being on the prowl for that new, perfect guy who will complete your life, for the next few weeks, at least. It's all very emotional and exciting and new - perfect romance.
I've discovered that when you're a real live adult, things don't work like that anymore. Nothing is that simple. People have other obligations outside of their one relationship. They can't spend all their time at school with their friends, so they have to see them in their 'own' time. They have to go to work. They have families, and responsibilities. They have hobbies outside of you. You actually are not the centre of the world.
And adult relationships aren't usually intended to be a week long. Most are developed over time, and are based on mutual trust and respect. They are, by design, intended for the long haul, or at least could potentially be a long term commitment, unless there is an express agreement to the contrary. That means that in adult relationships, that initial period of excitement and drama and newness is relatively short lived; there has to be more to the relationship that romance - you know, some sort of emotional attraction.
I don't understand how you move between stages. I really really don't. Is it a big thing to be in a relationship like it was when I was 15, or is it normal to just slide between stages? Do girls care more than boys? I feel like I'm a lot more interested in the transition and movement between stages than the guy I've been talking to about it. Is that 'I'll know it when it happens' attitude just a boy thing, or should I just go with the flow more? I think the reason I care is purely academic; I do much better with cold hard facts than I do with emotions and feelings - and it's something new that I've never experienced before.
The other thing is, what do you call two people who are ‘dating’ or ‘going out’ when they’re adults? At what point do they move from the 'friends' level to 'dating', or 'being in a relationship'? And how does that happen? Who asks who? Is it just something that happens once you have sex 12 times, and boom, you're in a relationship, or do you have to sit down and talk about it? What about people who choose not to have sex before marriage or for whatever other reason?
I'm very confused about the whole relationship thing, and I guess most people don't think it really matters WHAT you are, or what you class your relationship as, or how others classify you. How I think of it though is more 'how do I introduce this person?' Are they my friend, my boyfriend, or partner? Do you have to discuss it first, or can you just arbitrarily decide?
I'm not sure I like 'partner' - it's sort of something you'd say when introducing your gay partner. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm talking hetrosexual 'partner' in this case. Same story with 'life-partner' - it's not really my thing.<
Boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't seem appropriate to me once you're over 20 something. I don't have an exact age, but maybe 27. It also seems to indicate a less serious relationship rather than a long term commitment - more like a fling than a relationship. I would think it odd if my grandmother was in a relationship with a man she introduced as her 'boyfriend'.
I've heard of people who are unmarried/not engaged introduce their significant other as 'pre-iance' - like fiance, but before the whole engagement thing. It's good to stop the questions, I guess. The only thing is, that's only appropriate when you've been together in a committed relationship for a period where it would be expected by others that you would be likely to be engaged, so a month into your relationship, it doesn't really fit.
I know of one guy who talks of his 'wife' even though they're not married. They've been together for about 6 years, and he's sick of the 'when are you going to get married' questions, so just introduces him as his wife. I don't have a problem with this, but clearly, it's only appropriate a long term relationship.
Is it okay to introduce them as your friend? Or lover? Lover makes me shudder. It seems like 60s porn. Does it depend on how long you've been with this person?
All I know is this; once you're an adult, some things get awesome and easier, like buying alcohol and coming home at 3 in the morning. But there are lots of things that get a hell of a lot more complicated too. And I have this horrible feeling that it doesn't get any easier.
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