When I was 15, I had an abortion. If you don't want to read my personal views on abortion, PC or not, then I suggest you don't read this. I make no apologies for hurting your feelings. And yes, I call what is a 'fetus' a 'baby', because fetus is an ugly word and doesn't describe how I feel.
It's not something I'm ashamed of now, but there have been times where it has been something that has made me feel very very guilty. And yes, ashamed, too, I guess. It wasn't that I got pregnant on purpose, I was on the pill, and we used condoms, but I was on antibiotics and I guess both methods failed. It was weeks until I found out, I think I knew that I was pregnant, but denied it to myself for a long time. I found out when I was 9 weeks pregnant and spent about 10 days thinking about it. I made the decision to have the abortion myself, and told the father (my boyfriend) the morning before I had the procedure.
In retrospect, I should have allowed him to be more involved in the decision, both for his sake and mine. It's fucking scary to go through that all alone, and I can't even begin imagine how he must have felt to find out that his girlfriend is pregnant, and that she's made the decision to abort the baby without allowing him to be there. That was a very selfish thing of me, and I'm sorry for it.
I believe that men (fathers) should have the opportunity to be consulted and for their opinion to be heard about the possibility of aborting a baby. I think that because it's their body, women have the right to choose whatever they do, but a guy should have the opportunity to make his voice heard. I'm not exactly sure how it would work logistically - women probably shouldn't have to keep track of all of their sexual partners and contact them if they find out they're pregnant, but it should b some sort of moral code.
Before I chose to get an abortion, I thought long and hard about keeping the baby. I was quite mature for 15, and probably could have done it with lots of parent support. I was scared about telling my parents. In fact, there are very few people I've ever told. My parents know I had an abortion, but not because I directly told them. Until/unless they read this, I guess even they've never been sure. Mum always told me that it was my body, my choice, and therefore, if I ever got one, she didn't need to know. She was happy for me to tell or to support me whatever I chose, but she didn't want to sway my choice.
The reason I eventually chose to have an abortion is because I realised that my want to keep the baby wasn't a moral belief or a religious belief or because I felt a close connection to it, but rather because I wanted something to love me unconditionally. I decided that wasn't a good enough reason - if my decision to keep a baby that I wasn't prepared for was primarily selfish, then that wasn't enough.
I think there are lots of reasons why people choose to have an abortion, and there are lots of reasons why people get pregnant. Not all people who get pregnant and choose abortion are stupid or unprepared (although sure, some are), and that's why it's not fair to judge people who have had one. Looking back, I reaslise at 15 I couldn't have done justice to that baby's life. I probably wouldn't have been a bad mother, I probably would have done perfectly fine - but I wouldn't have been able to do all the things I can do and thing I love today.
Sure, I still wonder what might have happened to that baby. It used to haunt me, and if I'm honest, it sometimes still does. Abortion was the right choice for me, and I hate that I feel guilty about it. I think that having it out in the open might stop my guilt, or help someone else see that it was the right choice for them too.
